#ReachOutThursday: My Husband Does Not Support Me, What Do I Do?

Posted: December 10, 2015

Every Thursday, the Women’s Web expert panel with the support of Healtheminds, answers questions from readers facing relationships issues, emotional and mental challenges and other such issues.

In this edition of #ReachOutThursday, a woman talks about her husband who does not support her and another who is not being able to move on, from a broken engagement.

Feeling helpless and lost

Hi,

Mine is a love marriage. Before marriage, we were in relation, for 5 yrs and it’s been 7 years of marriage. Before marriage, even though we had a lot of fight, there was love. My husband was a bit rough and dominating. I was going through a rough patch of my life with depression when i met him. We fell in love and I started getting better. I had discontinued my studies as I was on medication because of which I couldn’t remember things. As I started getting better, we were in love, I started having hopes in life and completed my +2. My doctor was against me studying further as he felt that I was not capable. I was a good student and ambitious since my childhood. I wouldn’t stop pursuing my studies any time in my life due to difficult situations.

 My doctor and my father were against me joining B Sc also. They were just behind my marriage. I went against them and joined BSc life science and came out with flying colours. I loved life science and enjoyed exploring and reading a lot about it. I felt proud that I believed myself. At that time, my husband was supportive and was happy about my success. For me it a success as it’s not easy to get first class with no backlogs after a long long gap with depression. Then he wanted to taper down my medication and stop it, as I was absolutely doing good. Everything was colorful with friends, college, studies and love. Then I wanted to do masters which were again against my father and doctor and as usual, I had to ask my husband to convince my father to let me do it. They were forcing me to get married, including relatives. I joined masters in biotechnology and finished my first semester in first class with few awards for debate etc.

After that I didn’t have any choice than agreeing to get married for my parents same and few relatives who had already seen me going around with my husband, so it was about others talking about me and my husband. I got married and my doctor said he would be stopping my tablets in 2-3 months. Now came the biggest twist in my life which shattered me.

I am from a soft-spoken and well-mannered home landing in a rude house with a narcissist mother-in-law, rude and non-supportive husband. My husband told my parents that he will take care of me and my studies. He did not support me. I had to cook and go to college and buy vegetables and study and do house work. Pressure, no appreciation, complaints from my mom-in-law if I delay giving food to her, even though I was studying.

I could not attend classes properly, not study for tests, incomplete record books, no sleep and used to sleep in class. I flunked. My depression went high, medication went high even though I was not supposed to take so much. We never enjoyed our marital life. My husband lies, is rude, demanding, abusive behavior like pushing, pointing ginger, holding hands etc. I somehow manage to pass few papers and my masters is incomplete. I started having hypothyroid, fibromyalgia and now arthritis. Relation with my husband is unhealthy with lot of abusive words. No good sexual life, no good communication and all with threatening behavior. He is good at his work, high salary and good job status. I am insecure financially, want to study and work in life science. I love research and studies. But I am unqualified. I am already 33 years with just graduation and health issues, personal life issues; need to plan for baby before I get too old. At the same time, study and work.

I am so confused, ours is a love marriage for which my family supported me going against all my relatives. If they ever know the truth, they all will laugh at us.
My studies, job….were always my first priority and now I cannot imagine myself being so helpless.
I just read about an institute of Indian government ready to support women with a break due to marriage etc, but that’s only for those who have finished masters in life science. 

 Is there something I can start fresh parallel to a job or anything in life science?

Dear Inquirer,

Firstly, I would like to appreciate the fact that you have been very open in expressing your concerns.

In life, we are often faced with decisions that are difficult to make. It appears to me, that you knew your priorities well and hence made your own choices, be it regarding your academics or marriage.

I do understand that it must be extremely difficult for you now, because you find your husband to be not supportive as before and also fallen out of love. Considering the kind of person he was before, I would suggest that you carefully look at all the factors that are contributing to your problems. May be then you would get a better picture of why things aren’t like before.

