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Why do parents prefer to keep their daughter in an abusive marriage because "what will people say," instead of supporting her to get out?
Why do parents prefer to keep their daughter in an abusive marriage because “what will people say,” instead of supporting her to get out?
Trigger Warning: This speaks of suicide and may be triggering for survivors.
Do you know what ostriches do when they are under attack? This majestic bird that can run really fast chooses to stick its head in the sand in the hope that the danger will go away. Recently I have started feeling that Indian parents probably took tuition from ostriches when it comes to dealing with their daughters and their unhappy marriages.
Meena* came from the Marwadi community and had been married for 10+ years; her mother in law was abusive and her husband non supportive. She has two kids and had committed her life to moulding herself according to her in laws’ dictums.
She recently died by suicide and both her mother in law and husband have gone into save their own skin mode.
Her parents, brother and other relatives had come in here one day to ask about what had happened, and have now taken it upon themselves to ensure that the mother in law and husband pay for years of systemic abuse. They say that they didn’t know anything, and are relying on what the neighbours and other friends tell them about what her situation was.
I find it very difficult to digest – really, in the last 10 years, they didn’t know? Or did they choose not to know?! Because if they pretended to not know and live in denial, then yes everything was hunky dory, there would be no ‘dreaded’ divorce happening.
Another friend who has separated from her husband and has been very unhappy in her marriage, is stuck convincing her parents that she needs a divorce. The parents have tried every manipulative trick in their book to ensure that the divorce doesn’t happen. They sound like a broken record when every time they say that if she divorces, they “will not be around anymore.” They believe that all she has to do is adjust. “Why can’t she adjust?” is all they have say!
Even after 7 years of marriage and trying ‘to adjust’ and numerous counselling sessions that their daughter and her husband have gone to as a couple, the parents and other relatives believe that this is an ‘impulsive’ decision. They choose to ignore the anguish she has shared over the years, they refuse to see the pain she has been in over the years, all in the effort to not have the dreaded D word happen!
Is it that only after you have cornered a woman, isolated her, made her contort and ‘adjust’ in numerous ways, and then God forbid something happens to her, that you will come to seek revenge? Where were you all these years? Why didn’t you listen? Why do you put marriage on such a pedestal that the woman ends up having to hold it up like Hercules? If you want to stick your head in the sand please go ahead, but don’t clip your daughter’s wings while you do that!
*Name changed
Image source: a still from the film Heaven on Earth
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People say that women are the greatest enemies of women. I vehemently disagree. It is the patriarchal mindset that makes women believe in the wrong ideology.
The entire world celebrates International Women’s Day on March 8, 2024. It should be a joyful day, but unfortunately, not all women are entitled to this privilege, as violence against women is at its peak. The experience of oppression pushes many women to choose freedom. As far as patriotism is concerned, feminism is not a cup of tea in this society.
What happens when a woman decides to stand up for herself? Does this world easily accept the decisions of women in this society? What inspires them to be free of the clutches of the oppression that women have faced for ages? Most of the time, women do not get the chance to decide for themselves. Their lives are always at the mercy of someone, which can be their parents, siblings, husband, or children.
In some cases, women do not feel the need to make any decisions. They are taught to obey the patriarchal system, which makes them believe that they are right. In my family, I was never taught to make decisions on my own. It was always my parents who bought dresses and all that I needed.
It is shameful that in today's world too, women are abused and even killed for giving birth to a girl, and the infant's life is also of no value.
Trigger Warning: This deals with domestic violence, suicide, and violence against women, and may be triggering to survivors.
I am so glad that the esteemed courts are now giving the much-required verdicts regarding certain ideologies that were not at all entertained earlier. I mean we all have studied this much biology at our school level and it is our duty (our generation) to educate our elders about it.
Why someone have to lose a life to bring such awareness to the society. Delhi High Court gave this judgement concerning a case that filed by the deceased daughter’s parents against her in-laws. She committed suicide as she was harassed and tortured for dowry and giving birth to two daughters.
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