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If Titanic Had Been Made In India

Posted: June 15, 2013

Titanic in IndiaI was recently watching Titanic on television and quite enjoyed the movie – despite it being very obvious in some ways, I was surprised that 15 years after its making, it doesn’t feel dated. Then I got to thinking what Titanic would look like if it was ever made in India, and here is what I came up with.

Presenting – Bollywood ka Titanic 🙂

1. Jack sees Rose, the snobbish upper class girl and decided to ‘teach her a lesson’ by humiliating her or stalking her, with the help of encouraging friends. Of course Rose falls in love with him.

2. Rose then proceeds to give up her pretty dresses and puts on a salwar kameez with dupatta. Because no woman who has found love could possibly want to wear Western clothes.

3. Although Rose falls in love with Jack, like a good Indian girl, she then decides to stay with the man she had been promised to – because she suddenly remembers that it was her dad’s dying wish that she marry Cal. Of course he didn’t ask her, would a good Indian dad do that?

4. Rose would then proceed to spend a good part of the movie crying about her lost love , watching him from behind pillars and resigning herself to her fate as a soon to be married woman. Her mother sympathizes with her but doesn’t dream of going against the wishes of the head of the family.

5. Or, Rose gives in to her passion for Jack, spends a night with him, and finds out the next day that she is pregnant. Because, all sex before marriage is rewarded (sorry, punished) with pregnancy, didn’t you know that?

6. In this scenario, the day after the sinking of the ship, after Rose has been rescued, we would see her emerge on board the Carpathia wearing a white sari.

7. Naturally, there is no question of this Rose now marrying another man, because the virtuous Indian woman doesn’t do that.

8. Rose doesn’t travel the world or have a job or do anything for herself. Her life is spent moping in front of a photo of Jack.

9. She devotes her time to raising her son (who looks exactly like Jack), and training him to one day take revenge on her behalf against Cal – who could have saved Jack, but didn’t.

10. Jack Junior falls in love with Cal’s daughter, who happens to be a rich, snobbish girl who needs taming….and the story begins all over again!

Founder & Chief Editor of Women's Web, Aparna believes in the power of ideas

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  1. hahahaha good one Aparna! enjoyed reading 🙂

  2. Great……..so true to Indian movie script…. While reading your blog I was actually feeling a sense of anguish about how most movies in India are loaded with ordinariness and inanity.

  3. Good sense of humour but the success rate of such movies till date shows how comfortable are we with our conditioned minds.

  4. Hi Aparna,

    I don’t know, how I landed on your blog… lucky me..
    loved this post… it was too funny…especially the “raising her son (who looks exactly like Jack)”…

  5. Quite interesting post. What about item-songs? Directors and the people are crazy these days!

  6. Thanks all for your comments 🙂
    @Aamjunta – agree – I should have added that in as the very first post – Jack dances with an “item girl” while “wooing” Rose!
    @Bhawna – absolutely. movies both shape and reflect popular tastes.

  7. So true of Indian cinema so far. Hopefully times are a-changing, a la Ashiqui-2 where the woman is at least in clothes she looks comfortable in, and is singing at Wembley.

  8. he he he 😀 and then Baazigar 2 begins …….

  9. Hehehe..very funny!

    Can i add some thunder and lightning when Jack and Rose meet for the first time!

  10. Hilarious! And yet sad also. Apart from the odd Kahaani or English Vinglish, the woman in Bollywood is getting more and more trivialised with each passing year. Bollywood’s idea of the emancipated woman is to show her drinking alcohol and mouthing four letter words. To work, to have a passion beyond romance, to create one’s own identity, none of this is shown. And still people love these films. It begs the question: who are we?

  11. hahaha nice!

    Loved the part – “Because no woman who has found love could possibly want to wear Western clothes.” I have always wondered how in Indian movies women change completely after they get married. A complete transformation from Madonna to Mahalakshmi. Only ones who do not transform are the vampish characters!

  12. But isn’t the real Titanic movie pretty much what you described here, except for the lavish sets and great acting?

  13. Amazing read Aparna…true to Bollywood standards. Indian masses reflect the ideology of women who are raised into wives, mothers etc but not as an individual.But times have changed, women have realized their individuality but Indian men are still not at par with the philosophy. We need an Indian men mentality shift revolution.

  14. Hilarious……you must be an encyclopaedia of Indian movies, I would say !!

  15. Hahaha hilarious 😀
    Sarcasm wrapped as humour is the best way to attack the sore points of society and expect a change in the mentality!
    Good one, Ma’am (:

  16. Aparna!!! You missed the mandatory songs – one when the heroine is introduced, one when the hero is introduced, one when she is saying no to the stalking hero, one when they both fall in love, one when they have a fight, one club song with Cal in the background and the hero singing betrayal, one when both are moping for each other, one when Titanic hits the iceberg, one when both are giving in to the passion, one the morning after, one when she is separated from him (the sad version of the previously happy song) and one when the son is introduced…. …..

  17. hahaha………….. nice one

  18. Ha ha….that was an interesting one Aparna !

  19. Now this article came as a surprise to me… When I watched Titanic, I felt that they made it like an Indian movie. In fact, now-a-days, a lot of English movies look like ripped versions of Indian movies without the songs, of course. And that’s the sad part of English movies that they don’t have the song and dance sequences, which is what makes a movie entertaining.

  20. Ha ha ha.. absolutely true..

  21. Funny article, Titanic is a great movie, i think it is very difficult to make such a movie in india. if we make then lot of changes will be there. “Darr” is a remake of ” I can make you love me” & we did remake of ” Indecent proposal” that is Judaai. in these movies we have changed the climax it self.

  22. Oh! You bumped off Jack without a fight with Cal and his goon gang! Anyway it was very funny and full time pass.

  23. hahahaa! Awesome! However, how about a bit of reincarnation? That would make it a perfect Bolly stuff! 😛

  24. perfect… and forbidden holiday is in Goa, where you will see Rose with I love goa T-shirts and ill fitting shorts but mangalsutra, Sindhur and chooda’s in place. this is inspired by real life Punjabi couples honeymooning in Goa

  25. Bang on! Had a good laugh 🙂

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