Because He Provides, I Must Adjust To The Humiliation

Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation and threat, psychological abuse, unsupportive parents.

“There’s enough mayhem everywhere. Don’t you dare disturb the peace of your house?” My mother hung off her phone.

Now, the context: I was about to commit suicide. Fed up with the daily drama in the house, and the provoked husband’s diatribes and emotional abuse, I had assumed ending my life would be easier and better.

Unhealed trauma made sure, there was no hope left in me

My mother had iron-handedly stopped every healthy communication with me a long time back, ever since I had complained about my monstrous relatives. Unhealed childhood trauma made me an introvert. Hence, expecting her to say a few words in my favour at this stage, was futile.

That evening, my parents came over to my place. I knew what was going to ensue. I chose to remain as silent as a stone.

Because I suffered in the past, so must you in the present

And so, she started. A few pointers include:

• “Why are you inviting depression into your life? There are so many problems in everyone’s life. Are they getting depressed or killing themselves?”
• “Open up!”
• “You have seen me. Don’t you remember how I have adjusted to the huge family of in-laws? I had been patient, and hence, they still remember and love me.”
• “Your husband takes care of your every need, be it food or clothing. Even he takes you out often. Why are you whining, then? You have to bear with him.”
• “Didn’t I live with your daadi? Children need grandparents. And, in this last age, where will they go? You have to compromise with their senility.”

And, the final and most promising one, according to her,

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• “Your full focus should be on your child. Put him in some activities. Help him study. Where and how does this ‘I can’t’ come up?”

For every piece of advice, I had my answer. However, when she had never recognized my feelings, I preferred to be mum. So, I blankly smiled, and let her leave.

A relation needs healthy communication

Healthy communication is needed to maintain a relationship. Perhaps, since I shared an unhealthy bond with my mother, I had opened up to my husband. At the start, I would speak about everything. Gradually, I discerned, how he relished making fun of them.

And, so, again, I began to chew my own words.

Suppression became another self. Things turned sour post-childbirth. And, after the Corona outbreak, when the in-laws made him their puppet, I knew, what exactly was going to be in my kitty.

Why should I be humiliated just because my husband provides for me?

However, I wasn’t a sponge that I could go on tolerating such a nuisance. I openly revolted. I pinpointed their harassment. And, even if I overlooked the in-laws, didn’t I deserve the basics of dignity from my husband?

Why should he play with my feelings as a condition to provide me with food and clothing?

Today, nothing has changed.

I continue to ignore and pray.

Just one genuine support from anyone in this world, especially financial (for I have lost faith in the emotional one) can surely put me in a better position in life.

If you or anyone you know is feeling suicidal, here are some of the helplines available in India. Please call. 

Aasra, Mumbai: 022 27546669

Sneha, Chennai: 044 2464 0050

Lifeline, Kolkata: 033 2474 4704

Sahai, Bangalore: 080 25497777

Roshni, Hyderabad: 040 66202000, 040 66202001

Image source: Still from Jaya Jaya Jaya Jaya Hey, edited on CanvaPro

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