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I cried in front of him and begged him for so long. I was disheartened to see that the person I loved so much and for whom I did so much, was not even bothered about my feelings.
I love you but I can’t marry you!
Have you heard this line before? That’s the common excuse given by f**k boys to keep enjoying sex with the girls they like until they get married to the one chosen by their parents.
I had been in a relationship with one such guy, and let me tell you honestly, that was the biggest mistake of my life.
He was my first love, and for him, I was the girl to fulfill all his sexual fantasies before his marriage.
We were in the same math tuition (in 12th standard), and that’s where we met for the first time. For one year we used to see each other only at the tuition. I was bad at math, and he was the master of it. At times he used to help me in solving math problems. Sometimes we saw each other outside the tuition, on the way. These were the only meetings we used to have for one year.
Our only conversation was regarding studies. But, I used to like (or admire) him for his intelligence and pleasant manners. He was the only guy in our tuition with whom I used to talk. Although I studied in a co-ed school, I would never talk to any boy; I was too shy at the time.
After one year, we left tuition. We didn’t see each other for many months, and I even forgot about him completely.
Then one day, we met somewhere in Delhi by coincidence. I noticed him, but ignored him at first. As soon as he saw me, he waved Hi, and came to me. We had a short conversation and exchanged our numbers.
That was the day I regret most. I wish we had never met.
The very next day, he called me up, and asked me to meet him. We met several times after that, but only as friends. I was not courageous enough to express my innocent feelings to him.
Soon, he got admission to some IT College in Punjab, and he left for his B. Tech. I, on the other hand, continued my education in Delhi.
Soon after reaching Punjab, within a few days, he expressed his feelings. The way he said it was something that no girl expects in their first love affair.
He said, “I really admire you, I love you, but we can never get married because we both are from a different caste.”
When I heard those words from his mouth, I was both happy and confused.
Happy – because I heard those words for the first time and that too from the guy whom I loved. Confused – because of that marriage and caste thing.
Although I had feelings for him, I hadn’t thought about marriage at that point because I was only 18 (and he was 19) then. Being brought up in an open-minded family, I hadn’t ever thought about the caste thing too.
He guessed my confusion, and before I could express myself, another sentence came out of his mouth that changed my whole world for the next 6 years.
He said, “I know what is in your mind. Every person wishes to marry the person they love, and I broke your heart with what I said. I am not saying I am 100% sure that we can’t get married. I will talk to my parents when I will be financially capable and will try to convince them. However, if they disagree, I can’t go against their wish.
Ugh! So much drama and emotional torture at the same time.
I was unable to process anything at that time. I thought, let it be. Who knows if we could make it till then? Maybe our relationship will not survive for so long or maybe he will fall deeply in love with me and will marry me anyhow. It was too much a thought for me at that time.
And I decided to focus on “I love you” instead.
We, like any other couples who fall in love for the first time, were so much involved in each other. We used to talk for hours and hours, all day and night. I fell in love with him even more. When he used to come to Delhi, we used to meet almost every single day of his stay.
It was like a dream for me, but soon I was stung by reality.
Only a month after being in the relationship, he started talking about his sexual desires.
I was in love with him, but sex was the last thing I wanted to have, at least during that period. For me, it was too early, and he was still not 100% committed. For me, I liked being with him and talking to him, and not for any sexual purpose. I ignored it or changed that topic many times, but he started talking about it even more.
He started pushing me for it by saying “I love you, but I don’t think you also love me the same way.” He pestered me for many days. We even fought over it many times, and one day when he came to Delhi, I said yes, partly in anger and partly to prove my love for him.
How stupid I was!
I could have finished that relationship then and there. I could have found a real man with real love. But, that was my destiny, I guess. We had sex for the first time. It was so painful for me but pleasurable for him. When he finished, his words startled me.
He literally asked me, “Swear on me, were you virgin till today?”
I was so angry but still asked him what made him think like that. He said he asked because I didn’t bleed after the first intercourse.
Boys and their misconceptions about our world!
It hurt me very much, but I forgave him for his naive question.
After that day, for the next 6 six years (until he got married), we had sex countless times.
Many times, without even me asking about it, he repeated many times that he can’t marry me. During those 6 years, I broke up with him many times because I was fed up with the lack of commitment from his side. Many times he belittled me by commenting on the way I carry myself, my height (although he was himself only a few inches taller than me), my independent nature, even about my parents that they have given me (a girl) so much freedom, and about so many things.
He pushed me so much to clear IIM entrance because if I completed MBA from IIM, he could take me to his home to meet his parents and ask for marriage. And I was stupid enough to try it (without my interest) for one year. When I didn’t clear the exam, he got another excuse not to marry me.
In those 6 years, I invested myself completely in this relationship to make it better.
I never let him pay any bills, I took him to my home many times and introduced him to my family (they never approved of him though), I always gave him gifts on every single occasion without expecting anything from him. I even distanced myself from all my friends so that I could give all my time and attention to him only – the only thing I regret the most.
I did all these things for him (although he never did any of these for me), and much more, but for nothing! I never realized that he was using me and that I was just a time pass for him.
One day, he called me to meet. I still remember it was Friendship Day because I bought a friendship band for him before going to meet him (like I used to do every year).
I was excited to meet him, but I didn’t know the reason why he called me. When we met, I got a shock of my life.
He said he wanted to break up with me.
I asked why, but he didn’t give any apparent reason. He just said that as you know, we can never get married because of our caste, because of my carefree nature, and because I couldn’t clear IIM’s entrance.
I cried in front of him and begged him for so long. I was disheartened to see that the person I loved so much and for whom I did so much, was not even bothered about my feelings. There was not even a single tear in his eyes.
I couldn’t believe what he said. In the end, he left, leaving me there all by myself. I sat on a bench at the bus stop nearby, covered my face with my hands, and cried for a long time. When all my tears dried up, I took a bus to my home.
I thought he wouldn’t be able to live without me and will call me again, but that never happened.
After almost 6 months, I heard about him from someone, and I was in disbelief. He got engaged to a girl of his parents’ choice (same caste, you know). This matchmaking thing was happening under my nose when we were together, and I hadn’t had any idea about it.
I felt cheated and betrayed.
So many questions were in my mind, that remained unanswered till now.
How could someone do this? How could someone be so heartless and cruel? Why did he always beg me to come back when I used to break up with him to move on in my life? Why the hell did he try to ‘change’ me if we were never meant to be together? What happened to his promise to talk to his parent about us for at least once? Why couldn’t he tell me the truth to my face that I was not a loser, but he was a cheater?
It took me so long to come out of that heartbreak.
Gradually, I forgot him but never forgave him for what he did to me.
Today, when I think about it, I don’t regret whatever I did. I was young, innocent, and too stupid to understand all that. I gave my all to him without any expectations. I loved him truly. Whatever he did was his fault, not mine.
I am happy wherever I am today. In fact, I believe “whatever happens, it happens for good.”
After that breakup, I did what I wanted to do. I spent a lot of time with my friends, I travelled a lot, worked in a profession that I liked, and got married when I wanted (at 32), to whom I wanted, and the way I wanted.
If we had been together, my life would have been miserable.
So, all I want to say to him now is:
Dear Ex, thank you so much for leaving at the right time!
Image source: a still from the film Kya Kool Hai Hum 3
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