By Melanie Lobo

“There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots, the other is wings,” said Hodding Carter, an American journalist and surely, truer words were never spoken. However, how many of us can actually do this? The typical Indian scenario is that a mother never lets go of her children (in most cases, the son, but this may apply to the daughter as well).

In the Indian cultural context, how can mothers learn to let go and help their children lead meaningful, independent lives? Read on!

Letting go of power

“I have let them go. I have brought them up to be strong individuals and not be wholly dependent on me” is what Shail Mohan, a homemaker and mother of two sons (27 and 21 [...]]]> A refreshing perspective from two Indian mothers who feel they have managed to let go of their children – and how they did it.

By Melanie Lobo

“There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots, the other is wings,” said Hodding Carter, an American journalist and surely, truer words were never spoken. However, how many of us can actually do this? The typical Indian scenario is that a mother never lets go of her children (in most cases, the son, but this may apply to the daughter as well).

In the Indian cultural context, how can mothers learn to let go and help their children lead meaningful, independent lives? Read on!

Letting go of power

“I have let them go. I have brought them up to be strong individuals and not be wholly dependent on me” is what Shail Mohan, a homemaker and mother of two sons (27 and 21 years) says. When asked why she chose to bring up her children this way, she simply replies that she felt it was not right for mothers to control their children. Shail’s decision to a large extent has been influenced by the role her mother-in-law played in their lives.

She feels that her mother-in-law used to interfere in all aspects of her married life. While she tried to comply with her mother-in-law’s wishes initially, after a while she started questioning why she was being treated in this manner and addressed her concerns to her husband. Her husband however, did not take a stand and simply told her that his mother liked having “power”.

This set her thinking as she felt that a woman should not have such power over her children and any child should feel free to speak to his/her mum if the mother was doing something wrong. She decided at that point not to bring up her own children in this manner. She says that she feels that her son would earn even more respect from her, as a mother, if he could speak his mind to her. This is only possible if you build such a relationship from the time the child is young and bring him/her up in this manner.

Learning to parent democratically

Shail always set limits for her children but was sure to always explain and give reasons for why she told them to do certain things. She says, “I did not control them all the time and left some decisions to them. It helped when they understood why I said and did the things I did.” Looking back now, Shail knows she has done the right thing. Her sons are very open with her and even tell her when they have girlfriends. She doesn’t pry into their lives but is secure in the fact that they will tell her what she needs to know.

She has seen many parents who nag their children and constantly monitor every move of theirs. This, she feels, has led to such children rebelling against their parents, due to this constant supervision.

Her advice for other mothers includes:

- Focus on bringing up the child as an individual to stand on his/her own feet, instead of always being there to catch them when they fall.

- Make your children grow up to be responsible human beings. Parents are not going to be around forever.

- Mothers are mistaken when they think that their children will be more attached if they, as mothers cling to them. Holding on often pushes a child away. Shail admits that her sons are closer to her than her husband was to his own mother.

Let them be – or lose them

Ritu Lalit, General Manager with Lakhani is a single mother who also feels she has managed to let her sons go. “You have to let them go or else you lose them” is how she sums it all up.  Ritu says that her mother-in-law was responsible for breaking up her marriage and she vowed that she would never let that happen to her sons.

However, she admits that the process was not an easy one. Being a single mother meant that they were a close unit for a long time. Her sons grew up and they needed their own space – especially from their mother. Thus, the process of letting go began. Ritu is emphatic when she says that if she had not done this at that time itself, she would have lost her son. “It’s as simple as that. A male child also has to distance himself from his mother so that he has a better relationship with his partner.”

She says that it is much easier this way and does not cause problems when the whole family is together. Ritu and her sons and daughter-in-law live in the same house – “it has worked out beautifully”. It is a very democratic set up. Everyone carries on with their own lives without interference in anyone else’s life. She also feels that everyone has played a role in making this relationship work. All four of them work together to ensure that they enjoy a smooth relationship.

Ritu says that this change and letting go does not happen overnight. It takes a long time and you have to be prepared and make a conscious decision to do so. One aspect that helped was that she was a working woman and had a life of her own. She feels that women who build their whole lives around their children find it much harder to let go. Ritu started blogging a month after her son got married. She then started writing her first novel. She made the effort to carry on with her life.

Her tips for mothers with regard to this are:

- Try and start this process of letting go from the time the child is young. This is an ongoing process.

- Do not react badly if your child stands up to you. Don’t get into an “I am his mother, I brought him up” mode. You, as a mother, will lose the very person you are fighting for.

- Remember that sooner or later, your child will lead his/her own life. Do not stand in the way. If you do, you will only be building walls in your relationship.

- Make the effort. You will be rewarded with a better relationship with your child.

This is the story of two mothers who have made the effort to let go and have realized that they have done the right thing. What about you – do you feel the same way?

By Charu Katira

In our society, a mother’s role is that of a primary parent – either by choice or through circumstances. I, for example, decided to stay at home with my first daughter for the first two years thinking that only I could provide her the highest level of care. There are women who have had to make that choice either in the absence of good childcare options or because the father of their children is unable (or unwilling) to step in and shoulder the responsibilities equally.

Why are women the primary parent?

For almost 6 years I was the primary parent for my first daughter. My husband and I had a convenient setup – I took all the decisions regarding our daughter’s care and he “filled in” for me occasionally [...]]]> Indian moms are often the primary parent without a break. But stepping back can be advantageous – to women and their families.

By Charu Katira

In our society, a mother’s role is that of a primary parent – either by choice or through circumstances. I, for example, decided to stay at home with my first daughter for the first two years thinking that only I could provide her the highest level of care. There are women who have had to make that choice either in the absence of good childcare options or because the father of their children is unable (or unwilling) to step in and shoulder the responsibilities equally.

Why are women the primary parent?

For almost 6 years I was the primary parent for my first daughter. My husband and I had a convenient setup – I took all the decisions regarding our daughter’s care and he “filled in” for me occasionally so I could get some time off. I often got tired of being the primary decision maker all the time and tried to get him to be more involved but he always excused himself citing “mother knows best”. It frustrated me that he had a luxury which I didn’t – to take a day off.

It took me a long time to realize that I was the main reason my husband was not as involved a parent as I would have liked him to be. I was a perfectionist and a control-freak which probably scared him away. It still took a stressful year of infertility treatments and a hectic, tiring pregnancy for me to finally let go of the control.

It frustrated me that he had a luxury which I didn’t – to take a day off.

