The Perfect Smile; A Smile That Means “Shut Up And Mind Your Own Business.”

Posted: August 27, 2018

Now, the world expects me to sit and grieve the loss of the person who never came to my life. Why would I do that? Rather I would love to celebrate the ones whom I am blessed with.

A page from Nisha’s diary

24th April 2018

Just back from Dhruv’s birthday party. He looked cute in the dress I gifted him. It feels great that he chose to wear that dress for the party. I simply love the way he talks. Clear words with few babbles. Innocent, sweet and so appealing. Why can’t the ladies at the party speak like him? Why they have to be so rude and insensitive?

Just after I finished singing, the applause followed by Meeta aunty’s comment, “So Nisha, when will we get to hear you sing at your child’s birthday party?” I felt like answering, “If you want to hear me sing, why don’t you subscribe to my YouTube channel and hear me sing all day. You don’t have to wait for me to conceive, nine months of pregnancy, childbirth and then one more year for my child to turn one to hear me sing.” But I did not answer. Instead, I just smiled back. Over the years, I have learnt to master that perfect smile – a smile devoid of any emotion, a smile which means nothing. Not YES, not NO not even MAYBE. Rather it means “Shut up and mind your own business.”

I put in a lot of effort to see those two pink lines. Months of going to the gynae to get the egg size checked and to track my ovulation. My hope rising and falling with the size of the egg. Every month’s anticipation, anxiety and feeling of rejection. Feeling of being deprived – deprived by my own body and deprived by my own destiny. Where did I fail and why did I fail? Did everything as advised. Modified my diet as per the instructions of the dietician. Religiously followed the weight loss programme, getting absolutely no time for me and Ronit. My life revolved around gynae, dietician, fitness instructor and office. I did lose weight. My BMI was perfect. Got lot of compliments which kept my spirits really high. But I had no time for my passion. Don’t remember uploading a single song on YouTube for an entire year. All in vain.

Can’t forget Priya’s remark today, “Haven’t seen your in laws visit you of late. Hope they are still in good terms with you?” I wish I could respond – “I get to hear all the terms you and your mom in law share while dealing with your son. The loud screams and arguments are my wakeup alarms every weekend. I don’t know who wins the contest of pampering and spoiling the kid more but certainly the award for the loudest screams goes to you Priya.” But again I said nothing and displayed that supremely rehearsed perfect smile.

Papa mummy supported and cared for me during my tough phase of IVF and are always there for me. Now they are in Bangalore as their second grandchild may pop out any moment. Their daughter also needs to get her share of affection and support from them. Somehow felt Priya does not deserve to know all this and did not share with her. Just being next door neighbour does not qualify her to have information about my personal life.

Rita met me tonight probably after 5-6 years. The last was the goodbye hug at the airport when they were leaving for Canada. Couldn’t believe the first thing she told me after half a decade of meeting, “Hey Nisha, you still sing so well. By the way, my sister has adopted a baby girl and they are so happy.” I wanted to shout back – “Hey lady, did I just tell you I am not happy?” Again, I flashed that perfect smile. Yes, adoption is an option. Ronit and I have discussed about it. Huge respect for the couples who have done so. We haven’t decided our final stand yet. We may adopt, we may not and if we do the whole world will come to know about it.

I wanted to have a baby and made sincere efforts. Now, the world expects me to sit and grieve the loss of the person who never came to my life. Why would I do that? Rather I would love to celebrate the ones whom I am blessed with. A best friend by my side, two sets of parents who love me and need me, a career which I have achieved after years of hard work and perseverance, my passion, few close friends and relatives, my adorable niece who looks up to me. If you still feel I am not complete, so be it. There’s more to life than being just a mom.

Tonight I enjoyed listening to funny tales of potty training, teething worries and preschool adventures . But moms, can’t we talk about other things too?

Nisha

Image source: Pixabay