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We should raise our voice if that is what is essential, but we also need to pick our battles without being a toxic, complaining person.
We should raise our voice if that is what is essential, but we also need to pick our battles without increasing the toxicity of our surroundings.
A much younger acquaintance presented a very amusing explanation for refusing to marry someone.
She said the prospective groom, who is otherwise kind-hearted and has no vices, unfortunately has a complaining nature that can be very annoying at times. He complains about anything under the sun if it does not happen the way he expects it to be.
So she came to the conclusion that she could not spend her entire life with an individual who she would have to pacify 24/7 or, in her words, someone she would “have to babysit forever”.
Whether consciously or unknowingly, we all have the tendency to complain for some reason or another. It’s just the degree that varies. Some complain more than the rest. If you do not fall into this category and can never think of a single instance when you have complained, your name needs to be inscribed for posterity to remember you as that revered saint who was always happy with life!
The constant negativity that runs in some people makes them chronic complainers. Complaining becomes their second nature; they are dissatisfied even with the minutest of things that do not work the way they want. At the slightest pretext, they pour out their whining to others as they look for sympathy and emotional validation.
For instance, if you see any divisions or prejudices in society which are based on unfair practices, you have a valid reason to complain against them. I would say that you can induct yourself into the foolish club if you do not raise your voice against any injustice done to you and let others use you as a door mat. Also, since we are human, it’s natural that we might complain when we experience any hurt, physical or emotional. What essentially is my point is that it is irritating when the complaint is registered for no rhyme or reason at the drop of a hat.
The psychology of complaining is worth exploring. There is a growing body of research that addresses different parameters. Psychologists have categorized complaining into many groups based on a variety of characteristics. Dr. Lisa Juliano, in her article No One Likes a Complainer: Here’s Why, talks about the different types.
Result oriented
The active effective complaint is one when a person is totally confident that a situation or an event is not in compliance with correct norms, and he or she complains to get the desired results.
Venting that can lead to change
Then there is venting: when one lets out the emotions brewing inside him to let go of that weight from his chest. Sharing justified concerns with others may pave the way for a brainstorming session that can yield positive outcomes. But when one vents out his frustration on a continuous basis and his objections carry less weight, he is branded as a whiner
Trying to get back control
Finally, there is something called the ineffective complaint. In this case, what essentially pokes one to complain is when they know that they have no control over the situation but through complaining seek to achieve a false feeling of control over the state of affairs.
The founder of the non-profit organization and also a book by the same name A Complaint Free World, Will Bowen has been instrumental in bringing about a positive transformation in people from over a hundred countries.
While Will was the lead minister in One Community Spiritual Center in Kansas City, Missouri, he conceived a brilliant idea as a tool to steer people away from complaining. Calling it a “non-religious human transformation movement”, he challenged himself and his congregation to go 21 days without complaining. To monitor their success in eliminating the habit, he suggested his congregation use purple bracelets.
The idea exploded, and more than 11 million people around the world took up the challenge.
In no way do I claim to be well versed in theology, but something said in the Bhagawad Gita has always struck a chord with me. One of the most sacred Hindu scriptures, the Gita offers an invaluable interpretation about complaining.
With his infinite wisdom, Lord Krishna tells Arjun that we complain and grumble about situations because what we see before us is an incomplete picture. We blame others for our misery and wish to run away from the scene. But we fail to realize that the world created by God is perfect in every way, and that there is a divine purpose behind all good and bad situations. They come in the cycle of our existence so that we evolve spiritually and attain the level of perfection. So in the words of Lord Krishna, whoever understands this secret of the universe bravely encounters adversities and faces them with a serene and tranquil temperament.
A quote from Randy Pausch’s The Last Lecture drives home a beautiful message: “If you took one-tenth the energy you put into complaining and applied it to solving the problem, you’d be surprised by how well things can work out… Complaining does not work as a strategy. We all have finite time and energy. Any time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve our goals.”
It will definitely help if we count our blessings and be thankful for the good things we have. Perhaps we would end up complaining less if we reflect on the fact that we are in a much better state than a whole multitude of people and could have been in a much worse state than what we are complaining about. To be happy does not mean a state where everything is perfect; it means that a person is ready to look beyond the imperfections. The choice is ours, so we can stop or at least minimize those moans and groans to make our journey of life a blissful one!
First published here.
Image source: unsplash
Rashmi Bora Das is a freelance writer settled in the suburbs of Atlanta. She has a master’s degree in English from India, and a second master’s in Public Administration from the University of read more...
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Neena was the sole caregiver of Amma and though one would think that Amma was dependent on her, Neena felt otherwise.
Neena inhaled the aroma that emanated from the pan and took a deep breath. The aroma of cumin interspersed with butter transported her back to the modest kitchen in her native village. She could picture her father standing in the kitchen wearing his white crisp kurta as he made delectable concoctions for his only daughter.
Neena grew up in a home where both her parents worked together in tandem to keep the house up and running. She had a blissful childhood in her modest two-room house. The house was small but every nook and cranny gave her memories of a lifetime. Neena’s young heart imagined that her life would follow the same cheerful course. But how wrong she was!
When she was sixteen, the catastrophic clutches of destiny snatched away her parents. They passed away in a road accident and Neena was devastated. Relatives thronged her now gloomy house and soon it was decided that she should be married off.
Women today don’t want to be in a partnership that complicates their lives further. They need an equal partner with whom they can figure out life as a team, playing by each other’s strengths.
We all are familiar with that one annoying aunty who is more interested in our marital status than in the dessert counter at a wedding. But these aunties have somehow become obsolete now. Now they are replaced by men we have in our lives. Friends, family, and even work colleagues. It’s the men who are worried about why we are not saying yes to one among their clans. What is wrong with us? Aren’t we scared of dying alone? Like them?
A recent interaction with a guy friend of mine turned sour when he lectured me about how I would regret not getting married at the right time. He lectured that every event in our lives needs to be completed within a certain timeframe set by society else we are doomed. I wasn’t angry. I was just disappointed to realize that annoying aunties are rapidly doubling in our society. And they don’t just appear at weddings or family functions anymore. They are everywhere. They are the real pandemic.
Let’s examine this a little closer.
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