Anyone who has ever been in this situation, with or without an obsession for perfection, must know the frustration that arises from the non-stop work. So why do we keep doing it? Some of us have no choice. Our spouse may have a job that doesn’t allow him to shoulder the parenting responsibilities equally. We could be unwilling to let go or we might have an uncooperative and unwilling spouse.

Even after I realized my mistake in tying myself to the role of being the primary care provider, it still took some effort to get my husband into the mode of being an equally responsible parent because he was so scared of failing my standards. Once I let go, I was pleasantly surprised to find that he was as good a parent as I was. Today, there is nothing which I do for our kids that he can’t do.

This has given me a chance to go on three trips to India alone without any guilt or worries. He has been to India twice, taking one of the girls with him. Parenting decisions are collaboratively made in our family. Who stays home with a sick child is decided based on factors like vacation time and flexible schedules. There is less conflict, more partnership, more bonding with the girls and a much better and stronger marriage. Parenting isn’t a burden anymore.

Advantages of stepping back from being the primary parent

It can be very difficult giving up the role that fits us so snugly and for which we have been conditioned since childhood. Society’s expectations also make it tough to break through the stereotype but, believe it or not, there are advantages to it.

- It gives the father a chance to develop a bond with the children. There is nothing more precious than watching my husband roughhousing with my daughters or painting their nails.

- It gives the mother a chance to get some time to herself. A happy mother is a better mother. Once my husband became a more involved parent, I was able to pursue some of my interests and also a career.

- It also helps make the couple’s relationship stronger because they see themselves as a team instead of a hierarchy. That has really happened for us. We work as a team and our bond has gotten stronger despite health problems, infertility and a crazy routine.

- It benefits the children who gain knowledge and experience, and get help from both parents instead of just one. Our older daughter can come to either one of us for homework help. I have seen a friend get frustrated because she couldn’t explain maths to her kids and her husband didn’t have the time to do it.

- It can even help nip discipline problems in the bud if both parents work as a team. Kids know that they cannot play the parents against each other.

- It frees up the mother to pursue her career. One friend said she had help, not only from her husband, but also from her mother-in-law, mother, older daughter and maids. It definitely helps when the village steps in.

Shared parenting where both parents act as primary parents is essential in today’s world. Being progressive and supportive enables either parent to take a step back and the other parent to take over smoothly when the need arises – without any worries.

*Photo credit: Alex E. Proimos (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution License)

By Maitreyee Chowdhury

Times have changed vastly since the days when children would listen to everything that a parent said and obeyed it without questioning. Parents are fast discovering that the authoritarian way of parenting that was largely prevalent in the olden days, needs to take a back seat. Yet, democratic parenting is no walk in the park either.

Parenting according to today’s needs

Perminder Singh, an entrepreneur from Bangalore, says of her college going daughter, “I never impose restrictions on my daughter’s night out timings, if I am convinced that she is managing her studies well. I have given her basic values, which I hope she will fall back on. If I were to impose restrictions on her I know she will revolt. Besides, whatever she can do at night, she can also [...]]]> While democratic parenting is upheld as an alternative to authoritative parenting, what are the challenges that democratic parents face today?

By Maitreyee Chowdhury

Times have changed vastly since the days when children would listen to everything that a parent said and obeyed it without questioning. Parents are fast discovering that the authoritarian way of parenting that was largely prevalent in the olden days, needs to take a back seat. Yet, democratic parenting is no walk in the park either.

Parenting according to today’s needs

Perminder Singh, an entrepreneur from Bangalore, says of her college going daughter, “I never impose restrictions on my daughter’s night out timings, if I am convinced that she is managing her studies well. I have given her basic values, which I hope she will fall back on. If I were to impose restrictions on her I know she will revolt. Besides, whatever she can do at night, she can also bunk college and do during the day, without my knowledge. Having said that, I do ensure that whenever she is out, security is never compromised and if they are partying there is someone responsible with her. “

Perminder’s idea of parenting is mixing practicality with the ideals of democratic parenting. In a matter of fact way, she says that one does not have to be in the CIA to know that after a particular age, children may experiment with sex and there is precious little that you can do to actually stop this given today’s urban culture. She states, “I’d rather tell my daughter that if you are having sex, make sure your partner uses a condom,” because her own safety is something any smart child will understand. She adds, “I have also told her that if she wants to experiment with something or take on a new fad, she needs to inform me about it or consult me, so that I am in the loop and can help her if there is a problem, but I have warned her that if she does not follow this dictum, much as I might love her, if she lands in trouble, I will not budge to help her”. In Perminder’s case, while she has a very open relationship with her daughter, she has made it amply clear to the youngster, where the lines are drawn.

Democratic parenting is far tougher; because it is not only about the parent, but also about how the child perceives such parenting.

Why democratic parenting is cool but hard

Most parents practicing democratic parenting have no examples to fall back upon and it comes with a fair share of experiments as well as accidents, bad tempers, lack of patience and the impulse to fall back upon what they have seen their parents doing.

Most parents learn while on their job and it is easiest to fall back on what you saw your parents doing in a particular situation. But what happens when the slate is completely wiped clean and you have no reference points? There are a lot of frustrations that parents go through, because democratic parenting needs patience and what with busy careers and hectic schedules, it is definitely not easy. 

Democratic parenting is far tougher; because it is not only about the parent, but also about how the child perceives such parenting.

Pamela D ‘Souza a homemaker from Kolkata, with a teenage daughter Tina studying in one of the city’s most prestigious colleges says that she has only one rule, “Never lie to me and I shall never stop you from doing anything you want. At the most I shall tell you about the pros and cons of a situation and leave the decision to you.”  She recounts an incident where her daughter and her friends had decided to celebrate a birthday in a pub. All the other girls decided not to tell their parents that they were meeting in a pub but Tina informed her mother about the party and where they were. The girls in their excitement had missed out on arranging for transport late at night.

When they emerged from the pub close to midnight, there was no transport available and they found themselves the cynosure of some hooligans in the area. The girls were in a fix since they couldn’t call up their parents too! It was Tina, who called up her mother and thankfully, soon the girls were brought home to safety. After such an incident, many parents would forget about the charm or novelty of democratic parenting! Pamela says she had to bear the brunt of her husband’s anger because of the risk she took with her daughter in bringing her up this way. The road obviously is rocky but Pamela says she is willing to take the risk, although her worries are that much higher now.

