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We need to say No more often, in order to be able to say Yes when it matters. Here's why I love people who are able to say No clearly and respectfully.
We need to say No more often, in order to be able to say Yes when it matters. Here’s why I love people who are able to say No clearly and respectfully.
Picture this: you meet someone at a conference, exchange visiting cards and he says something like, “We should do something together”. It’s polite, it’s friendly, and before you know it, you’ve exchanged cards and pleasantries with ten people in the room.
In the next week, you reach out to a few of these folks who seem relevant; enquiries that perhaps are a first step to having a more detailed conversation and finding out if there is a good fit for the two of you to engage in some way.
But…all of a sudden, these nice people whom you connected so well with, just don’t respond!
If you’ve been this person (and many of us have), you are probably staying quiet because you don’t see this engagement really happening. But…it just seems harsh to tell the other person right away. So, you tell them you’ll get back to them. That you need to check internally if its ‘feasible’. Or you simply don’t answer the email.
They mail you again. And again. Until they get the message that its not going anywhere and stop contacting you.
I have been that person sending out mails after a conference, as well as the person on the other side receiving them and unable to send out a clear response. Most of us have, and in a bunch of situations – whether it is people we meet at events, someone referred to us by a friend, or just an email out of the blue.
In the Indian context, saying no doesn’t come easily to us, because we have been conditioned from childhood, that disagreeing with someone is the same as showing disrespect. So, we dilly-dally and wait for the other person to quit asking. The situation is worse for women, because enough research has shown that women are judged more harshly than men, when they do say ‘No’.
Yet, making people wait indefinitely is not a good thing to do. And not just for the sake of the person waiting for your response. By making someone do the hard work of contacting you repeatedly or even worse, letting them believe you are seriously considering their offer, you are of course wasting their time. But you are also damaging some amount of the goodwill you may have created before.
Even from a very mercenary perspective, this person you are leaving dangling without a clear response, could be a potential client or customer in another role, or a valuable contact who could connect you to investors or customers you need one day. So besides being a sheer waste of everyone’s time, by subtly communicating to the other person that you don’t care enough to be honest with them, you have one less person in the industry rooting for you.
This is also why I love all the people who’ve said no to me in my career as a sales and marketing professional and subsequently as an entrepreneur.
No, we won’t be able to place any more orders for that fragrance this quarter.
Thank you! I can make more realistic estimates of whether I will achieve my targets this quarter, or where I can make up the shortfall from.
No, I don’t see our company coming on board for this project – since this is not among the XYZ focus areas we have for this financial year.
Thank you! This is valuable information about the market that I can factor into future proposals.
No, we won’t be able to deliver your order within 3 days – because it takes us 4 days to deliver a high quality design that you will first approve, and then we go to print.
Thank you! I know that you take deadlines seriously and won’t overpromise and under-deliver; and if we really cannot wait, perhaps we should cross-check with other suppliers, or reassess our own deadlines.
In all these (real) cases in my career, people who said ‘No’ have helped me meet targets, understand customer needs and spend my time more wisely.
Not saying ‘No’ leads to an enormous amount of unnecessary emails, phone calls, meetings and time wastage for everyone concerned.
We need to train ourselves consciously, to be people who say ‘Yes’ after judicious thinking, and ‘No’ as well when it is clearly needed – and in ways that work for us.
I would love to hear from you whether saying No comes easily to you, and how you make that choice.
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First published here.
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Founder & Chief Editor of Women's Web, Aparna believes in the power of ideas and conversations to create change. She has been writing since she was ten. In another life, she used to be read more...
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Mostly Normal is a book of innocence, longing, filial love, angst and acceptance, encapsulating a gamut of human emotions within its lightweight edifice. The book touches the human heart and will stay with you.
Some books enthral you till the last page, and then there are those that you stop reading after turning a few pages. Some books are a one-time read, while you carry some books with you long after you have read them. Then, once in a while, a book hits you so close to home that you find it difficult to slot into any category.
I will put Priyadeep Kaur’s Mostly Normal (BookSoul Reads, 2022) in this last bracket.
At a little less than hundred pages, Mostly Normal is a testimony of the power of words to inspire, irrespective of their length.
Most women do not get to live their lives the way they want, on their own terms. So why should they be tied down in their old age?
Every morning, while dropping the kids at the bus stop, I find a grandfather waiting with his granddaughter. I see him again when I fetch the kids. This has been the pattern for the last few years.
He is seen actively participating in his granddaughter’s activities, from morning and evening walks to attending her parent-teachers meeting, sending her for extracurricular activities to even planning her birthday party. He is admired by all. He is appreciated for making himself useful in his old age. People rave that the doting grandfather is doing his duty towards his children and grandchildren. The much-admired grandfather is also a widower, having lost his wife years ago to chronic disease. It’s also to be noted that both his son and daughter-in-law are working parents.
Every day, the onlookers appreciate his sense of duty and dedication. They say that this is how the elderly should keep themselves occupied. They should bring up their grandchildren while their children go off to work.
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