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I Hit My Son For The 1st Time Yesterday; I’m Unable To Forgive Myself. Has It Happened To You?

Despite being a loving mom, this author hit her son, for the 1st time, as a reaction. She ponders on why she did it, and brings us some valuable points to think about.

Despite being a loving mom, this author hit her son, for the 1st time, as a reaction. She ponders on why she did it, and brings us some valuable points to think about.

I am known to be that mother whose focus is completely on enjoying every second of motherhood. I won’t say that I am the perfect mother, because no mother can be perfect. There is no rule book, or a book which teaches you how to be the best mother.

You are learning all the time and trying hard to be a role model for your kid. It is a continuous process. I know it is impossible to be a parent and not lose your temper. There will be so many occasions when you completely loose it. I have been in those kind of situations more than a 100 times, but I have never laid a hand on them.

But, yesterday I hit my son for the first time. I was on my evening walk and I saw him hit his friend. I did not give him a chance to explain, I just hit him. I am feeling miserable since yesterday. I am trying to analyze my behavior. There is no amount of logic or explanation that can rationalize my behavior.

I am not a violent person. I don’t behave like this.

I read somewhere that ‘if you never heal from what hurt you, you will bleed on who did not cut you’.

Was I taking out my frustration on my him?

No, I don’t want to find excuses. There is nothing more  pathetic and sad than a parent who teaches a child not to hit by spanking him/her.

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He explained why he behaved in that way, and I understood that he was pushed to his limits. I told him that he should move away from those  situations and hitting is a bad choice. He said sorry and that he would never do it again, and slept peacefully in my arms. But I couldn’t sleep.

Parenting is full of choices, but yesterday, at that moment, I made a wrong choice. I am meant to be his protector. It is impossible to undo what I have done. I will never forgive myself.

He woke up with a happy smile today. When he met his friends at the bus stop, they were very cheerful and happy together. How I wish I could be like them and just forget the episode.

I am just venting out by writing. Not that it makes me feel less guilty but I will definitely never ever repeat what I have done yesterday.

For all moms who are just like me, if, any time you are in the same situation like me, just take a deep breath, think, but don’t hit.

A version of this was published here earlier.

Image source: shutterstock

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