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Indian girls and women aren't "allowed" the luxury of being an introvert and needing alone time... for aren't they supposed to be doing things for others all the time?
I think at some point of time every introvert has gone through something similar… to what I have.
Let me begin my story.
Being born in a middle-class family and that too a second girl child
is not something any parents in India dream of
but still they accept it as a fate of life.
Same is the case with me.
Although I can consider myself lucky enough
that they provided me with best education and lifestyle that they could.
But as I say, I’m an INTROVERT, that too an emotional one…
From the time I remember
I have always been a free bird,
or can I say that I
have become so since I have a younger brother in my family.
As far as I remember, I have
done every bit of everything myself
because of my being introverted… or maybe I had no choice:
from going to school at the age of 4 alone
to riding my first bicycle without any help
and much more till now.
But deep inside
I always long for something that I can’t express.
I know my parents’ financial condition so I always said
that I don’t like to celebrate my birthday, or need new clothes
as I wanted to help them in some or the other way without telling them
and I always used to succeed.
and growing up an independent woman,
who smiled and laughed as I heard
or read somewhere before that people will not judge you as an introvert
if you smile always…
and it actually works.
But I always felt there should be someone from my family
with whom I can share anything
without any hesitation
and frankly speaking I want the same from my mother and sister.
But mon never had time for me, and my elder sister is
always into herself.
So in many ways I become her elder one…
but as every child need a shelter somewhere, I went to my father.
I started helping him
in his daily chores.
I became a bit close to him
but deep inside still
I keep my aspirations, my wishes into myself.
Keeping it short, the thing I can’t cope up with is MARRIAGE!
It all started when
I entered the “age for getting married”
and my parents put my profile on matrimonial sites.
Thank you COVID, there weren’t many “good” matches,
but I was happy…
because I seriously don’t want to get married.
There’s a fear I don’t understand
and to add to this –
the one marriage that happened in my family
blocked “marriage” from my mind.
I had to, I know
the family had decided
but no one asked me how I feel…
But I guess no one ever has time for me
or can I say – no one understands me?
Being an introvert, I can’t express my feelings too…
and I went through an anxiety attack
difficult for our parent’s generation to understand.
Because in their generation, shaadi is non-negotiable
whether you are prepared for it or not
you have to
it’s the only thing this society wants…
And that too for a girl? It is the necessity.
Earlier they were changing… as per their children’s needs
at some point even standing up against with others for their irrational views
but now, well, I wish we had never come to this place.
I know they won’t understand ever
what I went through, the pressure I felt
that led me to take such a drastic step
that also hurt a kind soul who was ready to help me.
These things take time to recover,
and as always I need some alone time
to figure out my life.
I wonder… if I had taken this step few months ago
would the situation have been different?
Maybe I might be marrying that kind person
Right now, my life is drenched in feelings I can’t express
but I “must listen to everyone”
including the ones whose every word just break my heart,
the reason I write this whole story
I know it’s difficult
but I don’t want to take any decision in such state of mind.
Feeling extremely sad today.
Image source: MAA – Short Film/Ondraga Originals, YouTube
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