Drawing a fine line in democratic parenting

Many parents think democratic parenting is about being agreeable to children on everything. But ideally it is not so; while being friendly with your child, he/she must always know where they need to draw the line. Younger children often don’t understand this mid-way path and given a little lee-way, are quick to take advantage. Once the child has grown up and a certain pattern is established, things tend to fall into place. Lying to get away with something and not owning up to mistakes are the first things to look out for. In such cases, being friendly may not always be the solution, because the child needs to know that there are consequences of lying to one’s parents.

Bargaining is something children learn very fast. ‘If I do this, can I have this?’ is something most parents have heard. While keeping practical difficulties in mind a parent must make the child see the reason behind certain suggestions and why not everything can be bargained on.

Many parents think democratic parenting is about being agreeable to children on everything. But ideally it is not so…

Piyali Callahan, a homemaker staying in the US practices democratic parenting, with her two children Ryan and Sahana. In a freewheeling chat she says:

“I am definitely parenting my children differently than I was parented in the sense I give them choices. I let them make a choice most of the times and let them also know that bad choices will have consequences. They can choose to talk back or misbehave but they will lose a privilege. It seems to work for them.

But it is tiring; I often feel it was so much easier to ‘tell’ them how it is going to be. And don’t get me wrong, there are times when after explaining my reasons 3 or 4 times I do say, ‘Do it because I told you to!’ 

No matter what the name, it is important to teach your children to make their own choices, while also not easing up on the role of a mentor. While parenting is one of the most pleasurable jobs, it can also be one of the most daunting ones, but with some trial and error, you can surely learn the ropes.

*Photo credit: psicoloco (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution License)

By Melanie Lobo

Children look forward to their long break from school, but for working parents, this can be a difficult time. Here are some tips from working women who have figured out ways to keep their kids occupied and spend time with them as well.

The art of balancing responsibilities

Rosita Saini works in a leading bank and finds that the key to looking after her child during the holidays is by sharing the responsibility with her husband. “You need to balance things if you are a working mother,” she adds.

Her daughter, Mridula, is 5 ½ years old and while Rosita stays in a joint family, she says that it is still difficult to ensure that someone can keep an eye on her daughter always. However, Rosita is only expected to report to work at [...]]]> Summer holidays herald a dilemma for working parents; how do you keep your kids occupied? Let’s find out!

By Melanie Lobo

Children look forward to their long break from school, but for working parents, this can be a difficult time. Here are some tips from working women who have figured out ways to keep their kids occupied and spend time with them as well.

The art of balancing responsibilities

Rosita Saini works in a leading bank and finds that the key to looking after her child during the holidays is by sharing the responsibility with her husband. “You need to balance things if you are a working mother,” she adds.

Her daughter, Mridula, is 5 ½ years old and while Rosita stays in a joint family, she says that it is still difficult to ensure that someone can keep an eye on her daughter always. However, Rosita is only expected to report to work at 12:00 p.m. daily. So she plans Mridula’s day in such a way that she can spend time with her in the morning and then her husband does the same when he returns home in the evening. Juggling parenting can be tricky but it is a good way to look after your child.

Rosita is also fortunate that she has a job that allows her to work from home at times, and this is a boon during the summer holidays. In her personal experience, she says that most organizations are now flexible and open to this and do allow mothers to change their shifts or leave early at times. This of course depends on the type of work you do and if your boss is willing to let you do this. Evaluate and see if this option works for you.

Summer camps; the time-tested fallback option

Enrolling your child in a summer camp is favoured by many working parents. This works for Farah Vadoliwala who is employed with a multinational company. Her daughter, Khushnavi is 4 ½ years old. Farah says that she has already starting checking out the various summer camps in her city so that she can choose the best one for Khushnavi. Her husband travels most of the year on work, but takes a break during their daughter’s summer holidays. He is therefore free to look after Khushnavi when she is back from summer camp and spend time with her till Farah comes home. Farah feels that now, “There is so much that you can do with your child to keep her occupied. There are so many options available to working mums these days that it makes life so much easier”.

…when you have more than one child, you have to work out their activities in such a way that both are occupied at the same time.

Planning never fails

Shilpa Joshi, who is a Project Manager with Tech Mahindra, has two children, Gayatri who is 6 and Yash who is 2. She too stays in a joint family but again says, “Keeping the kids engaged throughout the day is a BIG issue”. Her solution is to plan out the day for them. She also feels that when you have more than one child, you have to work out their activities in such a way that both are occupied at the same time. Despite the age difference between the two, she ensures that both play together and in this way, get a chance to bond together as well. Shilpa also sends Gayatri to a summer camp and Yash is at home either drawing, or playing with his toys. Additionally both she and her husband plan their leave around this time, so that they can take a trip with the kids and spend quality time together.

Take the kids along

Rucha Macfarland, who works in the events and media industry also has two children. She and her husband have no option but to take the children to their place of work and keep them occupied there – they are allowed to watch television but are also made to play with their toys, read books and so on. This year, she plans to enrol them in an activity camp close to her place of work or her husband’s office. Both she and her husband go in later to work during the children’s summer holidays so that they have the mornings together. Many organizations have crèches now and if you are fortunate enough to work in one, you could leave your child in the crèche while you are at work.

Get creative with your kids!

Shuchita Singh Basu, an HR professional has a different take on how to manage children during their holidays. Summer holidays in the Basu household is about, “Catching up time with the family and letting Ishaan be himself – a kid”. One way of doing this is that they make it a point to learn a new language each year – as a family. This involves planning as the three sit together and do this. She opines that her son, Ishaan, who is 9 years old, has enough “Pressure during school days. Enrolling him in a summer camp has never been an option for me. He does enough work in school”. This is primarily because she feels that these camps do not really help the child and sometimes even put more of a burden and pressure on the child.

It is never too late to start developing such hobbies in your children. It will benefit them greatly in the long run.

Both Shuchita and her husband ensure that they plan their days in such a way that Ishaan gets to spend time with either his mother or his father. Physical activity is high on their priority list and so Ishaan either goes cycling with one parent in the morning or swimming with the other in the evening. Both parents have also made an effort to develop hobbies and interests that keep him busy throughout the day. Ishaan is encouraged to have play dates and have friends over. “There is no time for all this during school days”, states Shuchita. Ishaan is also a member of a library which has a book club that organizes various activities for the kids. It is never too late to start developing such hobbies in your children. It will benefit them greatly in the long run.

Spending time with grandparents

Spending time with the grandparents is another option and all the mothers mentioned above do ensure that this happens as well.

While ‘what to do during the summer holidays’ is something of a challenge, it gets better with a little planning and organization and before you know it, you are set!

