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When my husband didn’t listen to me, I tried to master the duties as a wife and a mom, hoping they would make me happier. But soon I felt some emptiness.
Getting a job at 22 was a dream come true for me. And getting married at 24 was also a miracle for a person who never thought of getting married. Soon after getting married, my conception of ‘happily ever after’ started feeling twisted and shaky.
My husband considered himself a privileged man, due to his family and financial background. But he never realised the shortcomings of mental development in terms of open mindedness and giving space. Every small fight we had was attributed to the reactions of some random relative of his. I wasn’t allowed to speak about his relatives, even if it were about an irrational thing they did.
Soon, I developed a sense of indifference, and tried making peace with my life which was a blessing, according to others. First I tried to master the duties as a wife and a mom. But soon I felt a sense of emptiness inside me.
I started observing people around me and how they behaved with me. My husband had somehow made me believe there was something wrong with me and I needed desperate counselling. He even tried to force me to meet some but I stood my ground and never agreed to it.
I started talking to a co-worker of mine who was friendly with me. And soon, we became friends and I realised this man was a great friend! Our friendship lasted a few months before he left the city for other better prospects. And that’s when I realised what made me feel grounded and stable – it was the strong shoulder of a man. It was appreciation I needed and emotional support. I realised I needed the love I was deprived of in my marriage.
Soon, I got another opportunity to work in an MNC and here I was appreciated a lot by both the genders. And I found it weird that I was starving for appreciation and approval.
But then, I met Ashish and he gave me everything – support, appreciation and comfort. Soon we were emotionally involved and somewhere it became difficult to maintain our marriages. And we drifted apart. There was no explanation for either side.
By this time, I was used to online friendships and that’s where I met Arun. Though we both knew each other earlier, this was the start of a new friendship. We met for coffee, shared novels and ideas and he spoke greatly and very well on why he thought he was in a wrong marriage.
He was looking to moving out of his marriage but I just wasn’t ready. I had the middle-class mentality that prevented me from leaving my husband. And since, I was a coward, I let Arun go toward what he deserved. He’s married to another woman after divorcing his wife of 25 years.
That was the worst mistake I’d ever made – letting Arun go. Look at my selfishness, staying in a marriage where I am not even respected and letting go of someone who was much more understanding and mature.
But life moves on. And five years after Arun left, I was in on and off relationships with random men. Initially in the name of support but later mainly only for fun. And each time, I spent some time with a random man, I felt a sense of accomplishment, a sense of having taken revenge on my husband.
So, here I am still married and a dutiful wife and mother, but ask me now, I am happier. Life goes on.
Picture credits: Still from Bollywood movie Kabhi Alvida Na Kehnaa…
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