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I think I’ve felt more maternal towards a dog I am sure I can return to its owners once it’s done a shit than an actual baby with the same contract.
I have no idea how to hold a baby. They’ve always scared me so I’ve just done a pretty good job of avoiding them so far. I refused to go near my nephew until he turned three. And he started to seem like less of a dropping hazard and more of a liability and therefore slightly easier handle.
But now he’s 14 years old, and easily one of my favourite family members and sends me memes I’ve already seen regularly. My maternal instincts towards him (that every woman should supposedly have) are zero to none.
I don’t know if this is due to my own mother’s stringent parenting approach and reluctancy to humour the damsel in distress narrative. Or because we shouldn’t generalise every single woman on the planet to want the same thing from life – a baby.
A baby, preferably with a husband because having one out of wedlock will lead to becoming a social pariah. And might even lead the society referring to your child as a bastard like in Peaky Blinders, set in 1919. On a brighter note, the man in question will be totally fine and not expected to deal with the consequences of his actions at all.
This is probably one of the oldest double standards in the patriarchy. Especially the bit that gives political leaders (without vagina’s) the authority to implement laws and restrictions over what women can and cannot do- with their bodies.
On a surface level the laws, restrictions and campaigns aim to preserve the sanctity of life. But when you look below the belt, it comes across as a manipulative way to dismiss freedom of choice and police women’s bodies. Don’t you sometimes wonder if this would be the case if men got pregnant?
The self-deprecating ‘just’ in ‘I am just a Dad’ wouldn’t exist and the title ‘stay-at-home-father’ would be celebrated as a full-blown profession. And time, money, and resources will be put towards making a contraceptive pill that doesn’t make you feel like you have acute depression.
Abortions would be handed out for free with a complimentary Xanax or homegrown weed for your trouble! President Trump would tweet about freedom of choice and men’s rights to their own bodies.
Although, in this paradox, two things would stay intact: firstly society’s habit of brushing aside the actions of badly behaved men with a classic ‘boys will be boys.’
And secondly, girls will still be expected to take sole responsibility and quietly accept the consequences of a boy’s actions. This will be done throughout their teens and then in their early 20’s they will be celebrated for being ‘mature.’
As if it was all the years of double standards and trauma that paved way to create our heightened levels of maturity! Are women naturally more caring or is this just an enforced gender stereotype we’ve all spent centuries adapting to? Our society relies on gender norms to ensure that a regulated decorum is followed throughout the world.
Do even the most reluctant of women eventually have an epiphany that releases all of their maternal instincts they supposedly always had? But if everyone has an epiphany about the same thing, it no longer seems like an epiphany and more like mass manipulation.
Do you think our mothers were actually ready to have a baby? Or were they just pushing 30 and got tired of everyone questioning their fertility? Are these appropriate grounds to push a watermelon out of your vagina and be its primary carer till it turns 18?
I’m not an anti-natalist, I think it’s important to celebrate and support mothers. At the same time, I also think it is important to shift the narrative by normalising the idea that a baby might not be end game for every woman.
Especially if there is potential for them to turn out like Raphael Samuel. He is a Mumbai-based businessman who sued his parents for giving birth to him without his consent. And argues that he was unleashed into an unwarranted amount of suffering. There is an element of truth in his (slightly flawed) belief system because on some days, I do see where he is coming from.
Everyone always says we need to make the world a better place for our children. But one of the best ways to achieve this is, by focusing our attention towards the children living below the poverty line right now. The other thing is removing stigma often associated with avenues such as adoption, fostering and surrogacy (unless it’s a dodgy black market deal).
But we can also normalise the idea that some women are content being the cool aunt with the questionable amount of money. The one who makes a point to start day drinking as soon as the afternoon school run starts.
A version of this was earlier published here.
Picture credits: Still from Bollywood movie Piku
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People say that women are the greatest enemies of women. I vehemently disagree. It is the patriarchal mindset that makes women believe in the wrong ideology.
The entire world celebrates International Women’s Day on March 8, 2024. It should be a joyful day, but unfortunately, not all women are entitled to this privilege, as violence against women is at its peak. The experience of oppression pushes many women to choose freedom. As far as patriotism is concerned, feminism is not a cup of tea in this society.
What happens when a woman decides to stand up for herself? Does this world easily accept the decisions of women in this society? What inspires them to be free of the clutches of the oppression that women have faced for ages? Most of the time, women do not get the chance to decide for themselves. Their lives are always at the mercy of someone, which can be their parents, siblings, husband, or children.
In some cases, women do not feel the need to make any decisions. They are taught to obey the patriarchal system, which makes them believe that they are right. In my family, I was never taught to make decisions on my own. It was always my parents who bought dresses and all that I needed.
14 years after her last feature film Dhobi Ghat, storyteller extraordinaire comes up with her new film, Laapataa Ladies, a must watch.
*Some spoilers alert*
Every religion around the world dictates terms to women. The onus is always on women to be ‘modest’ and cover their faces and bodies so men can’t be “tempted”, rather than on men to keep their eyes where they belong and behave like civilized beings. So much so that even rape has been excused on the grounds of women eating chowmein or ‘men will be men’. I think the best Hindi movie retort to this unwanted advice on ‘akeli ladki khuli tijori ki tarah hoti hai’ (an alone woman is like an open jewellery box) came from Geet in Jab We Met – Kya aap gyan dene ke paise lete hain kyonki chillar nahin hain mere paas.
The premise of Laapataa Ladies is beautifully simple – two brides clad in the ghunghat that covers their identity get mixed up on a train. Within this Russian Doll, you get a comedy of errors, a story of getting lost, a commentary on patriarchy’s attitude towards women, a mystery, and a tale of finding oneself, all in one. Done with a mostly light touch that has you laughing and nodding along.
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