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We often tend to confuse fear of marriage as nervousness but a guy I met helped me understand the reality.
I had been seeing guys for marriage for a long time and somewhere deep inside, I always had a fear; a fear of commitment, a fear of responsibility, a fear of losing my freedom and what not. I thought my fear had reached its maximum limit until I met this one person who changed my perception.
I met this guy almost six months back through a matrimonial group and we spoke for less than twenty minutes in our first meeting, as it was with parents and I’m sure you all know how matrimonial meetings can be! Later, when we met alone for a second time, he shared with me his fears of marriage for the first time. I thought it was cool and even though I was scared, I still had the courage to make this decision. I thought he’ll be fine once he gets comfortable. But to my surprise, we met almost 5 times and nothing changed.
It wasn’t that he didn’t like me. He spoke to me properly and he did confess that this was the first time he had met someone for 5 times but he was still unable to make up his mind. Even though our meeting was arranged by parents, there was some connection that built up over time during these meetings.
When he finally said no during our last meeting, I started seeing other guys again. But after two months, he texted me all of a sudden and asked me to meet him. I met him because I never forgot about him. We met again, had our favourite coffee, went for a drive and he seemed a bit more positive. Due to his fear, he asked me for 2 more days and I thought it would be a yes for sure since he himself showed up this time.
Shockingly, he still told me that he is confused and doesn’t know what to say. I was so mad that I asked him directly about what it is that makes him so scared. I told him that I understand marriage is a huge decision, but even though I am scared, I’m still ready to do it.
I was very anxious and since he was unexpressive, it took me a lot of time to make him comfortable so that he could share his thoughts. Finally, he told me that he is scared of responsibilities and commitments. He shared that today, he is free to make any decisions without thinking twice as it’s only him, but after marriage or kids, he needs to think twice before making any decisions. I realized this fear is deeply ingrained in him that even love, friendship or comfort cannot take it out.
I share this incident because we often hear that he or she is scared of marriage and we take it very lightly. But I think that a lot of the time, we tend to confuse that fear with nervousness. I can say that I actually met someone who is so scared to get married that I realized that I was only nervous and not scared.
The biggest takeaway from our last marriage was that I realized his fear was and will always remain more than my fear.
Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash
Smriti Malhotra is a Delhi girl and an avid dreamer. She works at the Embassy of the Republic of Congo by profession but is a writer by passion. She began writing while at school and read more...
This post has published with none or minimal editorial intervention. Women's Web is an open platform that publishes a diversity of views, individual posts do not necessarily represent the platform's views and opinions at all times.
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Neena was the sole caregiver of Amma and though one would think that Amma was dependent on her, Neena felt otherwise.
Neena inhaled the aroma that emanated from the pan and took a deep breath. The aroma of cumin interspersed with butter transported her back to the modest kitchen in her native village. She could picture her father standing in the kitchen wearing his white crisp kurta as he made delectable concoctions for his only daughter.
Neena grew up in a home where both her parents worked together in tandem to keep the house up and running. She had a blissful childhood in her modest two-room house. The house was small but every nook and cranny gave her memories of a lifetime. Neena’s young heart imagined that her life would follow the same cheerful course. But how wrong she was!
When she was sixteen, the catastrophic clutches of destiny snatched away her parents. They passed away in a road accident and Neena was devastated. Relatives thronged her now gloomy house and soon it was decided that she should be married off.
Women today don’t want to be in a partnership that complicates their lives further. They need an equal partner with whom they can figure out life as a team, playing by each other’s strengths.
We all are familiar with that one annoying aunty who is more interested in our marital status than in the dessert counter at a wedding. But these aunties have somehow become obsolete now. Now they are replaced by men we have in our lives. Friends, family, and even work colleagues. It’s the men who are worried about why we are not saying yes to one among their clans. What is wrong with us? Aren’t we scared of dying alone? Like them?
A recent interaction with a guy friend of mine turned sour when he lectured me about how I would regret not getting married at the right time. He lectured that every event in our lives needs to be completed within a certain timeframe set by society else we are doomed. I wasn’t angry. I was just disappointed to realize that annoying aunties are rapidly doubling in our society. And they don’t just appear at weddings or family functions anymore. They are everywhere. They are the real pandemic.
Let’s examine this a little closer.
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