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Depression after a bad breakup can be literally killing, but how can this be dealt with? A personal experience.
I had my breakup in February this year, after three years of relationship – two happy years, and one half sad and half toxic. The last one year sapped all my energy and time. All I remember is that I would wake up with him shouting and would go to bed at night after an abusive fight. Life became torturous. So I decided to call it off.
The process of breakup itself took another two months because he wouldn’t give up.
Earlier, whenever I came across someone who was taking help from their family or friends to resolve a crisis in their relationship, I thought of her/him as weak, someone who couldn’t handle their relationship on their own. But now I understood how exhausting, painful and difficult it can be to come out of a relationship, more so if your partner is violent.
Post breakup, the first month was cheery. I was watching movies, listening to songs, partying, catching up with friends, and doing all those things which I did before I met him. On weekends, I slept for long hours since I hadn’t got a lot of sleep in the last half a year.
But as soon as the second month started, I was starting to get bored out of doing all these things.
Every passing day I was falling into the abyss of loneliness. I started missing the messages and calls that flooded my phone in my happy years. I longed for the romantic conversations we had at night. I would check my phone every 5 minutes, expecting a message from someone. And when I didn’t find any messages I would check my Instagram and Facebook over and over until I was bored of that too.
It was getting difficult everyday for me to concentrate on my work. To suddenly come out of a routine I was following for the past 3 years was like running uphill, just that I was unable to see an end to it. Add to all this was the forever lingering thought of not finding anyone else.
As I was fighting with all this, I got a message from a college friend, one who had a crush on me during college days. We started talking, I, just to keep those thoughts at bay and to give myself the false reassurance that I can get a partner if I want to.
If he didn’t message, I would get restless. I didn’t want those thoughts to haunt me again. I was getting dependent on him. Soon, he started giving me hints that he wanted us to be together. Since it was a rebound phase for me, I started thinking about a relationship with him. But I wasn’t sure if I actually wanted it.
One fine day, as we were chatting on WhatsApp, he asked me if we can be together. Had I been stable, I would have have never admired this trait in a man – to ask someone out online. But I wasn’t stable and all I wanted was to experience those things again and that too soon. Still, I asked him to give me some time to think about it, as my conscience was not giving me a clear yes.
For next two days, I was absorbed in thinking. I wanted to get into another relationship but deep down I knew it wasn’t right. Generally, the right decision is tough to tread.
I wasn’t done with self introspection after my breakup. I was still angry for damaging myself mentally over the course of my relationship. I was looking at all the negative things in people, even my family and closest friends. I lost my temper on trivial things, things which I usually ignored earlier. I wasn’t at peace with myself. So I decided to refuse.
Now came the darkest phase of the entire episode. My friend had stopped talking to me and now I found myself deeper in the pit of loneliness.
Now, I came to know why people go into depression after a breakup. A thing which I always found amusing. But this time years of reading helped me. I always read in newspapers and books that if you come out of a bad phase, with a positive attitude, you emerge stronger. That you are lucky if you face a hard time. That it strengthens your decision making power and if you stay positive then you become a better human being, you become empathetic and you become stronger.
Now I just had to find a way to come out of this. I decided to take the challenges one by one.
I decided to get out of my bed as soon as I woke up, instead of lying down and thinking about my past. So, I did my chores, put on a good dress and went to work. Even on days when I didn’t feel happy, I would force myself to do it.
Simultaneously, I was conditioning my mind to think something positive while I would get ready for the day. Positive could be anything, a plan for the next trip, a happy scene from a movie etc. Gradually, it became natural and now the past wasn’t haunting me anymore.
I concentrated on doing my work, and whenever I was free I would go to my friends and have a conversation with them. I consciously did not give in to my craving of checking my phone again and again. I also made a promise to myself that whenever I would pick up my phone I would learn something new.
Slowly, I was reading about anything and everything and learning a lot. I found many things I could do in my free time like pottery, home decor, photography etc. Now, I started enjoying my own company.
This part was the hardest since we used to talk at lengths during night about our day, the challenges, romance and many other things. As soon as I would reach home, the loneliness would start surrounding me.
I started talking to my sister and would tell her everything that happened throughout the day, my fight with myself and other things in detail. She listened to everything with patience and even added her own suggestions which helped me a lot. On the days when she was busy i would read a novel. Before sleeping, I would do a small meditation which helped me calm my mind.
The next 6 months have been the best in this year.
I was learning new things, reading about what is happening around the world, meeting new people.I went to trips with my friends where I honed my photography skills. I flirted with anyone I wanted to, without feeling guilty about it. Now, I did not want to get into a relationship because I was enjoying so much being single. I turned my loneliness into solitude.
Image source: unsplash
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