Surviving Self-Apathy: This Is My Story

It’s pouring outside, a dark and gloomy day, I sit by my window watching the rain. I start crying, my mind starts playing with my thoughts. Thoughts that are always finding a way towards negativity. Thoughts about how my life could have been. I start the whole routine of how I could never pursue something academically and how it had an adverse effect on my career and then how getting married just stripped me off my independence and then having a baby just added to my responsibilities. While at some level all these stages of my life have been a source of value addition and happiness, I completely reverse that part in my mind and stick to just the negative parts, most of which is self-created apathy towards my life.

I have always chosen to ignore the opportunities and glorify the deformities my life as a mother and wife have brought to me. I resorted to victimhood at the smallest opportunity. The pleasure in being a victim has always been attractive to me. The rain just adds to the atmosphere I create in my mind. It’s gloomy inside and outside.

I am a person of many talents. I was an excellent student academically. I have a creative genius when it comes to cooking, painting, baking or simply designing. I enjoy writing and giving ground to my thoughts. But even with so much hidden inside me, all I indulged in was being in a state of self-pity. It was perpetual, it affected my married life, my motherhood and my overall personality. It was also affecting my health adversely. I had so many stress-induced health problems that I stopped counting them after a point of time. I was getting emotionally shrivelled, and small things triggered big, angry outbursts. I was becoming this person that I hated. I was becoming my son’s insomnia and my husband’s unhappiness.

I am not going to do this anymore. Really, do you think it’s possible? This is what I do. This is my thing. I don’t think I can do anything about this. No, I have to take control. Stop it now. It is affecting my health and my family life. I cannot live like this. PERIOD. These were my self-reflections one afternoon, a bright and sunny day, after my son told me,”Mummy, you are such a good painter, I wish I can become like you.” This was a simple thought he shared with me but it made me realise that I am good, I am good at what I do, and I should channelise my energies to do something right. Stop this self-loathing and resort to a positive way of life.

I needed something to clear my mind, something to push me towards positivity. I realised I was doing it wrong, but I needed a way to understand the right. This is where yoga and meditation were my friends. They helped to clarify my thoughts, rekindle my energies and devote them to do something positive. I felt relaxed. I could put my thoughts to a better use now. I made small changes to my life, instead of making a 5-year plan, I decided to plan each day in small steps. I get up each morning and plan that day. I try to stick to that plan and, believe me, it’s awesome the number of things that I actually do by the end of the day. It surprises me – before, I was constantly complaining about not having enough time to do things for myself but now even after completing all my chores I find enough time to do what I want. I have started enjoying each day.

I am still on the path of discovering myself, but I have at least started the process. Right now, I don’t know what I will achieve – whether I can successfully pursue my plans, but what I am sure of is that I have a goal. I have taken up things I enjoy. Now my hands are full. I am pursuing my passion as a writer, I am helping my husband with his HR consultancy as his partner, I am running my own event management firm, I am involving myself actively in painting and art, and along with all this I am keeping my family happy and myself happier.

I am a survivor and I survived self-apathy.