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But Needing Alone Time As An Introvert Is Not Allowed For An Indian Girl…

Indian girls and women aren't "allowed" the luxury of being an introvert and needing alone time... for aren't they supposed to be doing things for others all the time?

I think at some point of time every introvert has gone through something similar… to what I have.

Let me begin my story.

Being born in a middle-class family and that too a second girl child

is not something any parents in India dream of

but still they accept it as a fate of life.

Same is the case with me.

Although I can consider myself lucky enough

that they provided me with best education and lifestyle that they could.

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But as I say, I’m an INTROVERT, that too an emotional one…

From the time I remember

I have always been a free bird,

or can I say that I

have become so since I have a younger brother in my family.

As far as I remember, I have

done every bit of everything myself

because of my being introverted… or maybe I had no choice:

from going to school at the age of 4 alone

to riding my first bicycle without any help

and much more till now.

But deep inside

I always long for something that I can’t express.

I know my parents’ financial condition so I always said

that I don’t like to celebrate my birthday, or need new clothes

as I wanted to help them in some or the other way without telling them

and I always used to succeed.

Days passed

and growing up an independent woman,

who smiled and laughed as I heard

or read somewhere before that people will not judge you as an introvert

if you smile always…

and it actually works.

But I always felt there should be someone from my family

with whom I can share anything

without any hesitation

and frankly speaking I want the same from my mother and sister.

But mon never had time for me, and my elder sister is

always into herself.

So in many ways I become her elder one…

but as every child need a shelter somewhere, I went to my father.

I started helping him

in his daily chores.

I became a bit close to him

but deep inside still

I keep my aspirations, my wishes into myself.

Keeping it short, the thing I can’t cope up with is MARRIAGE!

It all started when

I entered the “age for getting married”

and my parents put my profile on matrimonial sites.

Thank you COVID, there weren’t many “good” matches,

but I was happy…

because I seriously don’t want to get married.

There’s a fear I don’t understand

and to add to this –

the one marriage that happened in my family

scared me

blocked “marriage” from my mind.

I had to, I know

the family had decided

but no one asked me how I feel…

But I guess no one ever has time for me

or can I say – no one understands me?

Being an introvert, I can’t express my feelings too…

and I went through an anxiety attack

difficult for our parent’s generation to understand.

Because in their generation, shaadi is non-negotiable

whether you are prepared for it or not

you have to

it’s the only thing this society wants…

And that too for a girl? It is the necessity.

Earlier they were changing… as per their children’s needs

at some point even standing up against with others for their irrational views

but now, well, I wish we had never come to this place.

I know they won’t understand ever

what I went through, the pressure I felt

that led me to take such a drastic step

that also hurt a kind soul who was ready to help me.

These things take time to recover,

and as always I need some alone time

to figure out my life.

I wonder… if I had taken this step few months ago

would the situation have been different?

Maybe I might be marrying that kind person

with happiness.

Right now, my life is drenched in feelings I can’t express

but I “must listen to everyone”

including the ones whose every word just break my heart,

the reason I write this whole story

today.

I know it’s difficult

but I don’t want to take any decision in such state of mind.

Feeling extremely sad today.

Image source: MAA – Short Film/Ondraga Originals, YouTube

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