Gender-neutral parenting is always a challenge, but the Indian extended family makes it extra difficult. How do Indian parents manage?

By Nayantara Mallya

Whenever I read parenting books, I use most of the strategies they suggest with a huge pinch of salt. In the Indian cultural context, a parent is under constant scrutiny from the older generation. Especially when parents are progressive regarding gender stereotypes, roles and responsibilities, it can lead to clashes, misunderstandings and compromises, all of which breed resentment and are not in the child’s best interest. Some parents share their experiences and tips on gender-neutral parenting in the context of the extended family.

Ignoring gender stereotyping is tough

“My mother can really upset me with some stereotypes she won’t let go of,” says Veena Ghoshal*, a Software Test Engineer. “My husband, son, daughter and I were in a car that turned turtle on a slippery road last year, and we all sustained minor injuries. More than the accident, my mother’s anxiety got to me. My daughter lost two teeth and my mother was worried about how it would affect her chances of marriage. She’s 5, for crying out loud!”

Continue reading →

With increasing numbers of teens and pre-teens online, how do parents ensure online security while listening to children’s demands for privacy?

By Anindita Mishra

A mini-scale war started in my household when I asked my 16 year old for his new e-mail password. He considered my demand outrageous, downright dictatorial and a breach of privacy! “I am not a kid anymore! And anyway, I show you all my mails, you are my friend on Facebook and I don’t access any other social networking sites. So what’s the problem?”

“Oh dear!” I thought, “The boy is showing signs of the rebellious teens. He has clean forgotten what I had said while opening his e-mail account a couple of years ago.” I had explained that I needed to know the password to keep tabs on his mails so that he was safe online. He had readily agreed then.

Continue reading →

With inter-cultural Indian marriages becoming common, do parents in multilingual families fear their children losing out on either parent’s cultures?

By Melanie Lobo 

“East is East and West is West, and never the twain shall meet”. This might have been true in Kipling’s time, but nowadays, marriages in India between people from very different communities are no longer a rarity. In the interweaving of cultures, language becomes a focus – and sometimes a sore point, being one of the most visible markers of culture and identity. How are Indian multilingual families dealing with this diversity of languages, especially when it comes to teaching the children? We talk to 4 Indian families, each with different ways of dealing with a multilingual family.

Culture is who we are

Anisha Kanjilal, a mother to two boys feels that it is important to retain your culture. She says, “It is your identity, it is who you are.” She and her husband Sanjeevan, come from multilingual families themselves. Anisha’s mother is from Mangalore while her father is Sindhi. Her father-in-law is from pre-partition Bengal while her mother- in-law is a Parsi. She grew up speaking Sindhi while her husband speaks Bengali and Gujarati. This couple wanted their children to speak all the languages and have made it a point to ensure that it happens. So they instructed their respective parents to talk to the grandchildren in their own native languages.

Continue reading →

The world of extremely talented children differs quite drastically from those of “normal” kids. A look at the world of two gifted young sportspersons and their families.

By Nayantara Mallya

Amy Chua’s tiger-parenting methods have triggered raging debates about the pitfalls of pushing kids and the value of training, dedication and competition. Two Indian parents whose children have pursued competitive sports share their tips for managing the challenges that come up with gifted children.

Sheela Kamath, a Special Educator and Counsellor in Bangalore is mother to 18 year old Meghana who has been a state-level swimming champion. “We signed her up for swimming classes at age 6, only with the intention of easing her chronic colds and sleep disorder, where she would sleep in the evening and awaken in the middle of the night”, she says. Meghana’s coach spotted her aptitude and soon she was training for competitive swimming. From the ages of 10 to 15, she participated in several inter-school and interstate tournaments, winning medals and trophies galore.

Continue reading →

People with a physical disability can be parents – and very able ones. We bring you two different parenting stories.

By Nayantara Mallya

People with physical disabilities are often marginalized and perceived as being ‘unable’ in all fields. When it comes to raising a child, parents with disabilities frequently face resistance from family and society; it is commonly assumed that they cannot cope with the challenges of parenting.

Nothing could be further from the truth for a few such parents who are bringing up their children successfully and happily. After all, parenting usually requires more mental strength than physical – something any tired parent of a toddler will vouch for, at the end of a day full of tantrums! Two parents with physical disabilities give us a peek into the daily challenges of parenting.

Continue reading →

If your child needs special attention for a temporary or chronic medical problem, take heart from these parenting tips and stories.

By Nayantara Mallya

Parenting is not for the faint-hearted, and further challenges arise when a child’s medical condition needs extra care. The restrictions imposed by a child’s chronic condition affect family dynamics, parenting, sibling relationships and school matters.

