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All I was doing within 15 days of this most important event of my life was crying…as a new mom, I was just terrified and no one knew what was happening.
My first conscious brush with the mind and its powers began somewhere in 2005 when I attended the NLP Basic workshop in Mumbai. This knowledge about the mind and its powers lay dormant till 2009 when I met my trainer for my Level 1 Hypnotherapy workshop and since then, the mind and its penchant for drama has intrigued me.
Trigger Warning: This post contains some descriptions of suicidal thoughts which could be triggering for survivors.
As I think deeper, the first jolt that my mind gave me – asserting its powerful presence was when I suffered from Post Partum Depression. Strangely, at that time, I never knew it had a name or that it was even something known.
I just had a beautiful baby and all I was doing within 15 days of this most important event of my life was crying…tears flowing continuously, I was scared of the baby, scared of what I would do if she cried, I was just terrified and no one knew what was happening.
The most prominent thoughts in my mind were – should I just run away? or should I just end my life? But somehow, the thoughts of what would happen to my baby and my husband if I went away from their lives forced me to abandon those ideas.
That was also the time when we were suddenly forced into a financial crisis for reasons beyond our control. I had taken my baby to the paediatrician and while talking to him, I burst out crying. He spoke to me and asked if it happened frequently and suggested I see a Psychiatrist for this. This suggestion came as a big shock to me – a Psychiatrist? Am I going crazy? My notion then was that you see a psychiatrist only if you go mad, completely oblivious to what my actual problem was. I was already scared and this seemed like the nail in my coffin.
My next stop that day was my Gynaecologist – an expert but a very strict personality. His wife was the anaesthesiologist – a warm and pleasing personality. One glance at me and he asked, “What’s wrong?”. I answered him with my then regular mode of communication – tears.
They both waited for me to complete crying and then asked my mother who had accompanied me to wait outside with the baby. She did mention to them before going, “I don’t understand what’s wrong but she keeps crying like a crazy person.”
My doctors told me very patiently that I was not the first person to feel overwhelmed at this huge change in my life. They shared that one patient came with the baby insisting that they take back the baby and I was still handling it better. I talked for almost an hour and still don’t remember what I spoke about.
By the end of the conversation, I was feeling better and hopeful, if not very positive. My mother was given a clear set of instructions – though my baby was just 15 days old, I was healthy enough to go for a walk / eat whatever I want and no one was to dictate any terms to me about ‘customs’ during the first 40 days of delivery. The doctors certified that since I had a c-section and had no pains, I was even fit to do household work or if possible do some errands. I was prescribed some medicines and told to take it easy but not be lazy and the next time I visited, I was supposed to get my husband.
Back home a little better, I took the medicines just after dinner – and I fell asleep at the table – thanks to forgetting the medicine instructions given to me. I was knocked out until the next morning and had no idea how my mom and husband managed taking care of the baby. The first realisation I had after getting up was that I felt very fresh. Then, I remembered falling asleep at the dinner table.
I realised, I could not afford to do this everyday. I had the responsibility of my baby, my home and my self. “I can’t break down without any actual reason” – giving myself this pep talk, I looked at my baby and for the first time, felt happy and smiled at her.
This, I could say, was the beginning of getting better and more in control of my feelings. The next visit to the doctor reinforced the belief that it is ok to be clueless and scared sometimes, it is not the end of the world or the end of yourself. My husband was interviewed by the doctor and he was told to put me back in the circumstances that were familiar to me before my delivery. Which meant, going back to just the two of us with an addition of the baby at home.
I was not made aware of anything and I strangely found it peaceful to be by myself alone at home, throughout the day with my little one. We both would wait for the evening when the man of the house would come back home and take the little one for a long walk so that I could relax or cook or just be. Things were back to normal with an extra dose of happiness in the form of the child whom we adored.
It was months later, when I read in the newspaper about some suicides due to post partum depression that I realised what a grave issue it was and how, I was lucky to have the strong support of the doctors and family members who helped me recover.
I think the same goes for any other kind of depression. The fear is very strong and real, and the challenge is loving yourself much more than the power of fear. Not letting the fear overpower your zest for life, remembering that there are many things to be grateful for and there are many things yet to achieve before the end of this life.
Today there is much more awareness on the issues of mental health and it has gained the rightful importance it deserves. But still…there are miles to go yet…and I intend to play a significant role in spreading the awareness and also helping people empower themselves.
First published here.
Image credits Creative Images, via Canva Pro
I am a Clinical Hypnotherapist, Tarot Reader, Numerologist, Healer (Multiple Modalities) and Trainer read more...
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Neena was the sole caregiver of Amma and though one would think that Amma was dependent on her, Neena felt otherwise.
Neena inhaled the aroma that emanated from the pan and took a deep breath. The aroma of cumin interspersed with butter transported her back to the modest kitchen in her native village. She could picture her father standing in the kitchen wearing his white crisp kurta as he made delectable concoctions for his only daughter.
Neena grew up in a home where both her parents worked together in tandem to keep the house up and running. She had a blissful childhood in her modest two-room house. The house was small but every nook and cranny gave her memories of a lifetime. Neena’s young heart imagined that her life would follow the same cheerful course. But how wrong she was!
When she was sixteen, the catastrophic clutches of destiny snatched away her parents. They passed away in a road accident and Neena was devastated. Relatives thronged her now gloomy house and soon it was decided that she should be married off.
Women today don’t want to be in a partnership that complicates their lives further. They need an equal partner with whom they can figure out life as a team, playing by each other’s strengths.
We all are familiar with that one annoying aunty who is more interested in our marital status than in the dessert counter at a wedding. But these aunties have somehow become obsolete now. Now they are replaced by men we have in our lives. Friends, family, and even work colleagues. It’s the men who are worried about why we are not saying yes to one among their clans. What is wrong with us? Aren’t we scared of dying alone? Like them?
A recent interaction with a guy friend of mine turned sour when he lectured me about how I would regret not getting married at the right time. He lectured that every event in our lives needs to be completed within a certain timeframe set by society else we are doomed. I wasn’t angry. I was just disappointed to realize that annoying aunties are rapidly doubling in our society. And they don’t just appear at weddings or family functions anymore. They are everywhere. They are the real pandemic.
Let’s examine this a little closer.
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