My Husband Is Having An Affair And He Abuses Me [#ReachOutThursday]

Two women share their marriage issues, one whose husband is having an affair and the other’s whose in-laws are unsupportive. What would you suggest?

My husband is having an affair and he abuses me

I had a love marriage with no family support. Now it is, 9 years of relationship and 7 years of marriage. It’s 10 months now; my husband is having an affair with his ex-colleague’s wife. My husband does not work anymore. I talked to the lady and her husband too, and both seem calm about it. They have a 3 year old baby too. I fought, begged and did every possible thing to stop my husband from continuing the affair. Instead of paying heed to me, he just left the house. I had to beg him to come back, which he did. Now things are worse. He is verbally and physically abusive. No one is there to stand by me. My husband says that we can be happy this way too. But I can’t find time to spend with my husband. He is always busy on whatsapp, video call or phone with the other woman. My mother in law has asked me to stay calm as many men have second wives. Even the lady’s husband is quite about it. We don’t have kids and my husband says that he is with me because of money. My life has become a living hell. What should I do now? Please help.

It’s an unfortunate situation to be in and one should keep one’s mental balance intact as this is the only support you can have in the circumstances.

You seem to be the earning member as of now as you yourself mentioned that your husband says that he is with you because of money. You have not spoken about your qualifications but you must be quite educated too. Now you need to introspect as to what is your role in making your life a living hell. Is it only your husband or his paramour?

You need to reflect upon yourself as a self respecting human being? Why are you bearing all the humiliations he is heaping on you?  Or is it really him who is insulting you? What is your role in all this? Please reflect on this aspect too.

Please do realize that it’s a fortunate circumstance that you do not have a baby. It is easier for you to move away from the relationship.  Why do you accept verbal and physical abuse from him?  And not only you have accepted all this in the past, you continue to accept him with all his flaws. You may be stating otherwise, but your behavior does not reflect that you have any major objections. He does all this because he knows you will keep on taking it all in. At least that is the tacit message you continue to give to him.

Please, dear, now is the time to take that firm step of moving away; of saying NO to his evil behaviors. What has happened in the past cannot be redeemed. But we can take charge of the present. Move away from the relationship with your dignity intact and your head held high.

Not him, but you have to decide what kind of life you want. Is it a life full of heaped insults, insinuations , verbal and physical abuse or a quiet solitude with a time of your own, money of your own and dignity entirely your own. It’s high time you should try to connect with your folks whom you left when you married him against their wishes. Obviously, they saw in him which you could not yourself at that time as you were so smitten with “love”.

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Try to reconnect with your folks. It’s probable that they will accept you and support you at this lowest ebb in your life. And even if they do not, you will at least get the satisfaction that at least you tried. Your in laws also seem not to respect you as an individual as is evident in the retort of your mother in law which you mentioned.

Dear, you have to be more proactive in this situation. No one else can give you, your dignity back. Only you can do it.

Please remember that your future actions should be a reflection of this perspective.

And do interact with some  counselor too as there will be times when you would be feeling lonely and a counseling support would give you your confidence back.

 Amita Puri, Psychologist, Healtheminds

Can I have a second child now?

I am a 34 year old woman, married for the past 11 years. I have a 10 year old daughter. I live in a joint family, where my in-laws mistreat me. My husband loves me, but can’t say anything when it comes to his parents. My home has never been a comfortable place to live in.

My question is, is it a good enough a place to bring in a second child? I am working and my health is not too good. Also, I think it’s too late, though I see my daughter lonely at times. I am always in stress.

Please suggest what I should do. My life has become very boring, though I work; I feel lonely and empty within.

I know dear, it may not help to know when I say that many Indian women find themselves caught in this web and feel helpless to do anything. I am sharing this with you through my experience spanning several years.

There are many issues at hand which you are facing right now.  We will begin with your in-laws issues first. They are and are continuing to mistreat you because you let them.  You should not look at your husband to support you in a situation which is totally your territory – yourself respect and dignity , as you put him in a conflicting situation with his parents which makes him uncomfortable . This approach must be creating unspoken and spoken tiffs between you two which are not a nice thing for your daughter to witness – which she surely must be seeing many times even when you may be thinking that she may not know about it. Children these days are smarter than we give them the credit for.

Create your invincible boundary around you which no one should be able to pierce, especially your in-laws. But do it politely and firmly. You may have tried this at various times but now you must do it with a more will. Remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Regarding your job, it’s a good thing that you are working. It would help you develop your own friendships and networking to make you feel confident. It also will eventually give you the confidence to bring your second child in this world. Remember, your decisions should not be based on others. Listen to your own heart.  If you truly think, your child needs a sibling so gift her one. There are various ways to handle uncomfortable things post delivery. Keep a full time maid so that your child and you are not dependent on your in laws “graces” and your work also gets done properly. This peace at home will help you be more productive at your work place also.

All these things done at a comfortable pace will help you jerk out of your boredom and loneliness.  It will also help you to spend more quality time with your husband and child which will give you rich dividends of happiness in terms of personal and family life satisfaction. If you are not irritated or frustrated, you will be able to cope up with your in laws ill behavior to your satisfaction.

More peace to you. Just remain firm, polite and focused.

 Amita Puri, Psychologist, Healtheminds

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