Why do parents prefer to keep their daughter in an abusive marriage because "what will people say," instead of supporting her to get out?
Why do parents prefer to keep their daughter in an abusive marriage because “what will people say,” instead of supporting her to get out?
Trigger Warning: This speaks of suicide and may be triggering for survivors.
Do you know what ostriches do when they are under attack? This majestic bird that can run really fast chooses to stick its head in the sand in the hope that the danger will go away. Recently I have started feeling that Indian parents probably took tuition from ostriches when it comes to dealing with their daughters and their unhappy marriages.
Meena* came from the Marwadi community and had been married for 10+ years; her mother in law was abusive and her husband non supportive. She has two kids and had committed her life to moulding herself according to her in laws’ dictums.
She recently died by suicide and both her mother in law and husband have gone into save their own skin mode.
Her parents, brother and other relatives had come in here one day to ask about what had happened, and have now taken it upon themselves to ensure that the mother in law and husband pay for years of systemic abuse. They say that they didn’t know anything, and are relying on what the neighbours and other friends tell them about what her situation was.
I find it very difficult to digest – really, in the last 10 years, they didn’t know? Or did they choose not to know?! Because if they pretended to not know and live in denial, then yes everything was hunky dory, there would be no ‘dreaded’ divorce happening.
Another friend who has separated from her husband and has been very unhappy in her marriage, is stuck convincing her parents that she needs a divorce. The parents have tried every manipulative trick in their book to ensure that the divorce doesn’t happen. They sound like a broken record when every time they say that if she divorces, they “will not be around anymore.” They believe that all she has to do is adjust. “Why can’t she adjust?” is all they have say!
Even after 7 years of marriage and trying ‘to adjust’ and numerous counselling sessions that their daughter and her husband have gone to as a couple, the parents and other relatives believe that this is an ‘impulsive’ decision. They choose to ignore the anguish she has shared over the years, they refuse to see the pain she has been in over the years, all in the effort to not have the dreaded D word happen!
Is it that only after you have cornered a woman, isolated her, made her contort and ‘adjust’ in numerous ways, and then God forbid something happens to her, that you will come to seek revenge? Where were you all these years? Why didn’t you listen? Why do you put marriage on such a pedestal that the woman ends up having to hold it up like Hercules? If you want to stick your head in the sand please go ahead, but don’t clip your daughter’s wings while you do that!
*Name changed
Image source: a still from the film Heaven on Earth
A traveler at heart and a writer by chance a vital part of a vibrant team called Women's Web. I Head Marketing at Women's Web.in and am always evolving new ways in read more...
Women's Web is an open platform that publishes a diversity of views, indivisual posts do not necessarily represent the platofrom's views and opinions at all times.
Stay updated with our Weekly Newsletter or Daily Summary - or both!
Hiding family issues to patriarchy, 'House of Secrets: The Burari Deaths' throws a light on several problematic aspects within the typical Indian family.
The spine-chilling Burari deaths that happened in 2018 were brought to light again with the Netflix series ‘House of Secrets: The Burari Deaths’. The eleven member Chundawat family were like any other middle class family who had been living in the neighborhood for the last twenty years. They also had a grocery and plywood shop in the same vicinity.
Rajeev Tomar the policeman who entered the Burari house after the incident, stated that he had never seen a scene like this in his entire career and the visuals still haunt him. He was in shock to see the entire family hanging with their hands tied and their eyes covered. The documentary mentions that there were 11 diaries that were found with various other notes that further deepened the mystery surrounding the deaths.
Jivuben, who became a mother at 70, travelled 150 kms twice a month for IVF procedures. It's a miracle, but there are Qs like who will raise the child as he grows?
After struggling to conceive for almost 45 years, Jivuben Rabari became a mother at 70! She welcomed her child through C-section in the eight month of pregnancy.
Jivunben who is reportedly 70 years old and her husband who is 75 hail from Kutch in the state of Gujarat. They had been struggling to have their own baby since four decades and were unsuccessful. They finally were able to have their child through IVF (In vitro fertilization).
Most Indian parents don't raise their voice, or don't teach their daughters to raise a voice against abuse. That's where the men and their parents get the guts to run amok.
Most Indian parents don’t raise their voice, or don’t teach their daughters to raise a voice against abuse. That’s where the men and their parents get the guts to run amok.
Radha always came to her parents’ place feeling humiliated and sad. In her 3 years of married life, there wasn’t a single day when she wasn’t belittled and humiliated by her husband and in-laws. Her husband had subjected her to domestic violence too.
Yes, daughters should support parents. But daughters are human too. How will they do this if their husbands and in laws make life difficult for her?
“You cannot shirk your responsibilities, Beta! It has been two weeks since you visited us. We would not bother otherwise. But, you know you being a doctor understand these things better and we want you to come along for your mum’s check up.”