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The Indian experience of a second marriage is still relatively uncommon. One blogger shares her experience with her second marriage.
This is my experience with second marriage and it may not be true for everyone else. Ever so often, I find myself falling into the trap of “being owed happiness”. I waited long enough for this man, ergo, he must be the answer to all that ails me. Why must I still be expected to work on finding my own happiness or put forth the effort to make this second marriage a happy one? It is as if the long, frustrating and often hopeless waiting to get to this state entitles me to happiness without any further ado.
The insecure child
We have only one child (mine) between the two of us, so I have it a lot easier than couples who marry for the second time and need to bring many kids together. Even so, there are challenges and complications due to the presence of a child. Mine was acutely insecure for several months into our marriage. On the one hand, she had this compulsive need to ensure that my husband had what it took to keep me happy but on the other, when she saw us happy together she grew afraid of losing her mother to a relative stranger. The two forces worked in equal and opposite directions bringing a great deal of stress into the family. It took a lot of reassurances from both of us and demonstrating to her that her position in my life had not diminished in any way to alleviate that insecurity.
On the one hand, she had this compulsive need to ensure that my husband had what it took to keep me happy but on the other, when she saw us happy together she grew afraid of losing her mother to a relative stranger.
Both my husband and I have shed several friendships in the wake of our marriage. On his end, this were friends that felt compassion or pity for him because he was floundering partner-less without direction in life. By inviting him into their families, they got an opportunity to feel better about themselves and rejoice in their superior standing in life. This pity-fest had been going on for years and all at once my presence post his second marriage ended it.
I had been a feel good project for several of my girlfriends – married and single. They could do little things to help me out, reduce the burden of my responsibilities as a single mom without inconveniencing themselves seriously. By ceasing to be single, I had taken away their opportunity to be Good Samaritans and they were quick to dump me as well. The result is that we are relatively friendless, in need of building a social life all over again and the very idea is irksome.
The parental equation
We have found out that parents get used to us being single and dependent on them a lot more than we would have otherwise been. As much as they would like for lives to return to normalcy and for us to find a life partner, they are often unable to relinquish what they had from us in the years past. My mother for instance ran my household like it was her own, without any interference from anyone. I was too desperate (and grateful) for the help to question her authority. She is now failing to recognize that her role has changed and she needs to play a very minor part in my family.
We both expect the other person to communicate clearly what they want. Yet for the smallest things to take so much back and forth tires us out. We have the social roles and responsibilities of a couple with a ten year old child, when the second marriage is not even two years old. What would come naturally to a couple of our vintage, takes a lot of doing for us to accomplish. With that, small tasks become Herculean efforts and we are both left emotionally exhausted. With so much energy expended in setting appropriate expectations for mundane things, we have none left to work on cementing the relationship – it inevitably gets pushed to the back-burner.
We have the social roles and responsibilities of a couple with a ten year old child, when the marriage is not even two years old.
I never subscribed to the idea that a single person or a single parent is any less or different from a married person. I would go out of my way to prove to myself that I was alright and that my child was not being deprived of a “normal” life. Yet, there was always this nagging sensation of being an outsider to normal (in my case suburban) society. I had nothing in common with the stay-at-home PTA moms. I still have very little in common with them but having a husband affords me a small entry into their world.
Similarly, having a child makes it easier for my husband to be the “regular” daddy when they go run errands together or play tennis. He does not have to be the guy that comes alone to brunch every Sunday – he has a ten year old to take along if he wanted to. Suddenly the waitresses are all smiles and friendly – he is welcome into the “normal” fold. Normalcy is a pretty big deal for someone who has been on the fringe for as long as we have.
*This author has used a pseudonym.
Image Source: abcdz2000
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You are a lucky person who has married a supportive person who has bonded with your child. I am sure a lot of analyzing was done before you both tied the knot. Your narration should encourage other single mothers to give second marriage a thought. Very often they are not able to muster courage.
Having said that, I would also add that persons opting to remarry ought to be prepared to work harder towards making it work and have some plan ready to tackle unpleasant situations that may not be deliberately created.
Yes, this is a very true picture you have drawn. But you know what except the presence of a child, all other factors are also there in life even after first marriage, specially now when late marriages are becoming a norm. Life is full of emotional deals, consequences and strings of happiness. It is on us that what we decide to choose. Best of luck for the new journey which will become inspiration for many others in future.
I deliberately looked for a blog on second marriage today and the first one to google out was this. First of all, I would like to appreciate your efforts to lead a normal life- eating the proverbial “ladoo” of marriage twice — like me…
I have a bit extra toppings in my second marriage , I stay with my in laws and my husband too has two daughters whereas I have a son. Its been almost ten years now since we got remarried. I carried a stigma of being a divorcee inflicted upon me by my ex husband already been in love with his secretary even before my marriage to him. The GREAT man had no courage to stand before his family and say no to our wedding , instead preferred to ruin my life first and then get the courage to speak out rather fly off to US to her leaving me and my two year old son helpless and pathetic…….
Anyways… Me and my second husband got married… with a lot of discussions and clarifications before hand… We are qualified as doctor and engineer.. Wanted to lead normal life but were never let to have peace ….. We five are completely normal in our relationships with one another… If we do not tell anybody.. nobody can guess… But my son has always been a sore point for my in laws… I till date fail to understand WHY???? A lot of patient discussions as well as loud outbursts have taken place in routine.. No result… So I remain sad from deep inside me… Take the help of a psychologist quite often so that I may not get into depression… Write articles and stories for myself and vent my feelings out….
