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If divorce is unavoidable, looking at your marriage as a time investment, especially when it is no longer healthy, serves no purpose but to prolong your suffering.
For months, even years, I knew that my marriage was crumbling. Yet, I lied to myself, telling myself a million things that would somehow justify the reasons why I should stay in the marriage. The main one dealt with time.
“I have put too much time into this marriage for it to end.”
“I have sacrificed way too much and invested way too much time into this relationship. I’m not just going to walk away from it.”
You may have told yourself the same. But viewing your marriage as a time investment, especially when it is no longer healthy, serves no purpose but to prolong your suffering. If you are doing the same, embrace these five lessons so you can move on and be happy.
The time you have put into your marriage is not a non-refundable down payment, so do not treat it like one. In a healthy and happy marriage, time spent together is beneficial– you have good memories and a beautiful life. But once the marriage unravels, you cannot invoke those years spent as a justification to stay in a relationship, especially when the relationship both partners are no longer invested in it.
Your life and happiness are not a commodity that you can barter. Unless you are practicing the piano or an Olympic athlete, erase the idea that time put into something (even a marriage) = a guaranteed return. Your life is not a commodity subject to negotiation, and treating it as such will only hurt you.
You probably have some good memories, and it is important to acknowledge them. They helped you grow. Yet be cautious of your selective memory. You must also recognize that the years in between those memories–the not-so-good-ones– are not collateral and an excuse to remain in a marriage that is no longer working. You may have been married 20-40 years and made sacrifices during that time. You may think that you are owed something because of those unhappy years. But to treat those sacrifices and unhappy years as a bargaining tool, thinking it entitles you to happiness, gets you nowhere.
You must think of those married years as experience; you learned about relationships, families, and yourself. Be grateful for those lessons, but do not attempt to use them as a bargaining tool to remain in a marriage that is no longer sustainable. To do so denies you the opportunity to move on.
You may think you have to stay in your decades-long marriage because you are scared and you don’t know how to start over. It’s okay to feel scared. Fear is what makes you human, but it’s the courage to give yourself another shot at happiness—even in your 60s– that makes you truly remarkable.
You may feel that the years invested in your marriage, even if you weren’t happy, you were at least comfortable. Your life, for the most part, was predictable. Moving on can be scary because it ends the vision of life you had for yourself. You may be afraid to start over, afraid to go “back to the beginning”—whatever that means—because you think you are too old, too financially unstable, or too emotionally distraught to do so.
Give yourself more credit than that—recognize that you are smarter, more organized, more adaptable, and stronger than you even know.
Marriage is not a vending machine, where, if you put in a certain amount of money, you are guaranteed a certain item. In this case, putting in time does not mean you are necessarily guaranteed security or happiness. But you can find those things on your own, no matter what stage you are in life. It’s okay to move on, okay to start over, and okay to find happiness on your own terms.
You may choose to spend it angry, bitter, or heartbroken about the end of your marriage, or you may choose to invest time in yourself and your own happiness. You are not destined to live a life of hurt and misery because you are separating or divorcing. However, you can be destined for greatness and the opportunity to move on and become stronger, more compassionate, and a happier person. And putting your energy into that happiness is time well spent.
Image source: when divorce is unavoidable by Shutterstock.
Martha Bodyfelt is a divorce coach whose website, Surviving Your Split, helps women navigate their divorce with less stress and drama so they can move on with their lives. For your free Divorce Warrior Survival read more...
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She would serve everyone fresh food and serve herself the stale rice and curries from the previous meal. Some days after finishing the leftovers she was so full she would not even be able to even taste the fresh food.
When I married the first time, my MIL told me that during the Navratri the lady of the house should not eat stale food. ‘Gharatlya bai ni shila khau naye’ — in refined upper caste Marathi.
I was just 26, eager to please, not versed in patriarchy or feminism, and it seemed like a positive thing — respect for the goddess in woman.
But soon I realised she spent the remaining 356 days of her year finishing leftovers. And that I was expected to do the same.
Story - Beauty: Shreya wondered, ‘Are they talking about me?’ ‘But what is the use of inner beauty if the exterior is unattractive?’ Ravi asked. Her heart skipped a beat, and now she listened with the utmost alacrity.
‘Beauty is skin deep, Ravi. In the long run, it’s the inner beauty that matters. I know Shreya is smart and I find her attractive.’ It was Chetan’s voice.
Shreya had paused for a moment on the open door of Ravi’s flat when she overheard him. It was the morning of 27th March, and she had come to give Ravi his surprise birthday present. She didn’t want to eavesdrop, but the conversation had caught her curiosity.
She wondered, ‘Are they talking about me?’