A story of love, loss and second chances by Nikita Singh, releasing this Valentine’s Day.
Are you taking care of the calcium needs of your child ?
So you thought dating a feminist woman would be a nightmare? It’s actually not and it can be very refreshing for men, especially when it takes quite a load off you. Feminist women are really easy, a lot easier than people think. They support equality between the sexes. Yes, it’s that simple. And no, feminists don’t hate men.
They neither think men are evil nor that all men are rapists. Yes, you can fall in love and be a feminist. And most importantly, anyone can be a feminist – male, female or other. A feminist is a gender neutral noun.
When it comes to dating a feminist woman, it is actually quite contrary to the popular belief that feminist women can be a head ache. Some men are intimidated but here are some reasons why you should be glad about it.
1. Picking up the tab. We all know that you are a gentleman, but she might not want you to pay for her or pay every time whenever you go out on dates. She would like to pay sometimes for herself or for both of you. Respect that and you may earn brownie points
2. Lightening the load. Let her carry her heavy bags herself. You may want to ask once for sheer chivalry but if she refuses, don’t push it. She is a strong woman who can carry her stuff herself.
3. Giving out your hand. Many men offer their hand for support if while walking there is a rocky terrain or steps or a bad road or anything even slightly unkempt. I know you are just being chivalrous. But she might not appreciate this. After all, she is not feather light that she will fall down a couple of steps. She can walk alright.
4. Chuck those petty gentleman habits. Opening the door of the car for her, pulling the chair for her, offering your help any time or every time. If she likes you, she likes you. You don’t require these courtesies to impress her.
5. Ordering the meals. You would not want to do this at any cost. This is a big no. This kind of behavior also comes off as being inconsiderate or rude or worse, she may think you are trying to curb her freedom. After you have decided yours, ask what would she like to have and refrain from giving suggestions, unless asked for.
6. Don’t fight her battles. She is in a mess, let her clear it up herself. Feminist women have grown out of fantasy myths such as ‘knight in shining armour’ or the ‘damsel in distress’. She needs no prince charming to save her. She can handle that mess.
7. Don’t try to own her. Another grave mistake you would not want to do, my friend. Questioning constantly about her whereabouts would only land you in trouble. She will think you are a typical MCP (male chauvinist pig) who is trying to possess her.
8. Say no to sexist jokes. No, sexist jokes are not funny and they are certainly not acceptable. And, no she is not being overtly sensitive. And no, it cannot be taken lightly. Sorry, but that’s how it is.
9. Less crying, less drama. See, this one works in your favour. You are saved from all the crocodile tears and silly, useless giggling. She is not going to cry at the drop of a hat and neither is she going to use her tears to get her way around you. She is more likely to bail than wail.
10. You will have a lot to talk about. She is not just a feminist, but also a well-read woman. So you are going to have a lot to talk about. Really a lot. And those topics can range from human rights to capitalism v/s socialism, from environment to sports, etc. She tends to read, write, travel, photograph, play and hold interesting jobs.
11. Encourage her career. There is nothing else she would like other than this. You support her all the way in her career and she might have something in store for you. Surprise, surprise! Never tell her that she doesn’t need to work as you have a well-paying job. Grave mistake on your side, which might even cost you your relationship.
12. Ready in a jiffy. This one again works for you as she won’t put much thought into her outfit or apply a few kilo of make-up or take hours getting out of the shower. She is a pretty confident woman who is not brainwashed by media and the glamorous fashion industry. She is not going to stand hours in front of the mirror deciding what to wear. She might utilise that time in doing totally something else.
13. No waiting for calls. No, she is not the kind who will wait for you to call her first or ask her out because that’s how it has always been. If she likes you, she will ask you out and if she wants to talk to you, she will call you. You are saved from taking the first initiatives every time. As I said before, she is confident and knows what she is doing.
14. Saved from V-day. This one made you sigh in relief, didn’t it? Yes, she is above all those illusions of cupid and Valentine’s day. Forget about making it special or buying gifts, you don’t even have to acknowledge it as a special day. It is just another date and just another day in your life. Showing your love need not be on V-day, it can be today, tomorrow, any day or every day.
15. No wrong ideas of romance. Did I tell you that she is not brainwashed? Yes, she has no perfect filmi ideas of romance. Desi movies and Hollywood Rom-coms did not mess with her brain. I’m sure you are glad about this.
16. Acknowledge the awkward. Don’t try to be smooth if you’re not smooth. It’s okay to say “I feel shy about asking you out, but I like you.
17. Listen to the other person. Listen more than you talk. Pay attention to the actual interaction that is taking place and not the one in your head.
