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A mother writes a letter to a teen son who has just experienced heartbreak – it seems like the end of the world. But is it? Asks this mom who talks of her teenage heartbreak.
Love is a glorious, dazzling and gorgeous form of self -harm. It is an agonizing and debilitating feeling to see your child, whom you shielded and protected from vagaries of life… to be wreathing in pain because that ‘special someone’ broke his heart.
They think it is the end of their life and you think ‘how can you end a life…a life which has sprung from the ‘within of me’ and which I hold and prize so dearly, a life which is more precious to me than my own?’ As a parent, you are furious and handcuffed both at the same time.
“Why were you in such a hurry?” “I had warned you!” “Now suffer!” “Why did you hide it from me in the first place?”
And coupled with the unending ‘whys’ is a feeling of not knowing what you could do that can ease his pain. You love your child so dearly and your child is broken so deeply. They do not understand the realities of LIFE and LOVE, the way we do.
You call it a distraction, may be the biggest and they call it LOVE…the truest. I am not here to explore what love is or what it is not. I am here to write to my child a letter, which was never written to me or spoken to me when my heart broke for the first time. My grades slipped and I truly thought that this was the end of my world for I will never be able to live again… love again. How I gathered myself back and resurrected myself is a story of strong determination and a passionate meaningful distraction.
Dear Daksh,
I know it hurts. TERRIBLY. You feel miserable.- I AGREE. 🙁
You did not ask for it and it happened to you. I won’t question why you ever went ahead with a relationship at this stage of life, for I know, it JUST STRIKES. What I want you to know is that I understand and I just want you to hang on.
You are 22. I was 16- The entire range of adolescence and later is fraught with this danger till the time you learn to differentiate between LOVE – of all kinds and the essence of the word called COMMITMENT. It takes time, so try not to hurry into a relationship again.
The memories make you yearn, to call her, text her and reach out to her. You are waiting for that one call which can straighten all the wrinkles and you could both be together… again. The cards, key rings, wind chimes, and many more, I have seen them in your bedroom hanging from the rails of your bed. You can choose to throw them away or keep them till you want. It’s your choice. But if anything, that pulls you down and makes you feel miserable, try to work it over.
You think you cannot trust anyone again? AGREE.But it is the way you feel right now. It is not going to last forever. You have to TRUST me on that.
To you, it seems like the real end of the world, a big catastrophe from which you can never recover. AGREE. I felt the same. What did I do? I gave it TIME or rather I had to give it time because I had no other choice. He was gone and I was down in the dumps. I had to move on and it took me tremendous strength but I did. You too will.
You are sure that you cannot love again. The concept of ‘if it is not forever, it is not love‘ is slightly overrated. It has a lot to do with the age and stage of your life. Love will happen, only if you give it a chance. Also, it is never about finding that perfect someone. There is no perfect partner, no perfect relationship and no perfect love. It may fleetingly seem so now and then, though.
The phenomenon of rebound. RED ALERT. I learnt this the hard way. In hindsight, as I look, I feel I have been a ‘rebound champ’. Post a break up, one is most unprotected, uncovered and helpless. The mere appearance of a ‘climber’ (climbing plants are plants which climb up trees and other tall objects) and you want to latch yourself on to it. You want to save yourself from breaking down and the climber seems the most suitable option which can help you not to break. This is a recipe for self-harm. Trust, you wouldn’t care about this climber in favorable circumstances. Then why would you cook this recipe impulsively under an emotional turmoil?
Daksh- You may wonder, who am I to preach all this? Hmmm! I can preach because my heart was broken too. GIVE IT TIME AND DISTRACT YOURSELF TO SOMETHING MORE MEANINGFUL. Cry, if you must. I cannot say what you felt was a flimsy emotion. But I know that these are not everlasting emotions and you will outgrow them and fall in love again.
What about academics now? Make a conscious choice to say NO or WAIT. It’s virtually impossible to handle education in one hand and CUPID in another.You are right in the middle of shaping your career and there is no girl worth enough to let you get distracted from pursuing your goals and ambitions. Distraction will happen but making a conscious choice to stay focused on your studies or your sport or your passion is the key. Don’t lose yourself in the relationship. It’s not worth it. All the more because at the age you are in, feelings come and go and come again and go again. Can you really trust these feelings and lose your focus? It’s not wise. Get back to your basketball game, get back to your GATE exam and your singing. Try not to get in the race of looking cute to that girl. Choose SMARTNESS, Choose TIME, Choose LIFE.
This is what I learned and am passing it on to you. You are a big boy and I can only guide you. As always, come what may, good or bad, success or failures, myself and Daddy will always stand by you. We will never abandon you or your choices. Guiding you is our responsibility and standing by you, our LOVE.
Mamma.
Image source: Flickr, for representational purposes only
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