So Dear , life is not a bed of roses when you choose to get married the second time. We are fortunate enough to get a second innings but unfortunate enough to have lost the first innings badly … All we can do is have Patience as the key word , communication with our partner and kids as the only weapon in hand and pure and unconditional love and its expression more often than a normal family as an energy drink for us all to survive and live happily with one of the BOLDEST decisions of life we ever took…
All the best to all of us who sail in the same boat for a fulfilling life ahead….
I was also searching for some single parents community.The first and the most important thing I want to tell all women are ,whether you are younger or older ,whether you are marrying for the first time or a second time find a job,or career and be steady financially first then marry.Atleast you will have something to lean back if anything happens in your personal life.I am a divorcee single parent-with 2 teenage kids,divorced for 11 years, separated even before.I was jobless no financial background…but I never gave up I Learned a profession and fought back these years and now am content with the way I did for my kids,they have chosen their life paths and doing very good in their lives.and I am proud to say that I have done it with only God’s and my children s’ help.But,now I am feeling lonely and thinking of a second life with my children s’ blessing.It may or may not happen ,but I am happy apart from the loneliness I am feeling sometimes.
Iam also looking to have a second marriage ,, but the trouble here is Iam located in united states and my child stays one week with me and the other week with my ex husband.. its very tough to see my child going back and forth and she is very little only 6 years old..
has anyone in this situation remarried again?? If so can anyone share their experiences on whether it works given the situation of child visiting the ex husband..
What an insightful and honest blog post!
Thank you for writing it and for sharing your innermost thoughts, challenges and beliefs.
hi i am a single mom of 2.earning good sum.wondering should i go for second
nice blog.true picture.
Second marriage is no more a taboo. One can go for it after careful discussions and clarifications, more so in case of single-parent lonely ones with child(ren).
A good article but I want to know about the emotional baggage that one carries from their previous failed marriage. I was in an abusive marriage that left me shattered and am now in the middle of a very messy and draining separation. The one fear that I often face is whether I will be able to trust another man in the wake of my ex’s betrayal? Will I be able to make a fresh start or will the pain past always lurk around, haunting me?
I remarried a second time 5 years after my first divorce.
My second husband only wanted a free housekeeper and sex partner. He did not show me any affection, respect or consideration.
He was a typical Indian man who thought a woman only existed to take care of men and serve them.
I have some positive feelings for my first husband because I can still remember the times when he showed me love, kindness and generosity.
I have only hate for my second husband. He was a typical mama’s boy and only married to escape family pressure. He just wanted somebody who could cook, clean and take care of everything, with sex on the side.
I try hard to forgive him, but am consumed by hatred and contempt for him.
I got divorced a second time three years ago. Since then, I have met a wonderful man who is loving, respectful and considerate.
I don’t know if he will turn out like the first two.
My experience tells me that most divorced men in India are not cut out for healthy, respectful relationships.
I share my story here because I want other women to learn from my experience.
Please dp NOT marry a second time out of desperation. I wanted to escape the tag of a “divorcee” in our traditional society, so I remarried in haste.
Please don’t EVER do so. Please wait for the right man to come along, no matter how difficult it is for you.
i am married second time…..and my husband through second marriage is extremely abusive both physically and verbally ….and i even have a child with him…..When I was on the lookout for second marriage, I found him through matrimonial site and he behaved like a very kind person…..and his true color was seen only after few months after getting married to him……For anything and everything he hits me and abuses me…..Second marriage is itself a hard thing for Indian women…..And if 2nd marriage fails, I am not sure what to do
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I am finding many innocent females affected due to their first mariage . i am shiva . someone who is willing to marry a person with below said quality and background please call me +919962050281, I am 33 divorced, Monthly salary 1.10 lakh descent job, people call i am good looking 5.9 lives in chennai, well settled looking for a divorcee, My first life was a failure. Reason can be explained in person..some one any where any caste any place like to live a peacefull lovabel life please do call me — shiva… i swear that i will keep you happy and give you all freedom and beyond a female deserve..Just understand me and take your own time to decide…
I hope that you meet someone who will be right for you.
Us divorced folks already suffer enough; without society adding to our troubles.
I really hope that you find somebody who will be right for you and that you heard a happy married life.
I agree with many women who spoke their heart out. I fine that women marrying for the second time due to any reason, is very hard to have a peaceful life. I have seen number of cases. There are cases where the husband pretend to be accepting you but in actual fact he is not. It become more difficult if the husband’s family pass remarks on you or reminding you that you have married the second time. They always blame you if anything goes wrong with the husband or children that being married for the second time you do not know the responsibilities. It hurts.
hi jai really i appreciate of u for ur open heart talks.i am also widower has one daughter,one son are in my mother in law custody,i am alone doing business, i looking for moral support partner in rest of the day,trust this if u r truly pl contact my mob.09791165385
Just gone through the posting.
Most peoples go for divorce because of misunderstanding.
Most of the divorce in Tamilnadu is because of alcohol consumption and followed by verbal and physical abuse of wife by husband.
I happened to listen lot of stories by both men and women because I have an exclusive remarriage matrimonial portal http://www.deviremarriage.com.
As on 27th February 2016 we have 2400 female profiles and 4500 male profiles who have registered for remarriage.
We wish all our members a happy second innings.
Wanted To marry a divorce girl.
Call : 8880088287
You call me 7550121608
Very good blog women’s deserve it.
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