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Why is it considered 'entirely normal' for the new daughter-in-law of a home to be loaded with all the chores?
Why is it considered ‘entirely normal’ for the new daughter-in-law of a home to be loaded with all the chores?
It is 12:41 a.m. and I am awake, writing. I got married a few weeks ago, with great pomp and show. I was loaded with expensive jewellery and clothes. I looked like the most beautiful bride in the world that day. My father placed my hand in my husband’s and my mother bid me farewell with teary eyes.
I received a nice welcome at my in-laws’ house too. The family consists of seven members, including my husband and his two older sisters (who are my nanad/sisters-in-law), my brother-in-law (or dewar), and my father and mother-in-law. A day passed, then another and another, each with a new sunset, new people, a new way of living, and a new home.
After a few days, I started my office work, from home of course. I work as a full time employee for a firm, and, it seems, for this home too.
Let me give you a peek into my daily schedule.
My day starts at 6:30 a.m in the morning. I get up and greet my mother-in-law by touching her feet. Then I freshen up and take a broom and clean my room. Then, I wash the utensils, make tea for my father-in-law. Later, I take a bath as my mother-in-law has instructed me not to cook for the elders without bathing. I rush back to the kitchen to help my mother-in-law in preparing breakfast. Once the breakfast is ready and I’ve served it, I eat. The moment I finish breakfast, I clean up the kitchen. By 10 a.m. I’m back in my room and start doing my office work. I work till noon because I have to prepare lunch as well.
I spend the next two hours in the kitchen, cooking lunch and washing utensils. After doing all these chores and having lunch myself, I get back to work at 2:30 p.m. I work for the next two hours and then get up to prepare tea for the family. Once again I clean up and sit back down to work till 6:30 p.m. The evening puja is followed by cleaning some utensils of the temple. As I pray, I ask God for more strength to bear with everything, with a smile on my face.
As soon as I am done with my prayers, I get back into the kitchen to prepare dinner. I serve the dinner and then pick up everyone’s plates to put them in a sink to wash them. After cleaning up, I boil the milk to give it to everyone before they sleep. I get back to work at 10:30 p.m. I try finishing it but eventually, I cannot help but fall asleep.
I try to increase my capacity as much as I can, though not a month has gone by since I first came here. I arrived with the hopes of being treated like a queen. But now, I feel like an educated woman who is a maid. I try to escape my days here by wishing for them to pass soon, as my papa had promised to come in January to take me home.
I had so many dreams for my Sasural, all of which have become nightmares. I don’t know if I would ever want to come back here after leaving. My sister-in-law tells me that this is normal for bahus (daughters-in-law) in our part of the world to work so much. And please don’t consider the family to be poor, as the members are well-earning, as a middle class family. This is so normal for all of them that they don’t even recognise my pain.
The last one month here has changed me completely – the happy and cheerful girl in me has turned into a sad woman who fakes her smiles and pushes herself to live each day of her life here. And then this society says, Daughters-in-law are Daughters too!
I don’t know if what I write will have its space and get published. But I wanted to share my pain with the world and so, I did.
Top image is a still from the Hindi serial Ghum Hai Kisikey Pyaar Mein
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Neena was the sole caregiver of Amma and though one would think that Amma was dependent on her, Neena felt otherwise.
Neena inhaled the aroma that emanated from the pan and took a deep breath. The aroma of cumin interspersed with butter transported her back to the modest kitchen in her native village. She could picture her father standing in the kitchen wearing his white crisp kurta as he made delectable concoctions for his only daughter.
Neena grew up in a home where both her parents worked together in tandem to keep the house up and running. She had a blissful childhood in her modest two-room house. The house was small but every nook and cranny gave her memories of a lifetime. Neena’s young heart imagined that her life would follow the same cheerful course. But how wrong she was!
When she was sixteen, the catastrophic clutches of destiny snatched away her parents. They passed away in a road accident and Neena was devastated. Relatives thronged her now gloomy house and soon it was decided that she should be married off.
Women today don’t want to be in a partnership that complicates their lives further. They need an equal partner with whom they can figure out life as a team, playing by each other’s strengths.
We all are familiar with that one annoying aunty who is more interested in our marital status than in the dessert counter at a wedding. But these aunties have somehow become obsolete now. Now they are replaced by men we have in our lives. Friends, family, and even work colleagues. It’s the men who are worried about why we are not saying yes to one among their clans. What is wrong with us? Aren’t we scared of dying alone? Like them?
A recent interaction with a guy friend of mine turned sour when he lectured me about how I would regret not getting married at the right time. He lectured that every event in our lives needs to be completed within a certain timeframe set by society else we are doomed. I wasn’t angry. I was just disappointed to realize that annoying aunties are rapidly doubling in our society. And they don’t just appear at weddings or family functions anymore. They are everywhere. They are the real pandemic.
Let’s examine this a little closer.
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