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In India, the dowry prohibition act was put into force in 1961. More than 60 years have passed by but very little has changed. Dowry is still something that haunts many families. On behalf of many parents who are victims of this unjustifiable practice, I would like to voice this out loud and clear.
Indian weddings may look extremely glamorous from the outside, but in reality, there are a lot of heartbreaking aspects to it which continues to remain undiscussed. I would like to get straight to the point. Why is it that only the bride’s family have to bear all the expenses? I don’t see any fairness in this at all. Does a wedding not involve two families? Therefore, shouldn’t there be equal responsibility from both families? To all those families out there who think that this is ok, I’m sorry, but it’s not. It’s unfair, unethical and hugely disrespectful to the brides’ families.
Just as an example, in the community that I come from, it’s custom for the groom’s family to organise the engagement ceremony. In relation to this, a lot of individuals might argue and say, “if the groom’s family organise the engagement, what’s wrong if the bride’s family take responsibility for the wedding?” However, we must remember that an engagement ceremony is a very small affair compared to a wedding. It typically lasts a few hours, whereas a wedding is 2-3 days long, costing at least 5-10 times more. So truthfully speaking, both these events can never be put on the same scale. From a financial perspective, hosting a traditional wedding is not something easy for the average middle-class family. So many mothers and fathers exhaust most of their lifetime savings into their daughters’ weddings, because that’s how much these weddings demand. To all the groom-side families who are guilty of this, it’s important to realise that your actions may have significant consequences.
When parents get their daughters married off, their financial commitments don’t end there. They might have a second child in line. A girl or a boy who might need financial support for educational purposes. Or maybe, they are a single income household where only the mother or father is earning. Let’s not forget the fact that parents do age and they could be under the pressure of having to cover medical expenses because of chronic illnesses. Last but not least, to retire in peace and not having the anxiety of financial pressure. If wedding expenses are shared, there would be no or very little need to worry about all the different scenarios that I’ve described above. Thankfully, most women now work full-time and are in a decent position to support their parents as they age. Talk about why financial independence is so crucial for all women ey!
Moreover, how can I not talk about all the gold/diamond jewellery that gets gifted to the brides by the groom-side families. What everyone fails to understand though, is that all that expensive jewellery is never going to be used. Instead, they are going to be secured somewhere in a locker, only to be opened once in a blue moon. Let me share something. All we brides care about is marrying a good man and living a peaceful life with him. We are not after ancestral wealth and most certainly, not interested in the gold and diamonds that are brought to the stage as gifts. In this current era, most women are working women. So apart from parties and weddings, we barely get the opportunity to wear expensive jewellery.
Which makes me want to ask two key questions:
But hold on, it doesn’t end there. The act of “giving”, of course comes with the expectation of “receiving” something in return. Here, I’m referring to the jewellery that the bride’s parents give to the groom (which also, is going to be locked away and unused). In my opinion, love and respect loses its value when it comes in the form of possessions/items and such practices make marriages look like the signing of a business contract rather than the union of two souls coming together.
So why do I call it the invisible dowry?
The reason is, it’s still very much happening. The only difference is, nobody talks about it and it’s often masked behind the scenes. It happens subtly. There are so many families out there who absolutely have the financial capability to contribute, but they continue to remain painfully silent in the name of custom. Or, should I say convenience?
Dowry comes in various forms, many which are disguised. Dowry is not just about the expectation of physical wedding gifts. In my opinion, dowry in its worst form, is the act of burdening the bride’s family with the full financial responsibility. Just because traditionally, this was what was done for hundreds of years does not mean, we need to continue with the same practice in this day and age as well. It’s high time we break this vicious cycle.
If you are reading this and if you think this is applicable to you, the solution is to speak up. Discuss it openly with your partner before you both get married. The likelihood is that they are also on exactly the same page as you, and will be willing to share the expenses. It’s just a case of breaking that hesitancy that comes from deep-rooted culture that forces society to operate in a certain way.
I'm Dr Shalini Moorthy. I was born in Chennai, India. I moved to the United Kingdom during my childhood as a first generation immigrant with my parents. I finished my PhD in 2019 in read more...
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