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An innocent childhood memory can rule our adult lives. My teacher made me feel like a failure at 12 & that incident's been been driving my life till date...
An innocent childhood memory can rule our adult lives. My teacher made me feel like a failure at 12 & that incident’s been been driving my life till date…
I’m 12 years old, in class 5th, I have been selected along with 20-25 other girls in my school to become a “Prefect” (a senior pupil who is authorized to implement discipline norms on younger students, sort of a Monitor).
It’s a matter of great pride, because only the so-called “good students” are selected, we will be given batches of Prefectship by our Principal in front of the entire school. Right now, we are in our probation period.
3rd period is going on & there is a call for all Prefects to attend a meeting.., I’m about to go for it, but my class teacher a petite woman, is talking to another teacher right in the doorway, from where I’m supposed to go. I’m so afraid of her, that I don’t want to disturb her. I decide to cross from behind, but while doing so, I mistakenly rub against her back.
She immediately turns around & shouts at me. “How dare you Nitika, can’t u say excuse me, ma’am?” I’m apologizing to her. She is asking me to get out.
A few days later in the Prefect meet, my class teacher is saying, “Nitika you are no more eligible to be a prefect, girl! You don’t have manners yourself, how will you monitor the junior classes. You are not worth it”.
I’m begging her for forgiveness, my face is covered with tears, my clothes wet with sweat, I‘m experiencing headache & stress in my shoulders & feeling completely ashamed of myself. She is not at all convinced with my apologies. Eventually, I’m asked to leave the meeting.
In that moment the 12-year-old Nitika decided that she’s not good enough, she’s a failure.
That decision, I realize some 20 years later at the age of 34 has been driving my life till date. Thankfully, I realized this in a programme that helped me introspect my life and way of being in a powerful way.
I worked hard all my school life, scoring top positions to keep proving that I’m good enough & I’m not a failure. All my school life I was under the stress to prove myself, which I did, but lived under complete pressure, surely living but lacking aliveness!!
All my life I have sought approval from others by living my life the way it is expected so that I’m validated from outside. That made me feel like I’m good enough & not a failure.
Whether it was my marriage (which didn’t last long), the jobs that I did, the invalidation of my passion for performing arts, my relationship with my extended family, everything was consistent with my identity that I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH & I’M A FAILURE.
The moment I became present to this, I realized that this was a decision of a 12-year-old, which was still driving me in my 30s. So, I decided to drop it & created a possibility of being someone who loves and understands herself and follows her heart.
Ever since then, I have been taking personal and professional decisions which are more consistent with what I enjoy doing and not just for the sake of pacifying that 12-year-old Nitika. The child who decided that she is not good enough and has to be this “good girl” constantly seeking approval at the cost of inner peace and happiness.
The feeling of unworthiness still comes up very strongly for me, but time and again I’m able to drop it and stand in my possibility of self-love and understanding.
Today I’m sharing this story not to change what happened, rather to change me and my relationship with that incident.
Image source: Love You Zindagi
Nitika, a history & heritage researcher, is one of the Co-founders of Darwesh (a heritage walks based organization) along with Yuveka Singh and Madhavi Menon. She can be reached at [email protected] read more...
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People say that women are the greatest enemies of women. I vehemently disagree. It is the patriarchal mindset that makes women believe in the wrong ideology.
The entire world celebrates International Women’s Day on March 8, 2024. It should be a joyful day, but unfortunately, not all women are entitled to this privilege, as violence against women is at its peak. The experience of oppression pushes many women to choose freedom. As far as patriotism is concerned, feminism is not a cup of tea in this society.
What happens when a woman decides to stand up for herself? Does this world easily accept the decisions of women in this society? What inspires them to be free of the clutches of the oppression that women have faced for ages? Most of the time, women do not get the chance to decide for themselves. Their lives are always at the mercy of someone, which can be their parents, siblings, husband, or children.
In some cases, women do not feel the need to make any decisions. They are taught to obey the patriarchal system, which makes them believe that they are right. In my family, I was never taught to make decisions on my own. It was always my parents who bought dresses and all that I needed.
14 years after her last feature film Dhobi Ghat, storyteller extraordinaire comes up with her new film, Laapataa Ladies, a must watch.
*Some spoilers alert*
Every religion around the world dictates terms to women. The onus is always on women to be ‘modest’ and cover their faces and bodies so men can’t be “tempted”, rather than on men to keep their eyes where they belong and behave like civilized beings. So much so that even rape has been excused on the grounds of women eating chowmein or ‘men will be men’. I think the best Hindi movie retort to this unwanted advice on ‘akeli ladki khuli tijori ki tarah hoti hai’ (an alone woman is like an open jewellery box) came from Geet in Jab We Met – Kya aap gyan dene ke paise lete hain kyonki chillar nahin hain mere paas.
The premise of Laapataa Ladies is beautifully simple – two brides clad in the ghunghat that covers their identity get mixed up on a train. Within this Russian Doll, you get a comedy of errors, a story of getting lost, a commentary on patriarchy’s attitude towards women, a mystery, and a tale of finding oneself, all in one. Done with a mostly light touch that has you laughing and nodding along.
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