I Am Me

It’s always not beautiful when things take a toll on oneself. This poem is about how a woman felt when she was shattered from inside, full of pain and agony.

I have nothing to say

I really have nothing left to say

I don’t know what to argue about

I don’t know what to convince  about

I don’t know what to apologise about

Don’t know what to ask for

Don’t know what to give

Don’t know where I stand with you

Don’t know where I stand without you

Can’t beg for love

Can’t beg for respect

Can’t beg you to let me be myself

Can’t beg you to be there for me

Can’t beg to be allowed to be a human with emotions

I just have to be

Like a piece of log

Lifeless emotionless mindless

To live with you

I just feel

Like a dog looking up to his master

For some care and affection

For a sense of belonging and some dignity

I just feel

Like a constantly humiliated, worthless creature in your life

There is no anger

There is no rage

There is no resentment

But only disappointment and hopelessness

Despite trying my level best to adjust in all situations,

Despite trying to explain in the politest of words & to the best of my capability and expression

I only feel misunderstood by my better half for reasons best known to him

I feel totally defeated and betrayed by the vows of marriage

And am at the end of my human capacity to bear more

I can’t fake happiness anymore

I can’t live so superficial any more

I want to break free from this cycle of constant tears and depression

Sometimes i think life should end

But my mind tells me

No, this emotional abuse should end

This torturous living should end !

And henceforthe that shall be.

I am my own responsibility, I am my own decision maker… I choose to live… free, happy and self dependant… from the shackles of this patriarchal society… married or single… temporary or permanent, fat or fit… I accept  my emotions, my flaws, my strengths and myself.

Image source: A still from the series Baghyalakshmi

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