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A woman shares her dark thoughts of being sexually attracted to her sister-in -aw and another who had an affair with her boss, who moved to another city. What would you suggest?
Every Thursday, the Women’s Web expert panel with the support of Healtheminds, answers questions from readers facing relationships issues, emotional and mental challenges and other such issues.
My brother is 10 years younger to me. I have always treated him like my son. Now, he is married. I suddenly feel attracted to his wife. I am married, with two daughters. His wife treats me with a lot of respect. But I cannot stop thinking of her. Often my thoughts become sexual about her. I feel like talking to her and spending time with her.
There are many undercurrents in what you have shared and there are some questions which require honest introspection and reflection. So please be mentally prepared for a self-reflection. Firstly, you will have to consider if you are really happy and satisfied in your married life. Do you still feel sexual attraction for your husband after having two kids? Do other men also attract you?
You also have to consider, is your inclination bisexual? And since when?
Maybe, your inclination was bisexual during your college days but you never gave this much importance then; or perhaps there were not many opportunities then. Whatever the case may be, you need to do some serious introspection.
If you are getting sexually attracted to your brother’s wife, then it’s a serious matter which needs sober handling. Is it because that since you have treated your younger brother like a son, that the thought that he is getting physically intimate with another woman disturbs you somehow or is it that the thought of them together tickles you somewhere you are trying to “see” in your mind’s eye that what has this girl got which so attracts my brother?
All these queries which I have shared with you, need reflection and introspection.
After all, no seed of thought emerges just like that unless there has been some fertile ground of sorts for its harvesting and growth. You getting sexually attracted to your sister in law also did not happen overnight. There must have been some bisexual leanings in your mental makeup earlier too – even if you were not consciously aware of them.
Presently, you must keep your thoughts to yourself regarding your sexual attraction to your sister in law as you are well aware that this relationship would not be feasible. There is no harm in spending time with her but try not to be “alone” with her lest your inner feelings give way to expression. Meet her in the presence of the other people. There is safety in numbers, it is said and in this case there is definitely more safety even in your feelings towards her when others are around.
You may appreciate her as and when the situation demands – there is no issue in showering praises on a younger sister in law in terms of her work, dressing sense, looks, housekeeping skills etc. So please do not feel inhibited in doing so. Behave as casually as you can and do not feel awkward in her presence.
While you may have have bisexual leanings, nothing good will come out of feeling sexually attracted to one’s younger sister in law. Keep reminding yourself of this fact many times during the day and affirm to yourself the same. Gradually, the law of diminishing returns will work in your favor and these feelings will slowly fade away from your consciousness.
And, as and when it’s feasible with you, do speak with a counselor too. It will help you immensely for your own mental health to have a one on one interaction with a counselor.
Dr. Amita Puri, Psychologist, Healtheminds
I am in a relationship with my boss for past 5 years. He is married. Now he has resigned and is going to a new city with his family. I feel devastated. My boss and I have had emotional and physical relationship. I am 37 years old. Please help me. I am unmarried, staying with my mom.
Firstly, thank you for reaching out and expressing your concern. Today, the taboo has lifted somewhat. It seems that people all around me are having extramarital affairs. But, it is never easy. It is always followed by a lot of concerns and problems.
Today, the taboo has lifted somewhat. It seems that people all around me are having extramarital affairs. But, it is never easy. It is always followed by a lot of concerns and problems.
Sometimes married people fall out of love with their spouses, and fall in love with another person, generally someone they have known for years. If spouse is the person they are to have children with, their lover brings a sense of soul connection, love, great sex, compassion and understanding. However, It is essential to realize that if people can decide to have an affair, they can also choose to move out of it. Anytime.
I do understand that things might be difficult for you now, but you need to keep yourself strong. Considering you said that you are 37 years old and unmarried, it looks like your boss filled the void in your life by meeting your emotional and physical needs. Now that he has moved away, you might be feeling low about everything.
It might be helpful to consider some of the potential dangers of having an extramarital affair.
When you’re drawn into an affair, it’s unlikely that you’ll want to be confronted by any of these uncomfortable facts. Thinking about these now may help you feel better.
If you are sure that things have ended for the two of you, you need to now think of how you would you want things for youself going forward. However, if you are still not sure as to why things ended, you could be benefitted by talking to him about it. A healthy discussion could bring in a lot more clarity and help you deal with it in a better way.
I understand this a major concern for you. You feeling devastated is understandable, but realize you also you have responsibilities over your shoulder. Talking your heart out to people who care for you will definitely help you feel much better. Stress management is extremely essential at the moment. Involve yourself in activities that makes you happy.
I also suggest that you seek professional help.
Halima, Psychologist, Healtheminds
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