We all go into marriage with certain expectations. Most of the time, marriage is the opposite of what we expected. We romanticize marriage and become disillusioned once those romantic expectations aren’t met. Unmet expectations are a major source of conflict in marriages.

In-laws, siblings and relatives can create stress within a marriage. When coping with negative issues because of family step gently.At times, It would be beneficial to be willing to take a backseat and bite our tongues for the sake of peace.

“I was a good student and ambitious since my childhood. I wouldn’t stop pursuing my studies any time in my life due to difficult situations.” 

Where is this person now?? A person who was ready to overcome any obstacles that came her way.

The strong, ambitious, dedicated and confident person that you were, is now hiding.Probably this could me of one of the reasons as to why you feel so confused and helpless about life!

It’s never too late to fulfill your dreams. Age is no bar to do things that you like !! You could always consider upgrading your skills and qualifications. There are various online and  distance learning programs that you could look into. (Check IGNOU, School of Life Sciences- University of Hyderabad, Sikkim Manipal University websites).

I understand how stressed you are at the moment. It is extremely important for you to mange your stress levels, so that it doesn’t affect your health and other aspects your life. Reading, simple breathing exercises, music, art etc are some of the things that you could do to make yourself feel better.

Making yourself financially stable will lessen your dependence on others, and in turn, boost your self-confidence and self-esteem. It certainly will make things better for you. When you feel good about yourself, you’ll find yourself to be in a better place.

Whether these issues remain as problems causing stress or become opportunities for growth is up to YOU!

Halima Sadiya

Recovering from a break-up

I got engaged with a person in Indian traditional arranged marriage system. We had spent 1 month together before engagement. We were in love with each other. We have talked about the past of each other. Suddenly his Ex arrived before 3 days of engagement and proposed my husband to get married to her. They both had broken their relationship just a year back. My fiancé decided to go with his ex. But he told me about it after two days of engagement.I cried badly. I, my family even his own family suffered a lot. After 5-6 months of this incident, we broke the relation. But I am not able to come out of it. His family and I are too close. My fiancé even do not have the courage to marry his ex without his parents’ permission. So he left the house. He is a person who is extra emotional or fooled whatever you can say. He is not capable of taking any decision. I loved him too much. Now it’s not easy to marry with another boy and accept his family. I am a very traditional girl. I am trying to moved on. But somewhere in my mind I am definitely sure about he will be back in my life. He will realize what he did was wrong. Can you suggest me what should I do?  Should I move on or wait for him?

Dear Inquirer,

I’m glad that you decided to seek help.

Getting over a broken engagement is never easy – your dreams, hopes and future wishes are completely dashed in a moment.

I understand you must be having an extremely difficult time, but you need to realize that no matter what happened, you remain good and worthy.Although, it might be hard to see a path ahead, there is one!

“I loved him too much. Now it’s not easy to marry with another boy and accept his family ” – It is important for you to understand that, it isn’t right for you think that you are never going to find someone “as good as him” again. You will, it just doesn’t seem like that right now.

Regardless of who broke the engagement, the conversation with your (former) fiance will be intensely emotional and most likely uncomfortable. Although painful, the soul-searching conversation is essential for the healing process.

It is important for you to let out your emotions. It is okay to cry! Spend some time with friends and family to get yourself out of it, and make yourself feel better. You need to be around people who support, love and cherish you right now.

You being confused whether you should wait for him or not is justified. But think for yourself:

If the wait is worthwhile?

If you are sure that he will get back?

And if he gets back, would he be loyal to you?

Would he be able to forget his ex-girlfriend?

Would you be able to forget his past and forgive him?

(Take some time out to find answers for the above questions, that will help you gain clarity)

He certainly knew his priorities well and made decisions that mattered to him. So now it is time for you to decide what you really want. Be practical and realistic while making your choices.

If you understand that a “broken engagement is far superior to a broken marriage,” You will find yourself to be in a much happier place.

Halima Sadiya

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