Love long lost

My insides scream when I’m with you
I want the earth to swallow me whole so you can’t see me
Grey rock, disappear, don’t exist don’t be, don’t have a personality
So you can’t see me to hurt me
Yet I’m with you every day
Why? I don’t understand me
Why don’t I love me?

I stay silent when I want to holler in despair till my throat bursts
Over how you yell, berate and mock me
Which will be which on what day is a surprise
I am always the butt of your joke
The thorn on your side
A source of constant disdain
I grow tired of your rage and hatred sprinkled with affection
So I hold on to hope that things will change
Yes I don’t leave
Why can’t I leave?
Why does my skin need your skin at this visceral level?
When did my mind meld with yours?
Why do I choose you over me?
Why don’t I love me?

You make me feel like nothing
You enjoy my brokenness
You celebrate my torment
You laugh at my pain
You chew at my brain
You break my heart, you’ve chipped it away
Yet I stay with you? Why why why!
Why don’t I love me??


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