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Self-Pity, Suicidal, Despairing… But I Was Not Like My Mother, Was I?

Posted: November 24, 2020

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Depression. Sometimes it might be genetic and runs in families, and unavoidable. But can we help ourselves deal with it?

Trigger alert: This article contains description of depression, and may be triggering to survivors.

I had followed
her tortuous  journey
her grotesque morph
From a red giant
to a white dwarf
I had witnessed
her lost battle
her vandalised self
From fragile beauty
to maimed elf.

For a long time I was scared
I would find out
I was like my mother
A paltry clone
maybe nether.

The infernal call
arrived none too soon
in smothered whispers
Slowly growing
into clamorous raspers
First floating ,drifting..

I went suddenly hurtling
tearing into
The ominous black hole
limbs askew
Where no light penetrated ,no
heat emanated, only lingered
the stench of despair
the fetidness of failure
mephitic ruin everywhere.

Just like her mother
my father said,
self pity, low self esteem
Add self loathing, suicidal
I wanted to scream
I could only imagine
the faces staring down.

Concern, regret, shame
all shaking their heads
it was after all endgame.

I shrank nonplussed,
catatonic, remembering
a spunky cherubic teen ,
defiant, gutsy for
an aeon unseen.
A cataclysmic explosion.
I was rudely extruded
Blue or Giant star I was not
only a neutron star
which courageously fought.

True, I was like my mother
only braver, bolder
I could hold it together.

Author’s note: Depression is known to run in families suggesting genetic susceptibility. Environmental stresses and other life factors can further trigger a change in brain chemicals. It is advisable to seek help from a psychiatrist and counsellor if you feel you are genetically vulnerable.

If you or anyone you know is feeling depressed or suicidal, here are some of the helplines available in India. Please call. 
Aasra, Mumbai: 022-27546669
Sneha, Chennai: 044-2464 0050
Lifeline, Kolkata: 033-2474 4704
Sahai, Bangalore: 080–25497777
Roshni, Hyderabad: 040-66202000, 040-66202001

Image source: a still from the film The Lunchbox

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