When A Marriage Lacks Trust, What Does A Woman Turn To? [#ReachOutThursday]

Posted: April 7, 2016

A young woman is confused before marriage, while another feels helpless since her marriage lacks trust. Share your answers for them!

Every Thursday, the Women’s Web expert panel with the support of Healtheminds, answers questions from readers facing relationships issues, emotional and mental challenges and other such issues. 

If you are feeling the need for support in a relationship, simply enter your details here to schedule a counselling session with Healtheminds.

You can also call up to speak to a counsellor at +91 95387 51113, or use this form below to have a counsellor reach out to you.

A young woman’s romance dilemma

Hello everyone! My problem is very weird. When I was in school, I respected one of my classmates a lot and then I went to college and there I fell in love with a collegemate who was already involved with someone else.

Then 3 years ago, my schoolfriend expressed his feelings that he wanted to marry me and I said ok; but then it turned out that he was very much influenced by my college best friend and finally I was like mentally torn between my school mate and college friend and I lost my path.

I have still not found a single path for me to live my life. I feel lost and cannot decide how to start my day or how to end it and on top of it, I don’t have a father. My mother took divorce from my father 25 years ago as he was a very mean person.

Kindly help me how to take my life forward.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.

You know, the trauma which you are going through is shared by many in your age group. Infatuation happens and becomes traumatic when love becomes and remains one sided. Also, one cannot force someone’s love. It either happens or it does not. Therefore, even though this heartache and heartbreak is traumatic, yet do not lose heart.

Life is so beautiful. Find other ways of distractions in terms of going to movies with friends, shopping at malls to your heart’s content; read that fiction you have been wanting to but did not get time till now; spend time with some elderly relative and take their incessant blessing etc.

Life is so beautiful dear. You have age with you, wihich is quite a blessing and sooner or later you will find that Mr. Right whom you deserve and who will give you infinite intimacy and affection you so much crave for.

Also dear, please introspect. Since you did not have a father, as you mention, while you were growing up, probably, unconsciously or consciously you are looking for that emotional security and umbrella you had been craving for since childhood and when now as an adult, you stand on the threshold of receiving the same warmth you so much crave for; when this is deprived to you as they are not ready when you seem to be ready to receive, it traumatises you no end.

So please be aware of this issue which may be playing hide and seek in your mind knowingly or unknowingly

Life has so many beautiful gifts to give us all. Just spread your hands wide, breathe in the beauty of the fragrant air around you and live life queen size.

All the best to you!

– Dr. Amita Puri, Psychologist, Healtheminds

Money & trust issues between spouses

Dear Team,

I am 28 years old and married for close to 4 years. I am an only child and my husband is an only child too. I used to live with husband and in-laws for 3 years of marriage.

My husband is self-employed with no stable income. In-laws do not have much of an income and are dependent on their son. Right from day one, there were financial issues in the family. My husband is 10th pass whereas he has mentioned that he is a graduate. His business is not going well at all. I was indirectly expected to work just to support the family even though there were no such expectations before marriage as it was supposed to be my choice to do what I wanted.

My husband is very selfish. He does not reveal his financial decisions or money matters. Its always one dialogue, “I don’t have money.” I have not been given a gift in the last 4 years even once.

I had raised these issues with my in-laws but they only keep changing the topic or try to show my flaws or emotionally charged dialogues keep flowing. Hence I thought enough is enough and we moved out of in-laws’ house in the hope that he will start taking responsibility of our financial matters atleast 50%.

He has no respect for my feelings and preferences specially regarding money. He uses my cards however he likes, with the excuse that he does not have money. I have told him multiple times but he has not changed.

In-laws were not okay with this arrangement as he is their only son. The communication between parents and son is not clear. He lies to me about what they tell him. I have stopped talking to them. I used to talk to them occasionally until I came to know of some lies.

The in-laws have one owned house which they are not willing to sell to help their son to build the business nor are they willing to stay in another house to keep an income for themselves. According to them, I am the bad one that separated them from their son and they want him back to take care of them due to ill health. We moved out in August and they feel that financial issues come and go and there was no need to make a big deal out of it.