18. Don’t be the tough guy always. We know you care for her, but you don’t have to be the tough guy or the mummy always. You can also sometimes let go of your guard and tell her that you are feeling low and want to be pampered. Trust me, she will love it that you are sharing not just your happiness but also your low points and weakness with her. You can also cry in front of her. She is not going to make fun of you or think what a loser you are.
Disclaimer: These are author’s personal views and by no means is the author suggesting that every person stick to these points or fall under this category.
I smash the patriarchy for a living! Founder & Editor-in-chief of Feminism in India.
This comment has been removed because it is offensive to women and violates our comments policy.
She will think you are a typical MCP (male chauvinist pig) who is trying to possess her.
Hope that feminist woman would let her husband/boyfriend, OWN his relationships.
She would not OBJECT to the love HE has for his MOTHER and derisively use stupid terms like uncut umbilical cord or apron strings.
HE & HIS MOTHER own that relationship between them and it is NOT that feminist gf/wife’s place to interfere or dictate the T&C of their relationship.
Have I mentioned anywhere that a man will not be allowed to have relationships with his mother, sister, female friends, etc? I would suggest you kindly not to read into the article and interpret or make up things which do not exist. This is a fun and light article to be taken in the same manner. Feminists do not want to rule men, they want equal acceptance and equal respect from the society.
Great post! I can totally relate to this, beside the “less crying, less drama” part (I happen to be a cancerian who wears her emotions on her sleeves).. In fact, many of these points hold true for friendships too, not just relationships..
Thank you Mathangi! Coincidentally, I’m also a Cancerian, but again, I don’t believe in horoscopes. Haven’t read one since more than seven years. I agree on the last part though. 🙂
well written! i don’t agree on a lot of points but i am a Feminist :)…
Thank you Arpitha! These are my personal views, you needn’t agree with them. 🙂
Great Post! 🙂
After the first few points I was like – hence proved, I’m a feminist 😉
But yes there are a few points that I don’t related to. I do like to carry my nags and pay half, but I always appreciate a man who has the chivalry to open the doors for the girl 🙂
Thank you Somedutta! Of course, you don’t have to agree with me on all the points. 🙂
Good thoughts, but so many problems with this article. It keeps pushing one single idea of what a “feminist woman” is like, which just creates whole new (and false) stereotypes that women must now meet!
One, most of these items are things men should be doing while dating ANY woman, not just a feminist. “Don’t try to own her”, no sexist jokes, don’t order her meals for her, etc etc – do this for ANY woman.
Two, less crying and less drama, really?! This just feeds into the stereotype that women are usually all about “crocodile tears and silly, useless giggling”, except if you’re feminist. This not only supports the original (false) stereotype of women but also encourages the stereotype that feminist women don’t have emotions. I’m very feminist, I still cry and have dramatic moments. That doesn’t lessen my feminism.
Three, you’ll have things to talk about. Not all women who don’t identify as feminist are stupid, uninteresting or not well-read. Nor are all feminist well-read.
Four, ready in a jiffy. AGAIN a tired stereotype – all women spend hours in front of a mirror applying makeup or trying outfits while men wait. NO THEY DON’T. Some women do, some women don’t, just as some men do and some men don’t. Also, some feminists do and some feminists don’t! Not to mention the fact that most feminists do still grow up in a media-infested world and might seriously struggle with the pressure to “look good”. Or just like dressing up. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Five, saved from V-day. So if I’m feminist, I can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day? This makes no sense. Some feminists might want to celebrate, some might not. Many might want to celebrate WHILE acknowledging its problematic aspects.
Yes, I read the disclaimer at the end, but it doesn’t at all help with the overall impression of the article saying “this is what a feminist is like. She is very different from other silly, giggling, crying, make-up putting, uninteresting, stupid women”.
After reading the article and the comments, I would say that the title should be- Some things to do (not do), when you are in the COMPANY of a feminist woman.
I have not been in the dating game for over 25 years, but I would still expect some of the courtesies (do not agree with all) from the men that I know, personally and professionally.
Thank you Ujwala! 🙂 Regarding your request, that is why I put a disclaimer at the end.
Just treat her with the exact same level of courtesy you offer other men, no more, no less. If you wouldn’t carry a heavy bag, open a door, pay for a meal, fetch the car in bad weather, offer your jacket, or other such things to/for a man, don’t do it for a feminist. That shows that you respect her as an equal. That’s all they want.
What a refreshing read ! Wonderfully articulated and I like the simplicity and forthright attitude in your writing style ! Look forward to reading more from you 😀 Keep up the great work !
Thank you Sonali! I’m glad you liked my article and gave feedback too. 🙂
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