Oh God I Hit My Husband… Now What To Do?!

I stood there in tears and told him that I didn’t mean what I just said. He misunderstood me and that’s not what I was trying to say.

I did a terrible thing and I regret it immensely! Something I might pay for the rest of my life. I was mad at my husband and got into a very heated argument with him. It wasn’t the first time, every day came with its share of struggles and today I completely lost my cool and hit him.

I couldn’t control myself and hurled a few abuses at him. He has stopped talking to me now and ignores my entire existence. No amount of begging and pleading is helping. He has blocked me from his life and has even threatened me with charges of domestic violence. My parents, in-laws and friends judge the person I am now.

Every day I question myself, “When did I become this person? When did the happy, carefree girl full of life turn into this monster?” I am worried about the future of my three year old son who doesn’t know what is wrong with his mom and dad. My husband is a great father! He provides for our child and loves him to bits. Maybe I am the one who doesn’t understand him.

He has asked me to leave and never come back! He can’t look at my face anymore! He can’t stay in the same house as me anymore as it reminds him of how I disrespected him. I know I said that l will leave him in anger that day but I didn’t mean it. He was completely cool and asked me to do as I please. He even said, “I think it’s better you leave coz I can’t stay with a psychotic person like you. It will affect my child badly and I don’t want him to be anything like you when he grows up.”

My life is over as I see it now, I have apologized a billion times, cried endless nights and begged him to forgive me. He is adamant and doesn’t want me in his life anymore. What should I do? How do I save my marriage? My entire existence is a question mark now!

We have a love marriage of over a decade but life hasn’t always been smooth sailing. My husband always kept me away from all the important decisions in his life. I had no idea about the home loan, the properties and assets he owned. I was never a part of any financial decision in his life, in fact I wasn’t a part of any decision in his life. I didn’t know who his friends were nor did I know about his family affairs. He talks for hours with his friends and his parents but I don’t remember a simple five minute conversation with him.

I have no idea about his whereabouts most days and he doesn’t like me invading his privacy. He thinks I am paranoid and jealous if I ask him who he is going out with. None of his friend’s wives do that and he is not answerable to me. He has every right to live his life the way he wants. He provides for us and makes sure we have a good life in turn I take care of the house, his family and our child.

We have breakfast together and I love talking with him but he in busy scrolling in his phone oblivious of my words. He tells me how lucky I am to have a man like him in my life and asks me to look around find someone who is as good as him. When I ask him to take me out on weekends instead of him hanging out with his friends, he gets agitated, “I need my time off as I work so hard the whole week. Don’t we go on family holidays? Why are you never satisfied? “

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I try to tell him I am grateful for all he does but I crave for some alone time with him, “Just you, me and our kid!”

“We spend all day together! 365 days in a year since the last ten years. What alone time are you talking about? We spend so much time together but as always nothing is enough for you.”

“I can’t deal with you anymore! Just leave me alone, I have loads of work to do at office and I don’t have the time to fight with you.” He lashes back angrily.

He gets a call and he’s chatting with his friend laughing and making plans for the next weekend. He picks up his bag and leaves for work while I stand in tears looking at him go.

“Wow! There we go again. Someone will think I torture you! Look at yourself crying over nothing. Acting like a victim every time. You are married to the worst husband on the planet. I can’t even keep you happy. Go ahead make a scene, it’s what you are best at. Let the world know how miserable you are.”

“I’ll tell you something even better why don’t you call your best friend and complain. That’s what you do every time. All your friends think badly of me as you are spoiling my image.”

“Better still call your parents and tell them you made the biggest mistake of your life marrying me. Just because you are crying it doesn’t make you right, remember that.”

Being an overly sensitive person is tough, I cry at the drop of a hat. I don’t want to but the tears flow. How I hate myself for it!

I hold his hand and hug him, “Please don’t misunderstand me, and I really love you! I am happy with whatever you are doing for me and I don’t want more. Let’s forget this, please don’t be mad. I am sorry for crying, I am trying to improve, believe me. I promise I’ll do better!”

“I don’t want to talk to you anymore and spoil my day so just stop this drama. It’s true when they say women are drama especially ones like you.” He’s furious

I keep asking for his forgiveness and he finally forgives me. He is willing to let go of all that happened and move on. He says, “I don’t want to talk to you like this but you keep pushing me. Instead of wasting your time thinking all this, use it productively and be grateful for what you have.”

He leaves for work but I can’t stop thinking about what happened. I feel like killing myself! A person like me doesn’t deserve to live but who will take care of my child? He is completely dependent on me. My phone is ringing and it’s my mom calling. I disconnect it as she’ll know from my voice that I was crying a while ago. She calls again and I see the phone ringing. I burst into tears, what wouldn’t I give right now to hug her and cry in her arms. I can’t risk that though! No matter what happens my parents shouldn’t know about my problems. They are old and I don’t want to burden them with my life.

