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There is so much happening outside and inside us, that insomnia is now a relentless constant, especially for women who feel too deeply.
Because it is too hot Or it is too cold
Because, hormones.
Because there is something on the roof, That scratch scratch scratches all night long.
Because I keep getting up to drink water And then I keep getting up to pee.
Because I slept too much when I was younger.
Because I saw a cockroach once on my pillow, And now I believe that it is always around Waiting to crawl in my ear and feast on my brain.
Because I scroll, scroll, scroll, watching lives happen At a distance of one day forward from where I am.
Because I’m haunted by worry, or sorrow, or anger.
Because the nights are too short, To contain everything I feel.
Because I am so exhausted by the weight on my heart, I don’t even have the energy to unload it.
Because when I do go to sleep, I have nightmares of being abandoned.
Because as much as I would like it to The world doesn’t just stop.
Because when I wake up, it will still all be here, And any respite I get in sleep, will have been a lie anyway.
Because I am immune now to hot baths, turmeric milk, guided meditation, And yes, I could keep my phone aside, But then I’d have to deal with the inside of my mind.
Because I am kept awake, By all these half truths, Swimming in my eyes.
Image source: a still from the film Thappad.
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Neena was the sole caregiver of Amma and though one would think that Amma was dependent on her, Neena felt otherwise.
Neena inhaled the aroma that emanated from the pan and took a deep breath. The aroma of cumin interspersed with butter transported her back to the modest kitchen in her native village. She could picture her father standing in the kitchen wearing his white crisp kurta as he made delectable concoctions for his only daughter.
Neena grew up in a home where both her parents worked together in tandem to keep the house up and running. She had a blissful childhood in her modest two-room house. The house was small but every nook and cranny gave her memories of a lifetime. Neena’s young heart imagined that her life would follow the same cheerful course. But how wrong she was!
When she was sixteen, the catastrophic clutches of destiny snatched away her parents. They passed away in a road accident and Neena was devastated. Relatives thronged her now gloomy house and soon it was decided that she should be married off.
Women today don’t want to be in a partnership that complicates their lives further. They need an equal partner with whom they can figure out life as a team, playing by each other’s strengths.
We all are familiar with that one annoying aunty who is more interested in our marital status than in the dessert counter at a wedding. But these aunties have somehow become obsolete now. Now they are replaced by men we have in our lives. Friends, family, and even work colleagues. It’s the men who are worried about why we are not saying yes to one among their clans. What is wrong with us? Aren’t we scared of dying alone? Like them?
A recent interaction with a guy friend of mine turned sour when he lectured me about how I would regret not getting married at the right time. He lectured that every event in our lives needs to be completed within a certain timeframe set by society else we are doomed. I wasn’t angry. I was just disappointed to realize that annoying aunties are rapidly doubling in our society. And they don’t just appear at weddings or family functions anymore. They are everywhere. They are the real pandemic.
Let’s examine this a little closer.
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