*Ting Tong* Sanskari Sundar Silent Selfless Bahu Not There

It's ridiculous to still expect a Sanskari Sundar Silent Selfless Bahu in the 21st century. Women are people in their own right, and have a voice.

It’s ridiculous to still expect a Sanskari Sundar Silent Selfless Bahu in the 21st century. Women are people in their own right, and have a voice.

The ad said, “Urgently Needed. A fair, beautiful MBA educated girl of height 5’6 for a NRI boy of 12 lakhs package.” But the undertone said, need a Sanskari Sundar Silent Selfless Bahu urgently. The girl must be able to use her MBA skills to become a house maid in the USA and her beauty to become a trophy wife. Oh! Not to forget that I don’t think there is anything you need to know about our son, except he’s an NRI and earns a lakh per month.

Nope. The times have not changed. This is how it is even in the 21st century!

I am trying to say…

Technology has grown multi-fold over the last few years. The floppy has moved to USB drives, the bulky GSM phones have now become 4G smartphones. Not to forget the tremendous growth of internet, and how we can’t live without it anymore. Yet, there seems to be no growth in mindset.

Okay! I know am being pessimistic and not seeing that there has been change. When the ratio of it is pretty low, I still want to point out that things are moving towards the stone age. Especially in the area of marriage.

Women have always been strong and had the ability to stand through thick and thin. But now women are also independent and seeking to be heard. They always had a voice, but now they want you to actually hear it. But when the topic of marriages comes up, suddenly it’s all back to ground zero for women. Marriages and the varied nuances of it, is one thing that hasn’t changed at all. ‘Whyyyyy?’ I scream, knowing there may not be any answer coming back.

So here is what am trying to say or rather ask parents today is: why nurture your girls to have dreams and wings to fly, when ultimately they are chopped off? Let’s dwell some more on this concept, shall we?

What is this obsession with a Sanskari Sundar Silent Selfless Bahu?


Sanskar aka values are something everyone must have. What is this expectation of the daughter in law needing to be sanskari specifically?

Never miss real stories from India's women.

Register Now

Behave like a bahu. That is, wear all the necessary required ornaments and don’t forget the dress code. Sanskari for me has always meant values. Respecting elders, helping others, and being understanding. This totally should depend on one’s behavior and is not directly or indirectly proportional to what the clothes you wear are. The son wearing shorts is not disrespectful and cheap, while the bahu wearing it becomes uncultured and much more.

Frankly, don’t you think the fault is in the mind of the people who say so and not really of the one who wears the clothes he/she likes?


This is another obsession not just in India but across the world. Mind you, the sundar here means being fair-complexioned and having a good figure. No matter how ugly or stupid the son looks, bahu sundar honi chahiye (the daughter in law should be ‘good looking’). After all it is one of the only achievements of the son that he landed a girl who is good looking right?

It amuses me how this is shamelessly asked for. Arey! We shall forgive if she doesn’t have manners or brains, but as long as she is good looking everything will work out. Hain na?

Silent and Selfless

This, my friends, is the most ridiculous requirements many ask for. Silent despite anything we say, and keeps doing things for us no matter what we say. If she inherently does this, she is the best bahu one could ever get, and son gains another medal for landing her. If not, all hell breaks loose!

It’s time we seriously changed!

In the matter of marriage, I always find that women often pander to patriarchy more than the men.

A mother tells her daughter to constantly ‘adjust’ and suppress who she is. The mother in law glorifies her son, no matter what the faults, and expects the bahu to either ‘fix’ him or learn to get along. Mind you these mothers have undergone years of ill treatment and at times a ‘no respect’ stage too. Yet, instead of changing it or standing up for the generations to come, they seem to subconsciously follow it in the name of tradition.

A daughter in law who has a voice is immediately considered dominant, disrespectful and unloving. When all she is doing is expressing what she thinks, feels and wants. Now I wonder why this is a mistake?

It’s time that marriages are seen for what they are. Just another phase of life. Don’t glorify it as the ultimate nirvana for anyone’s life, especially that of a woman. Daughters are capable of taking care of themselves and their families too without any difficulty. Instead of pulling her down in the name of marriage, lift her up by allowing her voice to be heard.

And ladies, if we pull each other down, then what’s the point? Stop forcing these rules and regulations on a girl in the name of marriage. Two people should marry to be with each other and build a life for and with each other. Nothing else matters.

We are not born to be married and it is not our ultimate goal in life. Neither do we need to be told what to do and what to wear in the name of being taken care! Let us live! We’d rather be Shakti and happy, than being Sundar Susheel Silent and Selfless.

The new ad should be,

Image source: the author

Published here earlier.

Image source: shutterstock

Liked this post?

Join the 100000 women at Women's Web who get our weekly mailer and never miss out on our events, contests & best reads - you can also start sharing your own ideas and experiences with thousands of other women here!


About the Author

Akshata Bhadranna

Feminist, Ecopreneur & a Zerowaste aspirant. Believes that my life purpose is to influence people to be ecofriendly and to help the girls/women of the future be more free - in who they are, what read more...

26 Posts | 129,050 Views

Stay updated with our Weekly Newsletter or Daily Summary - or both!

All Categories