Adoptive families are a tiny percentage of all Indian families. However, interest in adoption as a method of building a family seems very high in urban middle class circles. The phrase 'we have thought about adoption' figures a lot in several conversations we have with all kinds of families.

 

This article is an attempt to talk about some of the myths that surround adoption among adoptive and prospective adoptive families. A lot of these assumptions are not conscious, just instilled in our brains by the way that society around us perceives these concepts. And let's face it, adoption is not a mainstream choice and that is perfectly okay!

 

This article does not try to promote adoption in any way. Adoption is not a 'cause' to be furthered. It is a choice that people make when deciding to build their families. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' way in building a family. A family just is.

 

 

Adoption is a way to build a family. It is not reserved for people who are biologically unable to have children or in any way the last resort. It is true that people adopt if they are unable to give birth. It is equally true that families make adoption a conscious choice and decide to bring a child home before or after a biological child(ren). There are also families who choose to adopt without thinking about the biological route. Every family has its reasons and each reason is equally valid except myth number 2.

 

 

Adoption is a reflection of OUR need to have a child in our lives. There are enough families willing and able to adopt. My family is doing no one a favour by adopting. We are helping ourselves! This is a win-win situation, to use management jargon. A home finds a child and all the joy that having children entails and a child finds a welcoming home to ensure his/her well being.

 

A home finds a child and all the joy that having children entails and a child finds a welcoming home to ensure his/her well being. 

 

 

Adoption is a team effort. Whether we talk of a family with two parents or one (who doubles up as both!), it does take a village to raise a child and it is important that the core or the primary care givers are on the same page and explicitly desire adoption as a way to form their family. “We” have to think about adoption as a choice for it to be fair to all parties involved. Extended family can be involved and brought into the picture as appropriate, given how your family functions.

 

 

There are no good or bad people, just desirable and undesirable behaviour. A child is an innocent party that is born into a family. Indian societal stigma intersects with adoption here. Behaviour is not instilled in the genes; it is the result of that person's circumstances and the influences they are exposed to. So we all try to make sure that our children, regardless of how they entered our families are exposed to a majority of positive experiences.

 

 

People underestimate themselves a lot. It is great that you think of your child before yourselves. And this is a question that you need to ask and resolve for sure before a child enters your home.  Right up there, along with “are we ready to be parents?”

 

In our experience with some hundred plus families, we are yet to come across examples where children were unloved by adoptive families. Are you mean as a person? Are you able to be nice to a child who visits you? Are there any serious issues you need to resolve from your childhood? Here we are talking about serious issues that might need counselling. If so, you might want to help yourselves before you do anything – adopt, conceive a biological child or even get married.

 

In most other cases, the answer to this question is a resounding 'YES'. Do prepare for an adjustment period – easing into any major change in life entails some adjustment. As far as I have seen, no one is hundred percent ready for parenthood.  We decide and then do what we need to prepare to the best of our abilities. Adoption is just like that.  

 

Children are different and need different things in various ways from you. Even if you had two biological children, you would end up loving them the same but might do different things for them, according to their needs. One might be withdrawn and another might be an extrovert. You can try your best to be fair as a parent, but that is just Parenting 101, not related to adoption at all.