*Photo credit: ShaolinWorldwide

By Anne John

A few days back, we asked the parents among our readers to fill in a short survey on their experiences with parenting books. 25 people decided to help us and took up the survey – thanks to all of you dear parents!

Given that the sample size was small, this isn’t by any means statistically significant, but there are still some interesting picks to look at.

Do parenting books help?

First is the question of whether parenting books help at all. It turns out almost half the people who answered our questions, didn’t think so.

Charu Katira, one of our respondents who doesn’t read parenting books says, “I believe parenting just requires common sense and the capacity to rationally think over an issue. No one has answers from day one of being a [...]]]> We asked the parenting community at Women’s Web to recommend some great parenting books. Here are the top six favourites!

By Anne John

A few days back, we asked the parents among our readers to fill in a short survey on their experiences with parenting books. 25 people decided to help us and took up the survey – thanks to all of you dear parents!

Given that the sample size was small, this isn’t by any means statistically significant, but there are still some interesting picks to look at.

Do parenting books help?

First is the question of whether parenting books help at all. It turns out almost half the people who answered our questions, didn’t think so.

Charu Katira, one of our respondents who doesn’t read parenting books says, “I believe parenting just requires common sense and the capacity to rationally think over an issue. No one has answers from day one of being a parent. We all learn from our experiences. The only terrible parents are those who don’t observe the effect of their actions on their kids, who don’t accept their mistakes and who don’t modify their parenting based on their mistakes and observations.”

On the other hand, others like Devika Pathare are in favour of reading books on parenting. She says, “Sometimes there are doubts – like is my child the only one who is doing this. Or maybe, what should I do now? These are answered when I go through such books or articles.” Hema Pant a self-employed mother recommending Parent And Child adds, “I used to get parenting tips, cooking tips for kids and many other information from it (sic).”

6 most useful parenting books

In any case, we have compiled the following list of the parenting books that come highly recommended by other parents who have read them and used them in their parenting roles. So here we go:

Dr.Spock’s Baby & Childcare: Written by Benjamin Spock, this is a classic and appears to be a top pick. Tranquil Samuel, a self-employed mother says, “This book encouraged me to trust my instincts as a mother, unlike some other books which made me feel like an ignoramus. At the same time, it gave me a wealth of information as a foundation upon which I could sharpen those instincts.”

Archana Pande, another self-employed mother says that she felt reassured and encouraged, adding, “It helped deal with minor emergencies that may often need no action which was important at a time, when the help of grandparents or other seniors was not available.”

With a number of positives such as being simple to understand, relevant and actionable, Dr.Spock’s definitely seems to be one good resource to turn to.

What To Expect When You’re Expecting: This book by Sharon Mazel and Heidi Murkoff of course needs no introduction and has been quite popular with expectant mothers for a long time. Vineeta Shenoy, a homemaker states that it helped her to, “…understand the baby’s growth and behavioural pattern.”

Seven Secrets Of Successful Parenting: This book by Karen Doherty promises to, “put the fun back into family life by revealing powerful yet simple solutions to virtually every parenting problem.” It contains real-life stories from other parents as well as advice from professionals. According to Dr.Chandrima Pal, a scientific researcher turned science writer, “It helped me to understand my type as a parent and then to sort parenting issues accordingly.”

How To Get Your Teens To Talk?: This book by Connie Grigsby and Kent Julian guides parents through one of the toughest phases of parenting – the teenage years! When your adorable baby metamorphosis into the rebellious-all-knowing-adolescent fuelled by the sudden spurt of raging hormones and frustrating mood swings, it is natural to feel that you don’t know your child at all. But one survey respondent says, “Just buying this book helped me a lot, as my son changed when he saw this book on my shelf.” Wow! Now if that isn’t a good recommendation, what is!?

Johnson And Johnson Complete Book Of Mother And Baby Care: Edited by Elizabeth Fenwick, this aims to be a practical handbook from conception to 3 years. Rina Mukherji, another reader who answered our survey thinks that this book does not leave out the mother while dealing with the baby’s needs. She feels that, “There were a lot of little things, especially where understanding the constitution and psychology of a baby, where the guidance given helped me overcome my nervousness in dealing with my baby.”

Developing Your Child’s Potential: This book by Abraham J.Twerski and Ursula Schwartz is Meenakshi M Singh’s choice. The authors of this book are qualified mental health practitioners and Meenakshi, a freelance writer and ex-IT professional goes on to say that the book, “…provided information on facts and the right kind of stimulation required to the respective age group to realize your child’s potential. A well researched perspective and helps building an improved attitude of parenting, to work on the child’s emotional, analytical and physical aspects.”

Have any more interesting books to add for the benefit of other readers? Please do in the comments section below!

By Prerna Malik

“They’re kids. Let them be”, said a mother to me as we sat in the restaurant watching a bunch of kids literally tear the place down with their bare hands and their screams. At that moment, I thought how lovely it would be for a restaurant to have a no-kids policy.

Did I mention that, that was before I, too, was a mother. Today, when I read about child-free flights, events and restaurants, it makes me sad. Why?

No children allowed = No mothers allowed

In a country like India, where the mother is more often than not the primary caretaker of a child, excluding kids from a public place means excluding the mother as well. Let’s face it, not all of us have a maid to look after our kids [...]]]> Child-free zones seem to be silently popping up everywhere. Are such kid-free zones practical in India? Are they hassle-free or discriminatory?

By Prerna Malik

“They’re kids. Let them be”, said a mother to me as we sat in the restaurant watching a bunch of kids literally tear the place down with their bare hands and their screams. At that moment, I thought how lovely it would be for a restaurant to have a no-kids policy.

Did I mention that, that was before I, too, was a mother. Today, when I read about child-free flights, events and restaurants, it makes me sad. Why?

No children allowed = No mothers allowed

In a country like India, where the mother is more often than not the primary caretaker of a child, excluding kids from a public place means excluding the mother as well. Let’s face it, not all of us have a maid to look after our kids while we can eat in a no-kids allowed restaurant. More importantly, not all of us would want that, right?

By keeping children out of flights, restaurants, cinema halls or any such public place, are we not really keeping mothers out as well?

In a country like India, where the mother is more often than not the primary caretaker of a child, excluding kids from a public place means excluding the mother as well.

Anamica Cannivady, a 37 year old mom to 3 year old, Rahul, is indignant at the thought. She says, “I cannot image a situation where one would need to ban kids from these places. How would I ever travel with my kid? Or eat in a restaurant?

We bring a child into this world, we cannot shun them out of situations where it’s easier for adults. Kids will be kids; they will make noise, run around – but yes, the parents / adults accompanying the kids should ensure that others using the service of the restaurant or airline aren’t bothered.”

