A story of love, loss and second chances by Nikita Singh, releasing this Valentine’s Day.
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I wasn’t scared of marriage. I did not think about it could be one reason. And I did not know what all was part of the package could be another reason. But on examining it closer and having read a bit in the past few years, I realised I wasn’t scared of marriage because I was not prepared, as a sacrificial goat often is, prepared for marriage.
I think it largely begins and belongs with my mother as it begins, belongs and stays with other mothers. I think I wasn’t scared of marriage and what all it will do to curb me as a person because I wasn’t trained to be someone else after marriage.
I was, since the childhood, put on a certain mental fodder that I took for granted would not change after the marriage. I am an avid reader and I was never fed the thought that I will be barred from reading when I got married. So why would marriage scare me?
Brought up in such an atmosphere where I was taught by example how responsibilities of the household are meant to be shared and they are not burdens under which one person would stifle and other gained girth, so why would marriage scare me?
I was never asked to do/ learn things, even on the insistence of neighbourhood aunties, because a married girl should know them or else……so why would marriage scare me?
I was implored often to get off my butt and get moving but that was not for the sole purpose of being eye candy for the husband-to-be so why would marriage scare me?
You see I was never asked to be interesting to ensure the husband’s interest in me so why would marriage scare me?
There were other things though like being taught the importance of being financially independent, well-read, thoughtful, sincere, respectful and those I imbibed to a great extent and so even after being married for seven years and seeing some of the realities differ, I am not scared of marriage.
Pic credit: Debarshi Ray (Used under a Creative Commons license)
Aanandika Sood aspires to be the rolling stone that gathers a lot of moss. After
One of the best articles I have seen in Womensweb. One of the best lines that sums up the reality of most Indian marriages “I was taught by example how responsibilities of the household are meant to be shared and they are not burdens under which one person would stifle and other gained girth.”
Hopefully with more Indian women becoming assertive, financially independent and strong, the stiffling nature of Indian marriages would change.
Loved this post! I was actually scared of marriage, having seen the many unequal, unfair relationships in my family, but my own experience has taught me that with a man who genuinely walks the talk, it is possible to build something different.
I wasn’t scared of marriage either, but life never comes planned… one may face challanges totally unexpected
It is a wonderful article,very very real. But my dear author ,you are lucky. Lucky that nobody scared you after marriage,
forget about others.at least your husband did not scare you.
The fact is ,though many girls are brought up the way you were,indian men have refused to change, They want to control every small little thing about their wife,curbing her hobbies, her movement, her career .And when it fails they resort to mental ,emotional abuse-often even physical.This leaves permenant scars on the girl.and some other girls around.
won’t they be scared of marriage then?
Dear Manjiree, I completely agree with what you have written. I for one have been permanently scarred from the experiences of my first marriage with a so called IIT engineer. He banned me from reading novels(most of which are downloaded from internet or bought from second hand markets) and watching downloaded movies on the pretext that they were illegal (while conveniently ignoring the fact that his elder brother married a 16 year old girl). But the real reason was that he wanted me utilize any time that I had on providing “seba” to his big brood of family in his ancestral village. He also banned me from applying lipbalm or wearing jeans on the pretext that it will make me look like a slut. His mother banned me from talking with other men on the pretext that I was married while all the time ignoring the fact that his own son has no such restriction imposed on him.
If this is the condition of so called educated men who work in corporate India then we better on scoff at drunks who beat up their wives.
Dear Aastha, same is true for me. Life did toss me many unexpected challenges- most of which I did not like or thought that I could ever come out of- yet I wrote in the end ‘even after being married for seven years and seeing some of the realities differ’ I am not scared of marriage.
I hope that this offers some solace to you as well.
With lots of warmth
Dear Manjiree, yes I have been lucky but I think not only in the fact that the husband was less intimidating but also in the fact that I managed to keep at it (it being whatever I knew made me happy- books for one). I also agree that men refuse to change or else are goaded by their own mothers to keep their wives on leash and that would leave scars but the onus of telling our daughters that they are bigger, better and beyond this- Marriage- lies with us, the fortunate wives, the blessed mothers. Would you agree?
Dear Shonali and Anon (wish you had left a name)…. thank you for taking out time to read it and showing appreciation. Means a lot. Cheers!
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