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6 Things Bollywood Taught Us About First Nights

Bollywood is a great teacher in terms of love, romance, wooing women, etc etc. Here are some first night lessons, from the very best. 10/10 recommended.

Bollywood is a great teacher in terms of love, romance, wooing women, etc etc. Here are some first night after wedding lessons, from the very best. 10/10 recommended.

Bashful Bride 101

The bride should sit in the middle of the bed under all that suffocating jewellery and clothing. It is absolutely essential that she look like a mini-bedazzled-tent, all bashful and shy. It’s all about the aesthetics.

Preferably with a mile long ghunghat cuz sanskaar ladies.

Got milk?

Make sure that there is that quintessential glass of milk. And there should only be one because pyaar.

When you're starving and you gotta share that glass o'milk

When you’re starving and you gotta share that glass of milk

Jewellery rulz!

Dear would-be brides, practice taking off all your jewellery as fast as possible. Your husband will find that incredibly sexy.

When you realise the amount of jewellery you gotta remove in 0.5 seconds

When you realise the amount of jewellery you gotta remove in 0.5 seconds

Slo-mo works

The guy is supposed to remove that ghunghat in slow motion. Absolutely necessary to do it in slow motion and sing “suhaag raat hai.. ghunghat utha raha hun main”. It’s a spell, won’t work if you don’t sing and your bride will vanish. Legit facts, I swear.

While the bride just suffocates inside like...

While the bride just suffocates inside like…

And then…

After the spell is done, complete the ritual by sacrificing a lamb. Just kidding. Now you both go ahead and break into a sensuous song full of obvious innuendos. That’s the only way, fellas.

Action!

Move on to some creepy touching. Because that’s exactly how you do it. That’s all the action you get tonight if you haven’t passed out already. That’s all folks!

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About the Author

Parul Sharma

New Delhi, India I like to read, write, and talk. A feminist through and through, with a soft spot for chocolate. read more...

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