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Say it loud and clear, ladies, that what you need from your spouse is a partnership in making family decisions, and support in your personal decisions - not "permission".
Say it loud and clear, ladies, that what you need from your spouse is a partnership in making family decisions, and support in your personal decisions – not “permission”.
While interacting with people, one thing that I often come across is, most men think they are good husbands if they have ‘given permission’ to their wives for everything they have asked for. Similarly, most women think their husbands are good if the husbands have always permitted them to do what they wanted to do.
I have often asked these men if their wives have also given them permission whenever they wanted to do something, and I get a look of bewildered astonishment. I have asked women if they too give permission to their husbands whenever they ask for it, and they look shocked, and one of them even said this is not how things happen in life.
The difference between permission and support is massive. It’s interesting to see how these two are used in accordance to the gender. A woman agreeing with her husband’s decisions is “supporting” him while a man agreeing with his wife’s decisions is “permitting” her.
Things in our society are skewed. Especially in context to gender roles and freedom.
Questions about our own identity, existence, and about the most basic rights need to be asked. By ourselves to ourselves. No one can give women ‘permission’ to live their lives their way. Women just have to realise that and BANG! Men would be ‘supporting’ instead of ‘permitting’.
We talk about equality, we talk about not limiting a woman’s identity to the gender roles assigned to her by the society but all that talk, and all these ideas go in vain if we dont know how to assert ourselves. And that includes saying words like “No” and “This is not what I want” loud and clear.
Gender inequality is enmeshed in our social fabric. A husband cooking for the wife is a good husband but a wife cooking for her husband is well, a wife! A father cleaning up the poop of the child is a good father while a mother doing the same is just a mother! A daughter in law covering her head as a mark of respect is being a daughter in law and a man wishing his in laws is all the respect they need!
When gender roles and gender bias happen, they give complete comfort to one side while giving the burden of responsibilities and respect and duties to the other. This means, one side is so comfortable that they would probably not inherently realise that something is skewed in this balance. Thus, expecting the other gender to support is again confirming to the stereotype of looking for approval and permissions. The only way to do it is, doing things not because someone agrees with it or someone supports it or someone is okay with it, but because this is how we look at ourselves and this is how things are going to be!
Image source: a still from the movie Toilet- Ek Prem Katha
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People say that women are the greatest enemies of women. I vehemently disagree. It is the patriarchal mindset that makes women believe in the wrong ideology.
The entire world celebrates International Women’s Day on March 8, 2024. It should be a joyful day, but unfortunately, not all women are entitled to this privilege, as violence against women is at its peak. The experience of oppression pushes many women to choose freedom. As far as patriotism is concerned, feminism is not a cup of tea in this society.
What happens when a woman decides to stand up for herself? Does this world easily accept the decisions of women in this society? What inspires them to be free of the clutches of the oppression that women have faced for ages? Most of the time, women do not get the chance to decide for themselves. Their lives are always at the mercy of someone, which can be their parents, siblings, husband, or children.
In some cases, women do not feel the need to make any decisions. They are taught to obey the patriarchal system, which makes them believe that they are right. In my family, I was never taught to make decisions on my own. It was always my parents who bought dresses and all that I needed.
14 years after her last feature film Dhobi Ghat, storyteller extraordinaire comes up with her new film, Laapataa Ladies, a must watch.
*Some spoilers alert*
Every religion around the world dictates terms to women. The onus is always on women to be ‘modest’ and cover their faces and bodies so men can’t be “tempted”, rather than on men to keep their eyes where they belong and behave like civilized beings. So much so that even rape has been excused on the grounds of women eating chowmein or ‘men will be men’. I think the best Hindi movie retort to this unwanted advice on ‘akeli ladki khuli tijori ki tarah hoti hai’ (an alone woman is like an open jewellery box) came from Geet in Jab We Met – Kya aap gyan dene ke paise lete hain kyonki chillar nahin hain mere paas.
The premise of Laapataa Ladies is beautifully simple – two brides clad in the ghunghat that covers their identity get mixed up on a train. Within this Russian Doll, you get a comedy of errors, a story of getting lost, a commentary on patriarchy’s attitude towards women, a mystery, and a tale of finding oneself, all in one. Done with a mostly light touch that has you laughing and nodding along.
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