Who Am I? The Go Getter I Was? Or This Broken Woman?

Why do women have to go through so much trauma just for being women? Who gives men the right to behave in this way?

Trigger warning: This post contains depiction of normalised violence against women, and may be triggering for survivors.

#OneOfTheThingsThatOftenKeepMeUpAllNight

My belly is living proof
of the life I have grown, held, and birthed
a ‘permanently pregnant’ swell
stretch marks and a caesarian scar
that still itch
an experience I wouldn’t trade in
for anything
except for what I was told by the father of my child.

From “This is not my child”
to “Stop all that drama – there’s no camera here”
when I was hormonal and weepy
and wanted him to hold me, reassure me, understand me
and further on to
“you’ve blown up like a buffalo; like your mother”
when I was unable to shed all the weight
and “get back into shape”.

I never lost the weight
and the swollen belly
and the stretch marks
“You look positively ugly”
“I hate women who get fat”
“I am embarrassed to be seen with you”.

Nothing new.

Poor guy
he’s been embarrassed by so much
about this uncouth wife of his
talks too loudly
laughs too loudly
can’t even do anything right
looks like a buffalo
or an elephant
take your pick.

Whattodo
I am like that only na
on top of that
there’s the “too much feminism”
the “rot” that I have “brought into this family”
of course.

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Sometimes I wonder
what all my mind has taken
who had sold me the narrative
that I must be accepting, tolerant, resilient, “good”, understanding…

WHY?
why must I?
who gives him this right
to do with me as he wished
so say to me what he wished
lord and master, right?
taken with fire and family
as witness.

Sometimes I wonder
who am I?

The go getter who could do it all
who had dreams
or this broken sorry example of a human being
who just
gets through each day,
one day at a time?

Image source: YouTube/ a still from Gully Boy

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Pari

Closet feminist. read more...

2 Posts | 2,776 Views

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