My Journey As A Woman Who Writes About Sexuality And BDSM

Posted: September 4, 2019

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A woman writing about sexuality is still rare in our society. However, breaking that mould is this author who writes about BDSM and also shares what she learnt from such writing. 

When I first wrote my books about BDSM, I wasn’t very clear about why I was writing about sexuality. The only thing I knew for certain was that I wasn’t coming from a place where I would either evangelise or condemn sexuality. I knew for sure that this was more from a place of “I want to share my story authentically”.

Unlike common belief, I was not a battered woman, nor clueless about what I wanted. I was very clear that I was submissive despite conditioning and not because of it.

At the same time, I was also equally clear that I made my sexual choices because I wanted to make them and not because they were taught to me. I was further clear that the only way to dispel myths that surround BDSM as a choice by a woman, was openly writing and speaking about it.

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So, I wrote. I wrote the books first and then I wrote on websites. I wrote my own blog, I wrote on Facebook, I also contributed as a columnist. Some of the platforms I wrote for were a platform for lesbian & bisexual Indian women. There was another platform that talks about reproductive and sexual health issues. as well as a well known sex toy portal called IMBesharam.

Here are the key things I learnt in the process.

It isn’t easy to write about sexuality

All niches of writing that need you to draw from your personal experience demand a lot of vulnerability. However, the taboo attached to open discussions about one’s sexual encounters, experiences demands far more vulnerability if you want your writing to be authentic.

Writing about sexuality will lead to judgement

A lot of people who read my work, think I’m an easily available slut. When I tell them a no for a BDSM session or sex, they get offended. They try to bully me, they call me names or criticise my looks.

They, however, conveniently seem to forget that they were attracted to the same me, till a few hours ago (till the point I had not said a no to them).

Writing about sexuality is both personal and political

Whether you like it or not, writing about sexuality is a political statement you make. Whether you talk about sex toys, LGBTQIA+ issues, about BDSM, or even personal experiences, you are making a choice to break the pattern of shame around intimate conversations. More so, if you’re a woman.

So when you write about sexuality, no matter how much you speak about personal issues, it’s always a political statement you make.

It will make you stronger

Sexuality is one genre where you cannot copy-paste, or recycle another person’s work. There is absolutely no possibility of manipulating how you feel. Though there can be a moralistic attitude towards it sometimes, it is still an okay place to start with.

The more you write, the more your readers will be able to give you an input. Also, the more you write, the you will be able to observe it objectively.

As a result, it allows you to overcome even your own biases.

You writing about sexuality will empower others

When I write about sexuality from experiences and observations about my own life, I receive responses from other women who want to come out with their truth. As a result, not only is my writing relieving for myself, but also empowering for others.

To summarise, my journey as a woman writer in the space of sexuality has taught me a lot about myself and about others. As I continue the journey, I will keep bringing more insights to you.

Picture credits: Pixabay

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Asmi is an active BDSM practitioner, lifestyle coach based in India, a writer and a

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