What makes for an abuser?

By now, perhaps many of you have come across the CSA Awareness blog that is trying to raise awareness of child sexual abuse throughout this month. If you haven’t seen it yet – do check it out. Many heart-breaking survivor stories have been posted there and many bloggers have shared their stories/views too. In one such post, blogger Aneela Z asks, is it not time we ask what makes for an abuser?

True, it is time to ask what makes for an abuser. After all, no young victim can control the abuse, but every perpetrator knows fully what he is doing (and I use ‘he’ here, not because women never abuse, but because the majority of perps are male, which should also make us think why). There is evidence that shows that at least some abusers have themselves been abused as children; however, other studies claim that the majority of abused children do not themselves become abusers.

Whatever the exact percentage may be, it is important to note that it is not childhood abuse alone that is a predictor; instead, one thing that many studies point out consistently is the presence of violence in the abuser’s childhood. In other words, it is not necessary that someone should be ‘sexually’ abused for them to carry on the cycle. Children exposed to and suffering a lot of violence at home or in the immediate environment (and this can include emotional violence too) are more likely to violate the dignity of other children as they turn adults.

Commonsensical. If your rights have never been respected, if all you’ve been taught is that might is right, that the louder person gets his/her way, that children can be coerced into submission  – what would you ever know about respecting a child and not violating his or her innocence and trust?

This is not an excuse for abusers. But it is a pointer to us that we need to look at the violence in the world we live in. One hears of horror stories from boarding schools and residential colleges, for example, and these are treated as ‘just light ragging’. A male friend once told me about ragging in his college where the freshers had to play basketball at midnight – naked.

Men are expected to accustom themselves to such violence, to ‘take it in good spirit’, to not complain. But – this is violence too. Compelling a young man to strip is not ‘friendly’ ragging. Casual acceptance of such violence in many spheres breeds an atmosphere in which abusive tendencies can grow.

Which also brings me to the issue of the male abuser. Why are the majority of abusers male? No, it is not male libido. Libido has nothing to do it. It is simply because socially, violence is more acceptable for a man to indulge in. The image of a man who does anything to get the woman he wants (and whether she wants him or not) is glorified in our films. In this environment, does it really matter to the abuser if his victim is 21 or 14? Easier if she is younger and more confused! In some cases, it’s also because as the family’s breadwinner or more powerful person, the man knows that he can get away with it. 

So, while educating children and talking about the issue, it is important to look back at the larger culture of violence we live in. Some important things to do:

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– Stop glorifying manliness as being about getting what one wants at any cost. Manliness is not about violence or power.

– Diss films or media that show women and children as people whose wishes can be ignored or ‘guided’ right. (Farfetched as this may sound, I hated Kal Ho Na Ho for this reason – why does Shahrukh get to make Preeti’s decision for her, and by using lies?) Mental pressure is often diguised as concern. A society/family/relationship that openly discusses issues, rather than one ‘mighty elder’ deciding for all, is more equitable. Lies and emotional coercion are a form of violence too. 

– Teach boys that in general, it is alright to cry, to complain, to talk about their feelings. Boys are taught too often to keep a stiff upper lip and botte up the bad things that happen to them. When children have a clear voice and are not silenced or shamed, they are more likely to bring up issues they have.

– Don’t accept that violence is ‘natural’ – we may be animals, but if we can wear clothes, live in houses and pilot aircraft, none of which other animals do, why take recourse to evolution to explain only our bad behaviour?

Violence and abuse may not be the only things that breed abusers, but surely, we can play a small rule in building a different sort of world around us.

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