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I Just Had A Beautiful Baby And All I Was Doing Was Crying…

Posted: September 3, 2020

All I was doing within 15 days of this most important event of my life was crying…as a new mom, I was just terrified and no one knew what was happening.

My first conscious brush with the mind and its powers began somewhere in 2005 when I attended the NLP Basic workshop in Mumbai. This knowledge about the mind and its powers lay dormant till 2009 when I met my trainer for my Level 1 Hypnotherapy workshop and since then, the mind and its penchant for drama has intrigued me.

Trigger Warning: This post contains some descriptions of suicidal thoughts which could be triggering for survivors.

As I think deeper, the first jolt that my mind gave me – asserting its powerful presence was when I suffered from Post Partum Depression. Strangely, at that time, I never knew it had a name or that it was even something known.

I just had a beautiful baby and all I was doing within 15 days of this most important event of my life was crying…tears flowing continuously, I was scared of the baby, scared of what I would do if she cried, I was just terrified and no one knew what was happening.

The most prominent thoughts in my mind were – should I just run away? or should I just end my life? But somehow, the thoughts of what would happen to my baby and my husband if I went away from their lives forced me to abandon those ideas.

Tears became my regular mode of communication

That was also the time when we were suddenly forced into a financial crisis for reasons beyond our control. I had taken my baby to the paediatrician and while talking to him, I burst out crying. He spoke to me and asked if it happened frequently and suggested I see a Psychiatrist for this. This suggestion came as a big shock to me – a Psychiatrist? Am I going crazy? My notion then was that you see a psychiatrist only if you go mad, completely oblivious to what my actual problem was. I was already scared and this seemed like the nail in my coffin.

My next stop that day was my Gynaecologist – an expert but a very strict personality. His wife was the anaesthesiologist – a warm and pleasing personality. One glance at me and he asked, “What’s wrong?”. I answered him with my then regular mode of communication – tears.

They both waited for me to complete crying and then asked my mother who had accompanied me to wait outside with the baby. She did mention to them before going, “I don’t understand what’s wrong but she keeps crying like a crazy person.”

My doctors told me very patiently that I was not the first person to feel overwhelmed at this huge change in my life. They shared that one patient came with the baby insisting that they take back the baby and I was still handling it better. I talked for almost an hour and still don’t remember what I spoke about.

This is when I began feeling hopeful…

By the end of the conversation, I was feeling better and hopeful, if not very positive. My mother was given a clear set of instructions – though my baby was just 15 days old, I was healthy enough to go for a walk / eat whatever I want and no one was to dictate any terms to me about ‘customs’ during the first 40 days of delivery. The doctors certified that since I had a c-section and had no pains, I was even fit to do household work or if possible do some errands. I was prescribed some medicines and told to take it easy but not be lazy and the next time I visited, I was supposed to get my husband.

Back home a little better, I took the medicines just after dinner – and I fell asleep at the table – thanks to forgetting the medicine instructions given to me. I was knocked out until the next morning and had no idea how my mom and husband managed taking care of the baby. The first realisation I had after getting up was that I felt very fresh. Then, I remembered falling asleep at the dinner table.

I realised, I could not afford to do this everyday. I had the responsibility of my baby, my home and my self. “I can’t break down without any actual reason” – giving myself this pep talk, I looked at my baby and for the first time, felt happy and smiled at her.

This, I could say, was the beginning of getting better and more in control of my feelings. The next visit to the doctor reinforced the belief that it is ok to be clueless and scared sometimes, it is not the end of the world or the end of yourself. My husband was interviewed by the doctor and he was told to put me back in the circumstances that were familiar to me before my delivery. Which meant, going back to just the two of us with an addition of the baby at home.

I was not made aware of anything and I strangely found it peaceful to be by myself alone at home, throughout the day with my little one. We both would wait for the evening when the man of the house would come back home and take the little one for a long walk so that I could relax or cook or just be. Things were back to normal with an extra dose of happiness in the form of the child whom we adored.

It was months later, when I read in the newspaper about some suicides due to post partum depression that I realised what a grave issue it was and how, I was lucky to have the strong support of the doctors and family members who helped me recover.

I think the same goes for any other kind of depression. The fear is very strong and real, and the challenge is loving yourself much more than the power of fear. Not letting the fear overpower your zest for life, remembering that there are many things to be grateful for and there are many things yet to achieve before the end of this life.

Today there is much more awareness on the issues of mental health and it has gained the rightful importance it deserves. But still…there are miles to go yet…and I intend to play a significant role in spreading the awareness and also helping people empower themselves.

First published here.

Image credits Creative Images, via Canva Pro

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I am a Clinical Hypnotherapist, Tarot Reader, Numerologist, Healer (Multiple Modalities) and Trainer

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