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The Secret Thoughts Of A Broken Girl (Part 9)

Posted: September 1, 2020

Isn’t it okay to love people that you yourself said a goodbye to? Why do some relationships stay in the ‘almost’ zone?

Some nights are ordinary. They just lie around, without a word. Without a sound. You, like on most nights, sit at your laptop to do some work. You log on to YouTube to put some music on the background as you work. You put on some songs of Gulzar Saab, without doubting a thing. You have no idea that you are jumping into a whirlpool.

The first song that plays is Is Mod Se Jaate Hai. Lata Mangeshkar croons, “In Reshami Raaho Me Ik Raah To Vo Hogi/ Tum Tak Jo Pahuchati Hai Is Mod Se Jaati Hai.” You suddenly sit on the time machine and without your permission, you are younger and in your hostel terrace listening to Gulzar Saab.

You put on your earphones as the RJ talks about the legend. You look at the sky. You think of an infinite future. The thing about being that young is that everything looks so possible. You think of a day when your love will be by your side. You smile. You sleep with hope.

Suddenly, Tujhse Naraj Nahi Zindagi plays. That song feels like being startled by life at what it handed over to you. You are stuck between fighting back and accepting. You go back in time and ask the same questions. You miss the same people you let go of. You made wise choices. But you still miss them. Isn’t it okay to love people you yourself said a goodbye to?

Then comes the song, O Majhi Re, Apna Kinara, Nadiya Ki Dhaara Hai. You feel like you took a road to nowhere. You are sitting on a boat, no matter how and where you row, you see only the vast ocean. Sometimes life feels like a no man’s land. A piece of land that belongs to no one. You fiddle with your phone, and end up on his social media. You suddenly remember the bumpy rickshaw ride you took to meet them. The ride that hurt your back. Yet, you smiled. And now you see them only on social media. They are flying countries and crossing oceans. The same oceans you once dreamt of.

Then you hear Naam Gum Jayenga. In between Bhupinder sings, “Umr toh nahi ek raat ki.”  Some nights are like a melancholic lullaby. It crawls into your heart and open closed corners. Loneliness, regrets, nostalgia and a life that went by comes to you. All you can do is let them rustle by. Grief is a part of the whole human experience. You live through the dark night, for tomorrow is another day.

Some relationships are like that. In between what we desire and what we have.

Some songs are like bookmarks; you can go back to them and smile. And mourn a little. Not all memories hurt. Some leave a taste in your mouth that’s neither sweet nor bitter. These are the “almost relationships.” The ones in which you were something more than friends, yet never lovers. There for each other, without crossing the line. Yet the line seems to blur.

It’s someone whom you meet one fine day. He might love someone else, who might not care back. You talk. You share. You smile. You share your wounds. And childhood stories. In your heart you keep wondering what it would be like to be together. But there are lines you cannot cross. He/She is the first one you reach out to for anything. And one day, they have to leave or make choices. Or you do.

Then Arijit Singh sings, Phir Le Aaya Dil Majboor Kya Kijiye, his voice falls like pearls on a sheet of velvet.  This song hangs between what could have been in a parallel Universe. And when he sings, Woh Jo Adhuri Si Baat Baaki Hai, you think of a conversation that was never finished, no matter how long you spoke.

These almost relationships don’t hurt much. Because you never had a relationship to begin with. You never kissed or held hands. Or knew the curve of each others’ bodies. Everything hung in a maybe. Someday, even after years, maybe while doing your dishes, you hear Arijit Singh. And that almost relationship comes and you wonder what it would have been, if you had both crossed the line. You wonder. You smile. You put the clean dishes back on the rack and go for something else.

Some relationships are like that. In between what we desire and what we have. And maybe that’s where they were meant to be-in between.

Is Mod Se Jaate Hai- Film : Aandhi

Tujhse Naraj Nahi ZindagiFilm: Masoom

O Majhi Re, Apna Kinara, Nadiya Ki Dhaara Hai- Film: Khushbu

Naam Gum Jayenga- Film: Kinara

Phir Le Aaya Dil Majboor Kya Kijiye- Fiml: Barfi

More in Paromita’s Secret Thoughts of a Broken Girl series:

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

Images via: Unsplash.Com

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Proud Indian. Senior Writer at Women's Web. Columnist. Book Reviewer. Street Theatre - Aatish. Dreamer.

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