I had asked my husband if he is really ready to move out of his parents place or there is change in decision before we moved out. He just said there is no change in decision. Now he shows his anger and rage on moving out from his parents house. He has no income, time, space, or feelings for me. He comes home as late as possible saying there are business meetings. Our sex life has gone for a toss. There are times when we have no sexual contact for a month. It has happened thrice till date. He says there is no need to talk and communicate between husband and wife.

Also, if I don’t work and support the family, he says we should move back into his parents place as he cannot take care of two houses. If I earn and support, then he will stay with me in our house now. He has taken a refinance loan on our car to pay off all his family debts promising that he will pay the EMIs. He has not paid any. No promises have been kept.

I want to end it and the talks on this have happened multiple times. He gets angry if I say so but he does not want to acknowledge the hurt he has thrown at me, or the amount of compromise and sacrificesI went through.

I knew some of the issues during our engagement but did not break it off. My parents are people more worried that I will be left alone and wants me to preserve the relationship with husband if not with his parents. I don’t see any way out. I have been seeing a counsellor too. Initially I wanted to go with a divorce notice to him but thought that I need to try therapy before any decision.

I don’t think he wants it. He is very evasive when I ask him important questions. He even wanted to have a child and forced me to start planning since last month.

I am really frustrated. I don’t feel like even continuing the therapy sessions with patience but rather just apply for divorce. He has agreed to come for therapy only since I asked him. I feel very cheated and lost. I thought I had brains to know what is right and wrong. But I married the wrong person, without any background check or getting to know him properly.

Please suggest what I could do.

Hi dear,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.

Yes, no doubt, you have struggled a lot in your marital life till now. But turn that struggle to your advantage. And yes, you can dear, for sure.

You are young, smart, energetic, working, independent smart girl. Please take a firm decision and no acceptance of any emotional abuse whatsoever from now on. In your own words you have made lots of sacrifices and compromises which have fallen on deaf ears with no acknowledgement of the things done – what to talk of appreciation, if any.

Please do not lose heart and take a firm resolve to move on in your life with dignity. Your parents of course, like all typical Indian parents would like you to retain your marital status with the same man.

But you have to question the fidelity of this thought as this is your life which you have to live with this man. A man who is a cheat, a liar and who is not able to give any financial support, rather is an emotional, physical and social liability. How long will you be able to bear all this? At this moment age is with you and there is still a second chance at happiness which you can indulge in for your mental health and well being.

So please, do not think of bearing a child as your husband has been suggesting since last month, as you say. It will be difficult for you to take a firm decision then of going for a divorce with a free mind. To reiterate, you are young, smart and economically independent. You should not take emotional torture unnecessarily from either your husband or in-laws. So please, fight for your own happiness at this stage. No one can help you but you yourself only.

Do not lose heart and willingness to celebrate and enjoy life. .Please do not let the clouds of depression set in your sweet heart. Please remember : No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Be still sad heart and cease repining

Behind the clouds is sun still shining.

Please remember these lines whenever you feel low. Its just a perspective. A bad relationship does not mean a bad life in the long run. We can always OPT life and OPT happiness.

The beautiful decision lies with us only. And the feeling empowers us immensely. We have to be firm in our resolve for happiness and not less people around us interfere in our personal space. So resolve that I am not going to let my husband and my inlaws invade with my space and make me unhappy.

Affirm everyday, with a deep breath, inhaling in the fragrant air that ,” Today I am going to be very happy.”

“ Life is beautiful”

“Thank God for giving me a beautiful life. I am going to make it still more beautiful”.

Keep on reaffirming such thoughts to yourself, several times everyday.

Also, just in case, your husband does come for therapy, it may not be much helpful to your husband, given his background as you have mentioned. Therapy sessions require honesty and compliance which I doubt it – your husband may not be willing to give freely. However, you can try just to ease your mind of that teeny weeny bit of lingering doubt about the last ditched effort of saving the relationship.

Also, as an intelligent being, please retrospect and introspect about the efficacy of saving a fraudulent and abusive relationship vis a vis a new healthy and happy life with enhanced mental health and well ebing.

Which would you like to choose?

Remain firm and positive at all times.

Do keep in touch with your counselor for he/she will anchor you during your difficult moments and also help you retain your vigour and enthusiasm for treading some difficult steps, as and when the need arises.

God bless.

Dr. Amita Puri, Psychologist, Healtheminds

If you are feeling the need for support in a relationship, simply enter your details here to schedule a counselling session with Healtheminds.

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