A story of love, loss and second chances by Nikita Singh, releasing this Valentine’s Day.
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A long time ago, when I was in school, a friend and I talked about a news item we had read; about a woman who had been raped by a male friend, with whom she had shared a hotel room at night. It seemed self-evident to us that this woman had been careless at best, and immoral at worst, because you know, what kind of woman agrees to share a hotel room at night with a man and not expect to be raped?
Offensive? Yes. To the woman I am today, this reasoning is offensive, both to women and to men. To the girl I was then, it was the only reasoning I knew. Although we rarely spoke of these things, it was implicitly understood that women’s bodies were ‘provocative’ objects, to be kept carefully under wraps, for fear of arousing male desire, an out-of-control thing separate from the men it originated in. Good women did not do things that unleashed this desire. This is what I learnt from the world around me.
It took me many years of growing up, many years of reading, sharing, learning, and many years of experience with wonderful men as friends to understand that rape had nothing to do with male desire; that desire was not some uncontrollable force that men could not control. Staying overnight with male friends and not once worrying about my safety, or even thinking that I had anything to worry about – the men I loved and friends more progressive than I was taught me more about what consent is than any theory I read. If so many men had no trouble controlling themselves in the presence of female flesh, I realised how false were the assumptions I (and other girls like me) had always been encouraged to hold – that our safety rested in covering up, in being wary of men, in staying indoors, in treating all men as victims to their lust.
The beliefs I thoughtlessly held as a girl are offensive to the woman I am today, but my beliefs did change. What if I had never had the opportunity to engage with others who contested those beliefs? I would have stayed imprisoned in those same old regressive attitudes that I find so offensive today. I have been thinking about this for some time now.
Those of us who believe strongly in women’s rights, how should we engage with people in our lives who hold what we consider regressive beliefs? I asked this question on the Women’s Web Twitter page a week or so ago, and got quite a few responses. Interestingly, most believed that we should at least try and engage with those who hold such beliefs.
The example cited was menstruation related taboos, which still hold firm with many Indian women, and a few narrated examples of how they had engaged with older people in the household regarding such beliefs, and in some cases, also brought about change. Some participants in the chat also felt that such engagement was only possible when both parties held respect for each other, and were willing to listen to each other.
Menstruation taboos, however, even if many of us find them unpalatable, are also relatively harmless. What if you had a friend who believed that taking dowry was acceptable? An uncle who did not think it appropriate for his daughter to work or indeed, that ‘all this women’s rights talk is nonsense’? Your father or mother who thinks rape is caused by women wearing short skirts and ‘provoking’ men? An aunt who thinks that your caste is indeed superior?
Most of us would have such people in our lives. As I mentioned in my own case, we may even have been this person. Sometimes you can’t really drop this person from your life, and sometimes, you don’t want to. The truth is, we don’t always love people based on their ideology – sometimes, we love people despite their hurtful ideology.
It is true that it is not fun to always be the ‘angry feminist’ – and especially when anger is often not seen as an appropriate response from a young woman. Most of us want to be liked, or at least liked by people who matter to us, and questioning people’s long-held beliefs can get in the way of that. Often, even when you engage with people in a respectful manner, and brings facts, experience and examples to the table, you are seen as being ‘too argumentative.’ Precisely because of this, it is sometimes easier to explain our ideas online, where we are assured some measure of anonymity, or distance!
Sometimes, it is just tiring to have to explain things that seem so obvious – no, tight jeans do not cause rape, rapists do. Sometimes, the very fact that we need to discuss these things repeatedly is annoying. Weren’t we all supposed to be living in world where women’s rights are assured? (Short answer: No).
At the same time, I have also seen positive examples, of beliefs changing over time in the face of experience. My grandmother, brought up in a traditional upper-caste family and environment in the 1930s, responded to the announcement of my inter-caste marriage saying, “Well, we’re all human beings, aren’t we?” While I am still not sure if she can relinquish all her beliefs about caste, greater experience with people of many castes, and the behaviour of the younger generation, has had its impact.
I would not go so far as to say that all feminists (or if you don’t use that word to describe yourself – all who believe in women’s rights over their lives and bodies) MUST necessarily engage with those who don’t hold our beliefs. Ultimately, it is for each individual to seek out new learning, and no one can be forced to do it for them. But, there is value to engaging with the enemy in our own lives, sometimes in the form of prejudices in our own heads too. If we began shutting ourselves off from everyone who held ideas distasteful to us, are we also giving up the opportunity to bring about change within our own spheres?
What do you feel? How do you deal with it when people you know uphold sexist ideas? Ignore, argue, engage? Do share – I am curious to know what strategies you would adopt.
Pic credit: dreamfish (Used under a Creative Commons license)
Founder, Editor of Women's Web, Aparna believes in the power of ideas and conversations
Discuss. If not open to discussion, make my point and leave it at that. There are people with whom I have to ignore, leaves me feeling helpless
Initially I used to explain my point .now I just put it and move.
Very nicely written. And I do have people in my family who think a lot of things that I do are wrong and unorthodox. But I have realized that it is a total waste of my time to even try and argue with them. People will realize things only when they open their minds to new thoughts. Those who hold petty thoughts dear to their heart, no amount of arguing is going to change their mind.
Hmmm, food for thought! Earlier I would argue vociferously n try to change the mindset in one sitting ! So not possible 🙂 Now, like Arundhati, I make my stand clear and move on to other topics. Hoping they will think it over sometime. Like a dearly beloved aunt who has lived life her way but still has some very backward beliefs. Ultimately loving a person is to accept them everyway. However, when unpalatable things happen, they have to be faced and tackled, no matter who the person is !
When it comes to your family, you have much to gain, by engaging with them on these issues. In my own family, I have been able to positively influence how my family members think of dowry. Similar to your experience, I also consider myself as someone who has evolved into a feminist. I believe that I still have some biases, and hope that this evolution continues. When we engage with those close to us, about these issues, it is certainly a long drawn fight. It is not a one night discussion. Of course, you will also hope that the environment is equally conducive. But it is important that you plant the question in their minds. Earlier, I was a fan of getting “angry” but sometimes, I think that alienates them, from the issue. I am sure, anger has its own functionality. Sometimes, the function of “anger” is to give you strength to continue the fight. In general, I think, that a consistent engagement is the only thing that can creates change.
And then, different people respond to different things. For example, once I had this “argument” about gay rights with a friend. I don’t think, he changed his opinion that day. I once posted a video on Facebook. In that video, a young man was speaking about his experience as a child brought up by a lesbian couple. He was trying to say, that he is just like any other person, who may have been brought up in a heterosexual family. Later, my friend told me, that he felt something change in the way he thought about gay rights after watching the video. While the argument itself may not have changed his opinion, my guess is that, it did plant a seed of doubt.
On the other hand, I do have my filters. If I think, some people have already formulated their opinion and are not ready to listen. I tend to avoid them. I find it difficult to engage with them. The difference is that some people are ready to reason out. They have their own “reasons” for why they think of something the way they do. I find it easier to engage with them, because you can actually debate on those reasons. For someone who just “believes” things, it’s difficult to engage. That is where, the Pink Chaddi Campaigns and the Slut Walks come into picture. The only way to shake them is to shock them. I am not comfortable with these methods. But sometimes, that’s the only thing you have. In those cases, the idea is not to educate but to assert your right. In the process, if they get educated, well and good. If not, its their problem. All that should matter to us is that, they don’t determine the way, we live our life.
Hi Aparna, Interesting points raised! I think you will find this interesting – http://www.wahsarkar.com/2013/02/what-do-we-mean-by-empowerment-of-women/
It is on similar lines.
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