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A 30-year-old woman asks about her physically abusive boyfriend, whom she is all set to marry next year.
Every Thursday, the Women’s Web expert panel with the support of Healtheminds, answers questions from readers facing relationships issues, emotional and mental challenges and other such issues.
In this edition of #ReachOutThursday, a woman in a relationship where her boyfriend is physically abusive seeks advice on what to do.
I am a 30-year-old woman, working in an IT firm. Professionally I am doing very well. I am in a relationship with a man for past 5 years; we plan to marry in July 2016. He is also an Engineer in an IT firm. Professionally we both are doing well. Our parents are also very happy about our marriage. But my boyfriend turns violent when he gets angry. He becomes physically abusive. It seems he is a different person when he is angry. Otherwise, he is the nicest guy on earth. I spoke to his mother about this. She says that things will be fine after marriage. My boyfriend refuses any help in this matter.
Good to know that you are happy in your relationship.
However as per your version I have a few suggestions to make:
Also ask her the frequency of such violent anger outbursts since childhood. Would he get physically abusive with anyone then or are you only facing the brunt of physical abuse?
Firmly say NO to physical abuse – even when he may convince you that you provoked him into getting angry because of some wrongdoing of yours which may have been intentional or otherwise.
Please remember, no provocative situation (even one in which you may have been completely wrong) can justify physical abuse.
Once physical abuse begins from a boyfriend or husband, it will never going to end howsoever polite or submissive you might become. If you “accept” this pattern in a relationship – just to “keep” the relationship because otherwise he may be pure gold in temperament, its never going to stop and you will be welcoming yourself to a life time of torture and trauma which may turn one into a social, emotional, physical and psychological wreck.
Please do meet a counsellor too with whom you will be able to talk about specific coping strategies in dealing with specific anger tantrums. It will be easier to make him come to terms with his anger and abusive issues now than after marriage. Your mother-in-law is a typical mother who blindly believes that things will automatically improve after marriage. Such issues never get resolved on their own. You will have to take concrete action and demarcate your boundaries politely but firmly.
– Dr. Amita Puri, Psychologist
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I huffed, puffed and panted up the hill, taking many rest breaks along the way. My calf muscles pained, my heart protested, and my breathing became heavy at one stage.
“Let’s turn back,” my husband remarked. We stood at the foot of Shravanbelagola – one of the most revered Jain pilgrimage centres. “We will not climb the hill,” he continued.
My husband and I were vacationing in Karnataka. It was the month of May, and even at the early hour of 8 am in the morning, the sun scorched our backs. After visiting Bangalore and Mysore, we had made a planned stop at this holy site in the Southern part of the state en route to Hosur. Even while planning our vacation, my husband was very excited at the prospect of visiting this place and the 18 m high statue of Lord Gometeshwara, considered one of the world’s tallest free-standing monolithic statues.
What we hadn’t bargained for was there would be 1001 granite steps that needed to be climbed to have a close-up view of this colossal magic three thousand feet above sea level on a hilltop. It would be an understatement to term it as an arduous climb.
Why is the Social Media trend of young mothers of boys captioning their parenting video “Dear future Daughter-in-Law, you are welcome” deeply problematic and disturbing to me as a young mother of a girl?
I have recently come across a trend on social media started by young mothers of boys who share videos where they teach their sons to be sensitive and understanding and also make them actively participate in household chores.
However, the problematic part of this trend is that such reels or videos are almost always captioned, “To my future daughter-in-law, you are welcome.” I know your intentions are positive, but I would like to point out how you are failing the very purpose you wanted to accomplish by captioning the videos like this.
I know you are hurt—perhaps by a domestic household that lacks empathy, by a partner who either is emotionally unavailable, is a man-child adding to your burden of parenting instead of sharing it, or who is simply backed by overprotective and abusive in-laws who do not understand the tiring journey of a working woman left without any rest as doing the household chores timely is her responsibility only.
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