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Sometimes competitive couples use their intimate knowledge of each other's vulnerabilities as weapons. This is a no-no for a healthy relationship!
Sometimes competitive couples use their intimate knowledge of each other’s vulnerabilities as weapons. This is a no-no for a healthy relationship!
My husband and I like to spend a few hours every week discussing our lives, or our relationship, or Physics or some esoteric subject. This weekend we were talking about something, and somehow we ended up on the subject of competition.
We are both fiercely competitive people. But somehow, we realized, that we don’t really compete against each other. How did that come to be, we wondered.
“It would be counterproductive for us to compete,” I said.
“I agree,” he replied. “But still, how come we don’t? We must have to start with it, right?”
So we thought about it. My husband and I have been together since I was 18. We were both in the same class doing a B.Sc in Physics. I recalled that there were a few sticky moments early in our relationship, when we were competing against each other. I guess we soon realized that aggressively competing against each other would be detrimental to our relationship. I don’t remember ever actually discussing it, but after the first few times, competing led to a strain on our relationship. We started experimenting with different ways to deal with issues associated with competing.
Whenever possible, we started co-operating instead of competing. We studied together for exams, helping each other out and pooled in our strengths to understand things much better than either one of us could have done individually. When we did have to compete, like in exams, or when we played a game, we created a safe environment for each other. When the exam results came out, we made a conscious effort not to gloat when one of us did better than the other.
When we played board games like scrabble, we openly praised each other for every good effort. Same with outdoor games for kids like badminton and frisbee. We noticed that exchanging praise liberally created a non-threatening environment, where each of us felt comfortable being open about our vulnerabilities. We could even work together to improve our individual weaknesses. Also, at the end of the game we were genuinely happy with each other, and not trying to suppress bitter feelings, that would often arise earlier when we played against each other.
We soon recognized who was more skilled at what, and gave each other tips in a non-condescending way. As we began to trust each other, we also became more open to accepting helpful tips. When it was possible, we would play games in a co-operative way, rather than in a competitive mode. Playing this way was both entertaining and rewarding.
Today, when we play with other people, we try to play in opposing teams. This is because, over the years, we have experimented with and learned ways to make competing pleasant in general. We use our ideas of encouraging words and liberal praise when we play with other friends too.
Over the years, this approach helped us build trust in each other. Today, we can compete without feeling insecure. We know now, that when we compete, the person who wins is not going to gloat or humiliate the other person. On a larger scale, we have learned each other’s sore subjects, insecurities and pressure points and make a conscious effort to steer clear of them. When we need to address them, we do so with extreme care and sensitivity.
Sometimes couples needle each other and use their intimate knowledge of each other’s vulnerabilities as weapons. We too have been occasionally guilty of this. In my opinion, this is a terrible breach of trust, that creates an ever increasing distance. So one must be vigilant and avoid such behaviour in a relationship.
A couple is a team and when they turn on each other the game of life cannot be pleasant. Couples need to be careful when they compete, to not be hurtful towards each other, but to remember that they really are a team and need to meet life’s challenges together with full trust and confidence in each other. Our competitions with each other must be implemented in a way that they help us improve our individual skills, and also help us strengthen the bond between us.
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Kanika G, a physicist by training and a mother of 2 girls, started writing to entertain her older daughter with stories, thus opening the flood gates on a suppressed passion. Today she has written over read more...
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Neena was the sole caregiver of Amma and though one would think that Amma was dependent on her, Neena felt otherwise.
Neena inhaled the aroma that emanated from the pan and took a deep breath. The aroma of cumin interspersed with butter transported her back to the modest kitchen in her native village. She could picture her father standing in the kitchen wearing his white crisp kurta as he made delectable concoctions for his only daughter.
Neena grew up in a home where both her parents worked together in tandem to keep the house up and running. She had a blissful childhood in her modest two-room house. The house was small but every nook and cranny gave her memories of a lifetime. Neena’s young heart imagined that her life would follow the same cheerful course. But how wrong she was!
When she was sixteen, the catastrophic clutches of destiny snatched away her parents. They passed away in a road accident and Neena was devastated. Relatives thronged her now gloomy house and soon it was decided that she should be married off.
Women today don’t want to be in a partnership that complicates their lives further. They need an equal partner with whom they can figure out life as a team, playing by each other’s strengths.
We all are familiar with that one annoying aunty who is more interested in our marital status than in the dessert counter at a wedding. But these aunties have somehow become obsolete now. Now they are replaced by men we have in our lives. Friends, family, and even work colleagues. It’s the men who are worried about why we are not saying yes to one among their clans. What is wrong with us? Aren’t we scared of dying alone? Like them?
A recent interaction with a guy friend of mine turned sour when he lectured me about how I would regret not getting married at the right time. He lectured that every event in our lives needs to be completed within a certain timeframe set by society else we are doomed. I wasn’t angry. I was just disappointed to realize that annoying aunties are rapidly doubling in our society. And they don’t just appear at weddings or family functions anymore. They are everywhere. They are the real pandemic.
Let’s examine this a little closer.
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