Shutting kids out no way of dealing with bad behaviour

Honestly, eating in a restaurant while kids scream or run amok is not my idea of a dinner out. Yes, despite the fact that I am a mother. But leaving them at home is not the solution.

As Vandana Sudhakar Dutt, entrepreneur and mom to two kids, aged 3 and 6, says, “I have a 3 year old and a 6 year old; and they’re a handful. The first time I came across child free zones, I felt almost insulted. Like I am being penalized for having kids – or that my kids were not good enough to be somewhere.

But now I really feel that it’s better to have them, than be embarrassed of a kid throwing a tantrum in a restaurant: so that I can handle the child well rather than give in out of embarrassment of spoiling other guests’ meal or spoiling a mid night flight for so many other passengers. In some cases, however, it may be better for the kids and adults – parents or not, to leave the child at home. Pubs should be declared child free zones for practical purposes.”

Nandini Gulati, a Lifestyle and Wellness Coach, who doesn’t have kids, however, feels, “I think movie halls and performance theatres could do that urgently except for children’s shows. I would love a child free zone in airlines/ trains like a few seats/ coaches for work travellers. There are some restaurants that are naturally kid friendly and there are some fine dining ones that have a minimum age. Having said that, I don’t like the phrase “ban” children.”

According to experts, kids behave badly when adults in their life let them. After all, it is a parent’s responsibility to teach a child how to behave. Children aren’t born with manners, they need to be taught and shutting them out of these places is no solution for creating well-behaved children.

Child-free zones limit a child’s scope for learning

Just imagine a world where children are only allowed into Pizza Huts and McDonalds. Do you think they would learn how to behave in a fine-dining restaurant as an adult?

Or picture a country where children below 6 can’t fly in planes. Will they ever learn travel etiquette? I believe not.

Creating child-free zones limit a child’s ability to learn important life skills that come only from experience. Moreover, are children always the badly behaved ones? Have we all not sat next to the nosy lady who wouldn’t stop asking questions about your personal life? Or the garrulous man in the movie hall whose cell phone wouldn’t stop ringing throughout the movie. And he’d answer it. Every time.

Creating child-free zones limit a child’s ability to learn important life skills that come only from experience. Moreover, are children always the badly behaved ones?

Yes, adults too can be badly behaved. We don’t stop them from entering hotels, restaurants, art galleries and movie halls, do we?

Creating child-free or no kids allowed zones in India may not be a practical option for a culture where mothers tend to accompany their children everywhere. It is not a healthy option for a country battling diabetes for kids to eat only at fast food joints.

What do you think?

By Rakhee Ghelani

Living through the loss of a child is considered to be one of the most devastating experiences a person can go through. I should know. I watched my son pass away in my arms only an hour after he was born. There was nothing that I or the medical profession could do to save him; all I could do was keep him warm, love him and make his short time on earth as comfortable as possible.

Whilst going through that surreal hour was incredibly challenging, I was in such a state of shock that I was actually quite calm and rational. It was certainly no indication of what the weeks, months and years that followed would be like for either me or my friends and family.

I remember my mother started searching for the [...]]]> Losing a child is an experience that no parent should ever have to face. A survivor shares her story. 

By Rakhee Ghelani

Living through the loss of a child is considered to be one of the most devastating experiences a person can go through. I should know. I watched my son pass away in my arms only an hour after he was born. There was nothing that I or the medical profession could do to save him; all I could do was keep him warm, love him and make his short time on earth as comfortable as possible.

Whilst going through that surreal hour was incredibly challenging, I was in such a state of shock that I was actually quite calm and rational. It was certainly no indication of what the weeks, months and years that followed would be like for either me or my friends and family.

I remember my mother started searching for the appropriate pooja or ritual for my son, but none existed. Even her religion couldn’t find the words to make this situation better. While there is nothing that anyone can really say or do that will lessen the pain, there are plenty of things that can help make the experience slightly less traumatic and the period of adjustment a bit easier for the parents.

Respect their wishes but be practical

If they would like to be left alone or prefer to rant and rave then just let them. While it’s customary to visit someone following a death and pay your respects, if they do not wish to see anyone then respect their wishes and let them be. If the parents do not feel like going out then don’t force them either and if they do, then perhaps take them out for a walk. I remember feeling so disoriented in the weeks following, but going for a long walk everyday certainly helped me get some fresh air and be out in the community again.

Bringing over food and basic supplies is also very helpful. They may not eat much or even shower for a while; but at least they will have the option available to them without having to face the outside world.

Be prepared to listen but don’t seek to lay blame

Some parents will want to talk about their child and what happened, yet others will not want to talk about it at all. Either way, let them express what they wish to without judgement but don’t force them to talk if they don’t want to. You may find that the desire to talk isn’t immediate; it may come years after their child has passed, but this doesn’t make the need any less.

A parent will do anything to protect their child from harm. Keeping that in mind, it is best not to question what went wrong or suggest other things that could have been done to help save their child as this will only bring (more) guilt to the parents.

A parent will do anything to protect their child from harm. Keeping that in mind, it is best not to question what went wrong or suggest other things that could have been done…

Remember their child 

If their child died very young like my son did, you may never have met them. This does not make them any less real a person so don’t be afraid to use their name when talking about them, or to look at photos of them and cherish them as you would any child. You may find doing this uncomfortable, but remember for the parents – this is their child and will always be one of the most significant people in their life, no matter how much time passes.

As the months and years pass the important dates in their child’s life will still be of importance to their parents, such as birthdays, the day they passed away and – for babies born prematurely and passed away – the date they were due to be born. Something simple, like sending them a text on the day to tell them you are thinking of them will mean so much to the parent. Similarly acknowledging Mother’s and Father’s Day is important particularly if they have no other children. Just because someone’s child has passed away, doesn’t mean they are no longer a parent.  

Don’t expect them to have another child or that it will make everything better 

If the child died very young, many people expect that the parents will try to have another child. For many this is a real possibility and they do. For others they try and discover they can’t have more children, whilst others may choose not to and some others might opt to adopt. Whichever it is, it is their decision and their right to make it in private. I remember being greeted by many with a swift stare at my stomach as they searched for signs of impending pregnancy; it was incredibly distressing for me.

Even if the parents are so fortunate as to have another child and/or a surviving child, they will never replace the child that has passed away.

Don’t expect them to get over it

There is no timeframe for “getting over” the loss of a child. The truth is a parent never does – they just learn to live with the reality. Waiting for that magic day will only lead to disappointment for you.