I think about calling my best friend from school. We used to share everything with each other but not anymore. Am I the horrible person my husband just spoke about who washes her dirty laundry in public? I think not! He always tells me, “I never discuss our problems with a third person like you.”

I don’t want to be that person! I need to learn how to handle my problems like a grown adult independently instead of depending on others for comfort or advise. I decide not to call up my friend, I actually don’t feel like talking to anyone anymore.

My head hurts and my heart is in turmoil. I pick up my phone and type a long paragraph apologizing and telling my husband how much I love him. I wait for him to reply as he’s read it but I wait the whole day. When he comes home I ask him if he saw my message, I’ve prepared all his favorite dishes.

“You are still stuck on the same thing? Just move on for heaven’s sake coz I have. Talking it out never helps! You will never improve you piece of shit! Just get lost and leave me alone! Now I’ll show you what a bad husband is like! You wait and watch. From tomorrow onwards I need you to ask me before spending every penny.”

“Even if it’s a 10 rupees I still want you to call me and ask me for permission. I am going to give you a list of things to do every day and you better do it. I’ll make you pay for it otherwise. Stop all the maids from tomorrow, you’ll do the cleaning, mopping and cooking. I’ll show you your place!”

“You have taken advantage of my goodness. Now you’ll see my bad side. I am done being the good husband. You don’t deserve it! “

He was interrupted by my child who walked in, “Why are you shouting at mumma?” He asked.

“I am not shouting darling, we were just talking. Some people don’t understand things the normal way so we have to try other methods. You will understand when you grow up.” He goes on to play with our child and laugh with him.

For the next few months my life is a living hell. I do all he says! After all I asked for it! Every action has a reaction and I have to pay a price for taking my life for granted. He comes home and ignores my entire existence. I stare at him hoping for a glance and word but he doesn’t even give me one look.

We have guests at home, we meet family and he is the sweetest person ever. Everyone loves him! He does pass a snide comment many a times in family gatherings but I understand. His anger will take time to subside. He’s so lovely with everyone ‘the perfect gentleman’ I feel sad that I don’t get to see his this side. Suddenly I am craving for the good times again.

It’s been over a year we have spoken to each other about anything other than work. I miss him so much. I don’t have any control over my feelings anymore and I think I am losing it. Sometimes I am mad at him and other times I am dying to talk to him. He on the other hand is calm and composed like nothing ever happened between us. I wish I could be like that! Maybe someday I’ll be that person and then he will love me again.

It’s a sunny day and my husband is leaving for work. He looks so attractive and my heart is pounding for him. It’s been months since we even touched each other. My feelings take over me and I hug him and tell him how much I’ve missed him.

“Let’s end this please. Why are you not talking to me? Am I that bad? I don’t think I can live without you! I love you to bits and all I want is your love in return. I am sorry for everything. Please forgive me baby. I promise I’ve changed, haven’t you noticed? I’ll do everything you say and all you want.”

“Look at you acting like a victim again! Saying things like you will change and please forgive me. Who asked you to change? Just be yourself and let me be myself. I have never asked you to do everything I say, do as you please as it is your life. Don’t act like an oppressed woman who is tortured by her husband and in-laws. You should be an actor! What amazing acting you do!”

I stood there in tears and told him that I didn’t mean what he just said. He misunderstood me and that’s not what I was trying to say. He started walking away from me so I blocked his way and held his hand only to be rejected by him again, ”Don’t touch me! I have to go! You always have to act like a psycho!”

“Yes! I am a mad person! You are right about everything. I am the most terrible person ever who doesn’t deserve happiness. I brought this upon myself and lost the love of my husband.” I found myself yelling at top of my voice.

“I didn’t say any of that! You are saying all this about yourself. The child is scared because of you. Why don’t you yell louder so the neighbours can hear us as well? Wait let me open the door so that people know what kind of a person you are. Let everyone know that your husband is torturing you and harassing you!” He was calm as ever.

I completely lost it and hit him! I hurled abuses at him saying that he has ruined my life! A moment later I realized my mistake and even touched his feet asking for forgiveness but I know I don’t deserve the same. I am guilty as charged!

Does a wife slapping her husband negate all the good that she did or does it negate all the bad the husband did? You decide!

Authors Note – please reassess your relationship if this resonated with you!

I wish I could say this is a completely fictional tale, but it is sadly based on someone’s life. We often judge people on their behaviour but we completely overlook what led them there. By no means do I support violence in any form, but sometimes people are pushed to a breaking point.

Here are some things to understand here.

Gaslighting: Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim’s mind. Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition

Reactive abuse: A violent or aggressive response to an abusive partner is called reactive abuse. The victim’s reaction does not turn them into an abuser.

Please reassess your relationship if this piece resonated with you. You need to sit and ponder if it is all worth it. Do you want to stay with someone who brings out the worst in you? Is this the life you want your child to have? Is the relationship worth saving if it questions your very sanity and peace of mind?

There are two people needed to work on a relationship and find middle ground. If one is not willing there is not much of a relationship to save.

Image source: a still from the film Secret Superstar

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