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Come February, I Can’t Help But Think Of The Love I Lost

Posted: February 15, 2019

With Valentine’s Week, it’s love and romance all around us – making it even harder to bear the death of a relationship. Anyone who has loved and lost will relate to this!

“I thought of you and how you love this beauty,
And walking up the long beach all alone
I heard the waves breaking in measured thunder
As you and I once heard their monotone.

Around me were the echoing dunes, beyond me
The cold and sparkling silver of the sea-
We two will pass through death and ages lengthen
Before you hear that sound again with me.”

-“I Thought Of You”, Sara Teasdale

“Love it, hate it but you cannot ignore it – the month of love has officially begun.” So read the e-mail from an online shopping site, offering discounts on various products on the occasion of Valentine’s Day. These e-mails and my news feed in FB never forget to remind me that it’s February, the month of love.

Remember, how you used to whisper “I love you” to me on every Valentines Day? And I used to answer, “I love you 2, 3, 4…” It was almost like a ritual – these confessions of love on every Valentine’s Day. And now that you no longer exist in my life, I have only your memories to accompany me on every 14th February, or for that matter, on all the other 364 days of the year.

You know what, recently a friend of mine saw our wedding pictures and commented, “Your ex-husband was so handsome.” Was it your handsome face that I fell in love with? Or was it your constant care for me, like a father cares for his daughter? Or was it the way you loved me that made me fell for you? Probably none of these account for my love for you. Because I never needed a reason to love you. Just like a flower never need a reason to bloom. Or just like a butterfly never need a reason to spread its colourful wings. For I always believed in the craziness that love brings. If love is rational, within the realm of reason – it’s anything but love.

On this week of love, when the world celebrates love, I look for my world in every nook and cranny. For I have lost my world. Forever. I never had any world other than you.

A heaviness settles inside me. It refuses to budge, no matter how hard I try. So now I am jotting down all my incoherent rumblings borne out of that heaviness. Maybe as the words tumble out, the weight may lift, making my heart as light as a feather. What are you doing now? Do you miss me? Or have you forgotten me altogether? We could not remain together in this lifetime. But may be another life of togetherness awaits us. We’ll surely be together – on the other side of death. Do remember me, till death do us together.

I am not sending kisses, because wives don’t kiss their husbands in public view.

Your ex-wife.

Image via Pexels

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An engineer by education, I am a civil servant by profession. A doting mother. An

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