Expect them to change 

As with all key life events, no one ever goes through them and comes out the same on the other side. Losing a child takes away a piece of a person, and rarely is that piece found and repaired. I have watched my close family and friends wait in anticipation for when I will return. The truth is the person they knew no longer exists and she will never return. She has been replaced by someone else who has changed considerably and in ways that are not entirely predictable. I now cry in public without any shame. I am more private. I am now fearless. I just hope that those who love me will accept the new me.

Losing a child takes away a piece of a person, and rarely is that piece found and repaired.

There is no magic formula for helping someone survive the loss of their child, but being there and accepting what they are going through is a big step. Further assistance for both yourself and the parents can also be found through global support groups and blogs written by parents who have lost children:

Compassionate Friends: The Compassionate Friends 

National Share Office: For Pregnancy and Infant Loss

Blogger Indian Homemaker: Coping With Grief and Loss

Blogger Sangeeta: Home Alone

*Photo credit: Cristi Modoran

By Nayantara Mallya

Six years ago, we made a trip to meet a very little baby, who is now almost four feet tall and almost in first grade. It was the culmination of a dream, and it feels so good to have gone ahead and adopted our second child.

Our elder daughter had just turned three, and I found myself longing for another baby, much to my surprise, since I had sworn during the sleepless nights of her infancy that we’d be crazy to think of having one more. When I brought it up with my husband, it was already certain that we would either adopt, or stick to having only one child. The question that helped me decide was, “When I’m eighty and dying (!), will I regret not adopting?” That [...]]]> When you already have a biological child, can you accept and love your adopted one equally? Nayantara shares her personal experience. 

By Nayantara Mallya

Six years ago, we made a trip to meet a very little baby, who is now almost four feet tall and almost in first grade. It was the culmination of a dream, and it feels so good to have gone ahead and adopted our second child.

Our elder daughter had just turned three, and I found myself longing for another baby, much to my surprise, since I had sworn during the sleepless nights of her infancy that we’d be crazy to think of having one more. When I brought it up with my husband, it was already certain that we would either adopt, or stick to having only one child. The question that helped me decide was, “When I’m eighty and dying (!), will I regret not adopting?” That sealed it!

Is loving equally a challenge?

A question we have been asked often, especially during the decision-making was “Can you love both equally?” To me, it has never made any sense. In any family with more than one child, that question is going to arise. Each child is different and deserves parenting tailored to their personalities, needs and issues; but it’s always going to be a challenge keeping it ‘equal enough’. Find me any pair of grown-up siblings who will agree that their parents loved them one hundred percent equally! Go on!

I think that question is based on the concept of “us” and “them”. As in, a child born from my own body is mine and belongs to me, but a child born to another woman is hers and I can’t possibly love him or her the same way. Somehow, we have never subscribed to this line of thinking. Being able to love and parent a child should not have anything to do with the way he or she joined the family. Raising a child is a lifetime journey; it seems pointless to harp on the child’s origins and history and to say one can’t love a child enough because he didn’t grow in my own body. In fact, there is no such thing as an adopted child. Once the child joins the family, it’s done, why label him or her for life? Our son is our son, not our adopted son. In fact, we strongly believe in destiny – our son was meant to come to us.

Being able to love and parent a child should not have anything to do with the way he or she joined the family.

Having a biological daughter first has actually helped, because of the challenges we’ve faced raising her. Yes, there are issues, feelings, experiences specifically connected with adoption that need to be dealt with, but with balance. It’s not good to pathologize everything the child goes through as being connected to adoption. Neither is it ok to buy into the “everything is the same, there’s no difference” myth that Indians bandy about.

Most challenges we encountered raising our children were resolved when we corrected our parenting, relationships, communication, and ironed out our own muddled lives, legacies and feelings. After all, there are no problem children, only problem parents.

Embracing and celebrating differences

Other worries brought up by those ‘concerned’ for us were about how the child would look, behave, perform, turn out and so on. Again, I think this is about a fear of being different, or having to deal with issues that are not commonplace or the ‘norm’. I guess coming to terms with differences is what makes the difference! It’s really not necessary, for instance, that just because I gave birth to our daughter, that she’s going to be a clone of my husband and me, and a chip off the old block! I think kids need us to let go of them and allow them to be who they’re supposed to be…they don’t have to look like us, achieve like we did (or didn’t!) or conform to our standards and expectations.

We’re open about our son’s story with our kids, but we avoid harping on it. Storybooks, albums, mementoes are kept available, and we privately celebrate the day we met him, and his homecoming day. We also tell his story in the larger context of our family’s stories. It’s not about him being more special or lucky or born from our hearts! I find it absurd to gloss over the fact that he was born from a woman’s womb, just like every other child. I feel anger when people advise us not to tell him that “he’s not our own child” or that he doesn’t “belong to us”. Since when did kids belong to their parents? I feel pity for people who cannot comprehend that you can love a child who didn’t grow inside you, and that that child was ‘born’ in our minds, again just like every other child who is planned for and wanted.

I feel anger when people advise us not to tell him that “he’s not our own child” or that he doesn’t “belong to us”. Since when did kids belong to their parents?

It has helped to remember that young children’s minds are fresh without the imprinting of prejudice and societal programming about morality, stereotypes and norms. Most discomfort we adults feel about adoption is not initially there in children’s minds at all. So, it’s right that our kids grow up knowing their stories in an age-appropriate fashion.

It’s been important to us to continue celebrating our daughter’s story. Every child’s birth story is special, along with additional facets like adoption, IVF, surrogacy, C-section or what-have-you! I dislike it when celebrity adoptive parents like Sushmita Sen put out statements that imply being born and raised by the biological mother and father is boring! How ridiculous!

As an adoptive family, I have realised our responsibility to develop a thick skin, to stand up for our family and educate people where possible about adoption. When you’re different, you have to be proud about that difference, and remember that everybody is different. Most families look very ‘normal’ from the outside, but everyone has their issues. You just deal with the cards life deals you in the best way you can.

*Photo credit: boletin

By Nisha Salim

Children are the innocent victims of the inability of adults to make their relationship work. When a marriage ends in divorce, the ex-spouses’ responsibilities towards each other may end, but parenting duties continue. Supporting your child through divorce has been explored before. In this article we take a closer look at co-parenting, the emotional challenges that are involved and the role of the extended family in successful co-parenting.

