It Took My Four Years But I Have Finally Accepted That Your Death Affects Me More Than I Know…

I was also angry with you – for disturbing things, for not taking adequate care of yourself, for killing all the dreams we dreamt together. 

When you were there, we could never get along well together. We were a husband and wife, tied into a marriage arranged by our parents. But we were poles apart in absolutely everything.

You were a hardcore, Indian, mama’s boy while I was an independent, reckless, outspoken woman. I didn’t like family bonds but they were your lifeline. While I liked eating out and meeting friends, you liked to spend your weekends at home, eating home-cooked food and watching TV.

I liked watching movies on the opening Friday while you waited for peer reviews before buying the tickets. Where you hated going to office, I loved to work. While, you wanted to settle in a small town close to your family, I wanted to live in a big city away from family.

The list is endless.

But then, you left…

When we returned to India, after your short project in London, things took an unexpected turn for the worst. That’s when you left your daughter and I forever for your heavenly abode. And that left me devastated. However, I started building my life back, brick by brick.

I chose to stay alone, away from relative and family – both your and mine. Both the families are busy with their own routines. I used to get the feeling that no-one’s life changed even one bit with you gone. Except mine and our daughter’s

I was also angry with you – for disturbing things, for not taking adequate care of yourself, for killing all the dreams we dreamt together. Whenever someone mentioned you casually, in any conversation, I snubbed them and I shut them off because I didn’t want their pity. I continued to stay in denial.

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In retrospect, at some point in time, I started feeling I was deriving strength in that anger towards you but I was so wrong! I was in denial. And I read somewhere that holding grudges was no good, especially when the person against whom you’re holding the grudge, departs, never to return.

A lot has changed but I still miss you

Today, it’s been four years since you life. A lot has changed since then. I have changed. Today, I work at a multinational, our daughter goes to a good school. I take my own decisions for absolutely anything. Things are decent now.

I tried moving on. But I couldn’t. Not because I didn’t want to but because the society wouldn’t let me. Whatever. Let’s talk about that in a separate blog, some other day when I am ready to talk about it.

I miss you. And I have missed you with every breath and every cell of my existence. I have started missing you more with each passing day. For the first time in the last four years, I finally have gathered the courage to acknowledge that fact. I am finally able to accept how your absence has been affecting our lives.

Our life still lacks something

Your daughter hasn’t spent a single night without reminding me of you. I choose to call her your daughter since she is the exact replica of you – in thoughts and in actions.

‘Aaj lagta hai ki tum jaise the, jo the, sirf ek tum the jo mere apne the. Ek tum the jo meri sunte the, mujhe sunate the.’ (Today, I realise no matter how you were, no matter who you were, you were the only one, I could call mine. You were the only one who listened to me and the only one I’d listen to)

There is nothing lacking in either my life or our daughter’s We are complete with each other. ‘Par kuch hai jo sirf tum de sakte the – hum dono ko.’ (But there is something that only you could provide – to the both of us)

I loved you and will continue to love you.

Yours truly.

Picture credits: Still from Bollywood movie Hum Tum

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