Lifestyle Restrictions 

Rhea Pais*, from Bangalore is mother to four boys. Her second son, Matthew*, aged 10, suffered his first epileptic attack at age 3. Fortunately, his condition is under good control with medication, with only 3-4 more seizures since.

“Matthew’s doctor has vetoed swimming as hazardous, as his seizures involve loss of consciousness. The number of children in a typical swim class makes it tough to consistently maintain one child’s safety”, explains Rhea. Rhea diplomatically handled Matthew’s resentment that his elder brother could attend swimming class. Matthew swam in a shallow pool under her watchful eye and worked it out of his system. He confessed that swimming wasn’t very exciting after all!

Continue reading →

When mum and dad are apart due to work, raising kids becomes challenging. Some ‘married but single’ mothers share their tips.

By Nayantara Mallya

Home alone with the kids? For many mothers in India, it’s a family set-up they handle when they or their husbands work in a different city or country, either long-term, or as a stop-gap measure until the family can move to be with each other. Meanwhile, how do moms manage home, children, and in many cases, jobs?

Married But Single

Avantika Sharma*, a consultant, recently moved to Bangalore from Mumbai with her 6 year old son Varun*. Talking about her life as a single mother for six months in Mumbai when her husband took up an opportunity at Pune, she says, “My mantra that I repeated several times daily is that this is a temporary phase. It was tough to manage alone in Mumbai, so I have moved to Bangalore where there is plenty of family support.” She is still doing double duty – her husband is expected to shift to Bangalore within a year.

For Prabha Kamath, managing alone is nothing new. Mother to19 and 15 year old sons, she lived the first 18 years of her married life in Army quarters, often single, with her husband frequently away on exercises and duty. After her husband left the Army, more single stints followed as he pursued further studies and worked outside India for a couple of years.

Continue reading →

Dealing with criticism of your child isn’t easy. Here are some mothers’ experiences and positive parenting tips to help.

By Nayantara Mallya

Mothers often react negatively to criticism of their child because they already put enormous pressure on themselves. “I quit my job to raise my child because I thought she was my responsibility and I needed to do that well. I really didn’t need more pressure from people who were supposed to be caring and understanding!” says Preeti Parameshwar, a stay-at-home mom to 2 year old Anushka, in Bangalore.

Learning on the motherhood journey

She adds, “As a first-time mother, you think everything your child does, and everything you do has to be perfect.” That can make criticism very hard to bear, according to Preeti. For a mother struggling with her child’s issues with behaviour, personality, achievement, appearance, health or ability, criticism feels like salt on a raw wound.

Anushka’s severe stranger anxiety has had people suggesting that something was wrong. Preeti says, “I tended to believe it. I would cry over it for days, and take it out on my child harshly for being so different from other friendly, happy kids.”
Continue reading →

While many children are inherently playful and mischievous, for some it may indicate a complicated behavioural problem called Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).

By Kiran Manral

When 7 year old Rishabh’s mother was called to school to meet the class teacher and the special educator, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) was not on her mind. “I did know that he was naughty, perhaps a little more than the others, but I did not expect to be asked to get an evaluation done by a child development professional”, says Rishabh’s mother, Ratna Sharma.

Forgetting instructions, daydreaming in class, acting impulsively and constant fidgeting were something that Ratna was used to with Rishabh ever since she could remember. “I would tell him to do something and a little later, he would completely blank out what he had been told and get involved in something completely different. It was impossible to get him to focus on one task; he would lose interest within a few minutes and turn to something else.”

This distractibility and inability to concentrate was leading to trouble at school and low performance and grades as well as affecting his ability to connect with his peers. On getting an evaluation done, Ratna found out that Rishabh had ADHD and he wasn’t just another naughty kid. Now she says, “I wish I had known what I needed to watch out for and that the school had picked it up earlier. I could have worked with him sooner.”
Continue reading →

Motherhood is idealised as “natural” and making a woman complete, but sometimes, a mother is born after the child.

By Lakshmi Ananth*

The thin blue line stretched past the tiny plastic window and changed my life forever.

Pregnant.

Holy Mother of God.

None of my friends were married, leave alone having babies, yet. Can you imagine how it was, to be the first one to navigate through unchartered territory? No one that knows you well to say, “Don’t freak out; you will be alright. All you have to do is _______”.

I had gotten married four months earlier and my husband and I had just moved to a smallish flat in a corner of London, ready to take on the world. He had applied for his driving licence the week before and I was going to the library later on to browse the Internet (we didn’t have a computer at home) and get some information about doing my Masters at a local University.

Continue reading →