“If you choose to engage in an adversarial procedure, consumed with hostility towards your spouse, I guarantee that hostility will be returned in spades. If, instead, you commit to steering through the process as cleanly as possible, the rewards will be manifold.” ~ (How to avoid the divorce from hell: and dance together at your daughter’s wedding. By M. Sue Talia)

Shraddha K*, 34, a [...]]]> Parenting responsibilities do not end even if a marriage does. How does one see beyond the differences for successful co-parenting?

By Nisha Salim

Children are the innocent victims of the inability of adults to make their relationship work. When a marriage ends in divorce, the ex-spouses’ responsibilities towards each other may end, but parenting duties continue. Supporting your child through divorce has been explored before. In this article we take a closer look at co-parenting, the emotional challenges that are involved and the role of the extended family in successful co-parenting.

“If you choose to engage in an adversarial procedure, consumed with hostility towards your spouse, I guarantee that hostility will be returned in spades. If, instead, you commit to steering through the process as cleanly as possible, the rewards will be manifold.”
~ (How to avoid the divorce from hell: and dance together at your daughter’s wedding. By M. Sue Talia)

Shraddha K*, 34, a Business Analyst working overseas, walked out of her marriage when she could not take the physical and emotional abuse any longer. “I did not want my daughter to grow up seeing her mother being beaten up every day,” she says.

In such divorces, it is not easy to consider an amicable middle path to co-parenting. Listening to Shraddha talk about how her daughter will be educated by her money alone, I  wondered if it is not the father’s right to contribute to the child’s welfare. “He gave up custody altogether when I asked him to put some money in our daughter’s name every month,” replied Shraddha.

It is difficult, to say the least, to consider facilitating a continuing relationship between such a parent and your child.

But Amar Rajan, a psychologist from Kerala who conducts career guidance and personality development programs through his company Mind Carter, says that the feeling of security and love from both parents is the most important factor in the development of a child. “Kids from broken households do not feel the security and stability which is very essential for their healthy development.”

…the feeling of security and love from both parents is the most important factor in the development of a child.

Co-parenting implies co-operation. No matter how nasty your relationship was, it is an undeniable fact that your ex-spouse is the other parent. Co-parenting is difficult, but not impossible. Some basic guidelines for successful co-parenting include:

1) Do not reject the other parent or expect the child to be your emotional ally

Dr. Richard Warshak, in his book, The Divorce Poison, says that children feel personally rejected when you reject the parent, because they see themselves as half dad and half mom.

Separate your feelings of hurt, resentment and unhappiness, from the kids. Take responsibility for the divorce and the ensuing feelings; don’t put the children in a position where they have to emotionally take care of their parent. No matter how wise or resilient your child may seem, remember that they are still children, and they are best being that.

2) Keep the lines of communication open

Even if your ex-spouse is not interested, it is necessary to keep the communication channels open. If you fear that the conversation may escalate into a fight, you can always email or text each other. Get the help of your extended family if they are level-headed, or even a mediator if you must. It is impossible to co-parent if you don’t communicate; make an effort to communicate regardless of your personal feelings.

Only in extreme cases such as danger of physical or sexual abuse to the child is it wise to completely eliminate contact. Seek a psychologist’s opinion before adopting drastic measures.

3) Consistent parenting

Co-parenting is also consistent parenting. Though most children in India stay with their mothers after the divorce, they may also visit their fathers during the summer holidays or weekends. A child who is allowed to stay awake till 12 in the night in one household and forced to go to bed at 9 in the other will feel confused and find it difficult to adjust. Children need stability more than anything else.

Parents’ divorce is one of the most devastating things that can happen to a child, so minimize the differences to make it easier for the child to transition. It is essential to enlist the support of grandparents as well.

4) Availability and accessibility of both parents

Amar Rajan talks about an instance where the divorced parents adopted a very co-operative approach toward parenting.

The father visits the daughter every week, attends PTA meetings and is generally available for her at all times. The mother does not restrict the daughter’s visits to her father’s house. Both spouses live in the same city because it seems to be the best arrangement.

“Here, the ill effects of divorce can be eliminated to a considerable extent, but this sort of an arrangement may not be possible for all,” says Amar. “Technology is your best ally if you cannot live in the same city as your child. Communicate regularly via phone calls, video chat, emails and even old fashioned letters.”

Make sure that you are available for your child when she needs you, whether it is to talk to you about her personal problems or to seek your inputs on a school project.

5) Do not assume things and accept differences in parenting style

Psychologists caution against assuming that your spouse will be a bad parent just because he was a lousy spouse or did not participate in parenting duties as you expected them to. Believe it or not, your ex-spouse can be a lousy spouse, but a great parent. If you keep a child from her parent because of the negative qualities that you perceive, the child may resent you later for all the years that she lost with her other parent.

Believe it or not, your ex-spouse can be a lousy spouse, but a great parent.

It is only natural for your ex-spouse to have a different parenting style, but take it in your stride. Co-parenting success depends on the ability of each parent to resist the temptation of criticizing the other’s parenting style.

After a nasty divorce, resolution of conflicts may be extremely difficult, but not impossible. Rising above your personal differences, and occasionally eating humble pie, is worth the immense psychological benefit for your child in a successful co-parenting scenario.

*Names changed on request

*Photo credit: merlijn72

By Anitha Ramkumar

Today’s parents hear about different educational philosophies such as Montessori, Waldorf, Reggio and others. This article is an attempt to provide a brief snapshot of these three philosophies. (It is not a comprehensive write up of everything about all the alternative educational approaches or a comparison chart between the different approaches to education.)

Before we get talking about the above-mentioned philosophies, some things common to all these philosophies are:

(1) Just like mainstream schools, all alternative schools in India are affiliated with a board such as CBSE/Matric/State/ICSE. This means that your child has to take the X and XII exams through one of these boards. All alternative schools start transitioning to the board prescribed syllabus and test taking methods at some point of time.

(2) Irrespective of what the philosophy is, they [...]]]> School options for your young child are no longer restricted to the pool of CBSE/Matriculation/State board/ICSE schools in the neighborhood. 

By Anitha Ramkumar

Today’s parents hear about different educational philosophies such as Montessori, Waldorf, Reggio and others. This article is an attempt to provide a brief snapshot of these three philosophies. (It is not a comprehensive write up of everything about all the alternative educational approaches or a comparison chart between the different approaches to education.)

Before we get talking about the above-mentioned philosophies, some things common to all these philosophies are:

(1) Just like mainstream schools, all alternative schools in India are affiliated with a board such as CBSE/Matric/State/ICSE. This means that your child has to take the X and XII exams through one of these boards. All alternative schools start transitioning to the board prescribed syllabus and test taking methods at some point of time.

