I’d Almost Attempted Suicide When I Realised That Even Killing Myself Wouldn’t Save Me…

I was in a bad place with my depression and I could only see one way out of it... until I realised that some times even killing yourself doesn't save you.

I was in a bad place with my depression and I could only see one way out of it… until I realised that some times even killing yourself doesn’t save you.

Trigger warning: This article is a contains details of attempted suicide and depression with some graphic details that could be triggering for survivors.

I have had depression since as long as I can remember. As I child I always felt different but I wasn’t sure why and as I grew up, I realise what was different about me – I wasn’t happy.

I remember looking at my younger sister and dad and wondering how could they laugh at lame things all day. And how they make jokes and always smiled while I could do none of it. 

The years passed and the depression only got bigger and deeper and darker. And finally in the first year of medical school, I realised what I felt most of my life had a name, and it was called clinical depression.

So I found a way to cope with it…

It all started to make sense- why I was constantly triggered and why I cried without any reasons, and all the sadness I had. All of it now, was clear. I was different because I wasn’t well. At that point of time, not many people knew what depression was.

It was considered a ‘rich man’s disease’ or something that was simply made up to get attention. So I did what any 19-year-old would think was the smart thing to do to cope – I decided to date.

Well, it was beautiful initially, the being madly in love, the hugs, the dates, the secret make-outs, everything was like a fairy tale. As the months passed by, slowly, the rainbows and glitters started to fade away. Now I’d begun feeling controlled, belittled and even harassed. He used this lack of self-worth that I had to control me further.

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But it wasn’t healthy at all

Slowly, restriction on everything started coming in – right from my friends I had to the clothes I wore. And in order to have him in my life, so I had something to hold on to, I began changing myself.

Well, changing myself definitely helped me keep him in life but I was still miserable and powerless. Slowly his control turned to physical abuse. It was a couple years of being in this ‘first love’ that I was physically and mentally abused on a daily basis. And I never had the strength to get out of it.

Finally, one day, I decided that enough was enough and broke up with him. He threatened to slander me and did everything he could to destroy me. By then, I’d decided to quit it.

So I was standing in front of this knot I’d tied on this beautiful orange shawl of mine. I was well-prepared with a letter from a few months ago, I always thought this is how I would finally go.

I was ready but a question gnawed in my mind

Everything was set. I had the knot around my neck. The letter was written. All I had to go was give up and in that second a question popped into my head – what will happen when they find me?

They would bring me down from the rope and the rumours will start about being mentally ill. And the world will believe all the nonsense that my ex had made up and I wouldn’t be there to fight or prove him wrong. My family will be left alone to deal with his story since I never really told them the truth, either.

That was when it struck me that killing myself would not solve my problems. If I died, no one would ever know what really happened to me.

So I decided to step out of the knot, and threw everything away.  I finally decided to fight back!

If you or anyone you know is feeling suicidal, here are some of the helplines available in India. Please call. 

Aasra, Mumbai: 022 27546669

Sneha, Chennai: 044 2464 0050

Lifeline, Kolkata: 033 2474 4704

Sahai, Bangalore: 080 25497777

Roshni, Hyderabad: 040 66202000, 040 66202001

Picture credits: YouTube

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