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My open letter may be harsh, it may sound like a vent, but it’s the truth, so take it with a pinch of salt!
“You are the mother, of course, the kid will want you.”
“She is more comfortable with you.”
“Men are not emotionally or mentally equipped to take care of babies like women do, they can’t.”
“Don’t make him change the diapers, this is a mother’s job.”
“I can’t hold her, I am scared.”
“I can’t cut her nails; I don’t know how to.”
“Can’t you see I am on call.”
“He is such a nice father; he plays with her for 1 hour every day. Most husbands don’t even do that.”
“You have become paranoid after having the baby.”
“Stop breastfeeding her, that’s why she is always clung to you and doesn’t come to us.”
“I will help you, why do you need your husband to help with the baby.”
“His work schedule is too tight, he can’t make time, you should understand.”
“Now that you have a baby, you need to deprioritize your career. Try for a part-time job.”
The list of the comments I get for being a mother goes on and on…
So, I decided to write an open letter to all, answering all the popular statements above. It may be harsh, it may sound like a vent, but it’s the truth, so take it with a pinch of salt. Yes, the baby wants me because I am the mother but I need some time for myself too. Yes, the baby is more comfortable with me, but if the father tries, she will eventually learn to be as comfortable with him and therefore he needs to initiate the process!
Men can be as emotionally equipped to take care of anyone they love… Look at their dedication and love towards their mothers. Lol!
Where is the rule book that says that changing diapers is a mother’s job?
So you are scared to hold her, guess what, I am too, I have never ever seen such a small baby, forget holding one. But do I have a choice… no? What you can do is at least try.
Again, I didn’t go through a course on how to cut babies’ nails or how to bathe her. I learned it while doing it, because somebody had to, and you were not interested.
Yes, you are on your call, I can see that. But have you seen me on calls with our daughter running around singing Humpty Dumpty, while I repeatedly apologized to my team for the background nuisance?
He plays with her for an hour! That’s cute, but that’s easy. Try doing things that are difficult like feeding her (healthy food, not snacks), putting her to sleep, getting up at night to console her, changing her clothes.
Yes, I have become paranoid after having my baby because I have to worry if she is sleeping on time or not, or if she is cranky, or if her nails are too big, or if she isn’t eating anything. I have to run around with my laptop so that my daughter doesn’t press the shutdown button while I am working on an important presentation.
I feel the guilt for not being able to spend enough time with her. I feel the guilt of not being my best at work. Because I don’t have time to talk to any of my friends or to paint. Because I spent my first 3 months with severe back pain and barely 2 hrs of sleep daily. Because I can never go back to being an individual who can prioritize herself. Because I still have back pains and because I can’t have a sip of wine as I am feeding. Because I can’t exercise as my daughter doesn’t let me and because none of my clothes fit me anymore. So yes, I am paranoid!
Firstly, breastfeeding has a lot of benefits and I decided to continue for our baby’s sake, I don’t get anything out of it. And yes, I have been trying to wean her, but it isn’t that easy and no I don’t want to resort to harsh methods. Secondly, she clings to me because I understand her expressions, her discomfort, her babblings, I pay attention to her. Try it and maybe it will help me in weaning her.
I want him to help because he is the father. Period.
His work schedule is tight, guess what, mine is too. Yet I try to balance it out. And that’s what I expect, not to deprioritize his work, but to find a balance. This one is a classic but still, no, I am not going to set a wrong example for my daughter by deprioritizing my goals and my career. I didn’t study this hard to do a part-time job.
Parenthood is a new experience for everyone, mothers and fathers alike, so do not bring gender inequality in it. Just because something was done in a particular way in the past, doesn’t mean it was correct or should be continued. We need to change and evolve. And giving mothers a break from all these misogynist statements would be a start.
Trust me when I say, all mothers are trying their best, doing their best so instead of putting them down, uplift them, help them. Instead of telling them to do something, DO it. Instead of pampering and spoiling the kids, teach them good habits. Instead of making mothers feel bad about one thing they missed, praise them for the 100 things they took care of. And they missed that one thing because they were tired. Mentally, emotionally and physically.
Sincerely,
A Mother.
(Do add if you have come across any such silly statements and what was your answer to them.)
Image source: Unsplash/FatCamera
Experimenting with experiences is the mantra of my life. Writing is a passion that helps me channel my emotions and recreate memories, publish points of view and create stories. A self-proclaimed creative soul, I read more...
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Neena was the sole caregiver of Amma and though one would think that Amma was dependent on her, Neena felt otherwise.
Neena inhaled the aroma that emanated from the pan and took a deep breath. The aroma of cumin interspersed with butter transported her back to the modest kitchen in her native village. She could picture her father standing in the kitchen wearing his white crisp kurta as he made delectable concoctions for his only daughter.
Neena grew up in a home where both her parents worked together in tandem to keep the house up and running. She had a blissful childhood in her modest two-room house. The house was small but every nook and cranny gave her memories of a lifetime. Neena’s young heart imagined that her life would follow the same cheerful course. But how wrong she was!
When she was sixteen, the catastrophic clutches of destiny snatched away her parents. They passed away in a road accident and Neena was devastated. Relatives thronged her now gloomy house and soon it was decided that she should be married off.
Women today don’t want to be in a partnership that complicates their lives further. They need an equal partner with whom they can figure out life as a team, playing by each other’s strengths.
We all are familiar with that one annoying aunty who is more interested in our marital status than in the dessert counter at a wedding. But these aunties have somehow become obsolete now. Now they are replaced by men we have in our lives. Friends, family, and even work colleagues. It’s the men who are worried about why we are not saying yes to one among their clans. What is wrong with us? Aren’t we scared of dying alone? Like them?
A recent interaction with a guy friend of mine turned sour when he lectured me about how I would regret not getting married at the right time. He lectured that every event in our lives needs to be completed within a certain timeframe set by society else we are doomed. I wasn’t angry. I was just disappointed to realize that annoying aunties are rapidly doubling in our society. And they don’t just appear at weddings or family functions anymore. They are everywhere. They are the real pandemic.
Let’s examine this a little closer.
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