(2) Irrespective of what the philosophy is, they must be viewed as a ‘way of life’ rather than merely a teaching method.

(3) All these philosophies believe that education must be non-competitive and non-threatening. So tests, exams and grades are conspicuously absent till a certain age. Children are taught through modeling and not mere preaching.

(4) Children need ‘realistic’ feedback for their work. So generic feedback such as ‘good job’ is considered empty.

(5) Children must do their work driven by their curiosity and not for external rewards.

(6) You might fall head over heels in love with an educational philosophy, but remember that any philosophy is only as good as the teacher in the classroom implementing the philosophy.

(7) Parents must pick a school where they thoroughly understand how children are taught and can visualize their child in such a learning environment.

MONTESSORI

This philosophy was proposed by Dr. Maria Montessori in Rome and is about one hundred years old. In a Montessori classroom, teacher = guide, topics taught = lessons, activities the children do = jobs/work and learning aids = material. Montessori believes that at around 3 to 4 years, (otherwise called as the absorbent mind), a child’s neural patterns are set. So, the cut off age for a child to enter a Montessori school is around 2.5 – 3 years.

Montessori is characterized by mixed age classrooms, with children grouped by stage and not age. It is not uncommon to find children aged 3 – 6 in the same classroom, with the same guide for three years. Some of the core values of Montessori philosophy are letting the child show readiness to introduce new lessons, encouraging the child to be independent, a well ordered environment, respect for nature, grace and courtesy. In a Montessori classroom, the environment is considered the main teacher with adults guiding the child from one lesson to another.

…core values of Montessori philosophy are letting the child show readiness to introduce new lessons, encouraging the child to be independent, a well ordered environment, respect for nature, grace and courtesy.

Instead of subjects like English, Math, Language, a Montessori classroom has interlinked areas – practical life area, sensorial area, language area, cultural area and math area. Though a typical Montessori classroom is a big hall with 50 – 55 children of mixed age, the children magically segregate themselves into age appropriate areas.

Montessori believes in logic and what cannot be explained through simple logic is not taught to young children. This is why Montessori encourages imaginary play but not fantasy play.

WALDORF

The Waldorf philosophy was proposed by Rudolf Steiner and the first Waldorf school was started in Germany in the early 1900s.There is a strong emphasis on nature appreciation and spirituality in Waldorf classrooms. All the things in a Waldorf classroom are constructed out of non-man-made materials. Through every song, the children are made aware of the deep spiritual connection between elements in the universe.

Waldorf believes that one does not give a child a finished product to play with. A toy is only 50 percent of the process of playing; the rest is the child’s imagination. The dolls in the classroom do not have facial features, making it easy for the child to create any character he/she wants. Also, what the doll is today, it is not tomorrow. This teaches children that every object can be used in multiple ways.

Waldorf takes into account the will, physical development, mental development and cognition of the child. It believes that questions are a healthy indication of the child’s curiosity. A senior Waldorf teacher once told me, “Instead of giving the child 7+1 =?, which teaches the child that there can be one answer to any question and that their primary role is to come up with answers, we give them 8 and ask them to arrive at 8. The children come up with 8 = 7+1, 8 = 9-1, 8 = 4*2, 8 = 8/1 and many, many more, which are all true.”

Print of any kind, alphabets, reading, writing, numbers and books are not introduced till the age of 7. Till 7, play is considered to be a child’s work. Children do activities such as beeswax modeling, sewing, painting, nature walks and paper folding which strengthen not just their hands and fingers, but also brain. So, when the actual process of reading and writing is introduced, their learning curve is very steep.

Waldorf takes into account the will, physical development, mental development and cognition of the child. It believes that questions are a healthy indication of the child’s curiosity.

Instead of having multiple subjects in a day, like in a traditional school, children are offered main lesson blocks. Each block is about 6 weeks long and has a good chunk of the salient features that needs to be covered in that year’s curriculum. Every class in the main lesson block is roughly 90 minutes to 2 hours long. This gives children the opportunity to establish through understanding without having to switch gears every 55 minutes.

The teacher moves with the children, that is, the children have the same class teacher from grade 1 to 8. The degree of bonding between the teacher and her wards is very high. Visual and performing arts are given as much importance as subjects such as math and science.

REGGIO EMILIA APPROACH

Post World War II, in a war ravaged Italy, in the small town of Villa Cella, several miles from Reggio Emilia, the municipality came into possession of ₤800,000 from the sale of material and horses left behind by retreating Germans. The women of Villa Cella strongly believed that public schools must be promoted and that from now on their children must be educated differently from the conventional nursery school system. Thus, they built ‘The April 25^th School’, named in honour of the day of liberation. Inspired by this, Loris Malaguzzi, the visionary of Reggio played a key role in the development of Reggio Emilia schools.

The core values of Reggio Emilia are:

Children are naturally competent, strong and have rights (not just needs). Relationships including the physical relationship between objects, socio-emotional relationship between people, abstract relationship between man and nature, are key in the process of learning. Schools are not institutions, but communities built by collaboration between parents, teachers and children.

Teachers or parents or children choose the projects themselves, based on curiosity or social concern. For example, if the children choose the book Pinocchio, they read it multiple times, get into discussions and extend the book by art, puppet shows, drama and wood-working. The emphasis is on making the project ‘long-term’ with connections to real life and past learning.

The classroom has corners or ateliers, each being a space for a special activity. For example, the kitchen corner would have common ingredients and utensils used in any kitchen in that part of the world. The children are allowed to watch adults cooking and they are directly involved in lunch, thus creating a connection to food, health, nutrition and cultural values.

Children are naturally competent, strong and have rights (not just needs).

Care is taken to make sure that the classroom is not just beautiful, but highly personal. Children are encouraged to bring in memorabilia from home or from a vacation and these personal items are displayed, hence validating and respecting the child.

The teachers value the special spaces that surround the school and this value is passed on to the children as well. Children are taken on field trips to local markets to visit landmarks and to explore neighbourhoods. This helps children to get in touch with the personal history of their town.

The teachers in Reggio are expected to have the capacity for wearing many hats. They are trained to encourage and foster the multiple ideas children come up with. They have to be authors, scientists, mathematicians, advocates, cooks, actors, photographers and some one who thinks ahead of time.

In India, there have been great thinkers like J.Krishnamurti and Aurobindo who have pioneered the KFI schools and Auroville schools, which share the same core values such as learning hands-on through multiple intelligences, non-competitive, non-threatening and stress-free education.

*Photo credit: gundolf